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Thread: Joke of the day.

  1. #1301
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool And...

    know why cannibals won't eat divorced women? Because they taste bitter.

    (credit for the "cannibal" jokes go to Bragg Survivor as he originally posted them on this forum elsewhere.)
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin


  2. #1302
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool Numpty Alert!

    Idiot Sightings

    I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
    I said "May I have large bills, please"

    She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
    When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....




    IDIOT SIGHTING When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
    dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked
    in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
    feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the
    passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered
    that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's
    open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side . '
    This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS

    IDIOT SIGHTING
    We had to have the garage door repaired.
    The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did
    not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
    I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears
    made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
    He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I
    responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
    He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'
    We haven't used Sears repair since.



    IDIOT SIGHTING
    My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I
    gave the clerk a $5 bill.
    Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
    She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this
    way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
    She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
    I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but
    we could not do that kind of thing.'
    The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

    Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



    IDIOT SIGHTING
    I live in a semi rural area.
    We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
    to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
    The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
    I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
    From Kingman , KS






    IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
    My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
    She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
    He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
    -- From Kansas City






    IDIOT SIGHTING
    I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
    'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
    To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
    He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

    Happened in Birmingham , Ala.





    IDIOT SIGHTING
    The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
    I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
    asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
    I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
    Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
    She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


    IDIOT SIGHTING
    At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving
    the company due to 'downsizing,'
    our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
    Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with
    that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

    This was a lunch at Texas Instruments .


    IDIOT SIGHTING
    I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
    and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would
    not turn on.

    A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.


    IDIOT SIGHTING
    How would you pronounce this child's name?
    "Le-a"
    Leah?? NO
    Lee - A?? NOPE
    Lay - a?? NO
    Lei?? Guess Again.
    This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo.
    Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
    It's pronounced "Ledasha".
    When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she
    said, "the dash don't be silent."

    SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please
    remember to pronounce the dash.
    If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

    STAY ALERT!

    They walk among us......and they VOTE
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  3. #1303
    Senior Member kyratshooter's Avatar
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    A guy gets pulled over by a state trooper and when the officer approaches the car the driver informs him he has a CCW and there are weapons in the car.

    "What do you have on you?" the officer asks.

    ".45 on my belt and a .357 in an ankle holster." the driver answers.

    "That all?" the officer asks.

    "Well, there's also a Glock in the glove box, shotgun in the trunk and an AR behind the seat."

    "What are you afraid of buddy?" the officer asks.

    "Not a single thing officer, not a single thing!"
    If you didn't bring jerky what did I just eat?

  4. #1304
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Modern electronics that even I can understand.

    Can't Means Won't

    My Youtube Channel

  5. #1305
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    I had a terrible problem with my TV last week but the cable guy fixed it pretty quickly. It turns out the right wing cable was plugged into the left wing jack. Things were really messed up there for a while.

  6. #1306
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    What did the 0 say to the 8?



    Nice belt.
    Can't Means Won't

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  7. #1307
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Muslim Culture Meets German Engineering

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q51hVC0Lgwg
    Can't Means Won't

    My Youtube Channel

  8. #1308
    Lumpy chair made me do it oly's Avatar
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    I dont know why I can see Rick doing this.

    My Trip To Sam's Club
    Yesterday I was at my local Sam's Club
    Buying a large bag of Purina dog chowFor my loyal pet, Rover and was in the Checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had, an elephant? So sinceI'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, IDidn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again... I added that IProbably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but thatI'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward withTubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way thatIt works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simplyEat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionallyComplete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have toMention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled withMy story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care becauseThe dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniffAn Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us both.I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heartAttack he was laughing so hard.Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore..Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in theWorld to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to allYour retired friends......it will be their Laugh for the day.
    A mouse ate a hole in my lumpy chair.

  9. #1309
    Senior Member Camp10's Avatar
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    Default The Afghan Quarterback

    The coach had put together the perfect team for the
    Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a
    good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges
    and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he
    couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl
    win.

    Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene
    in Afghanistan .. In one corner of the background, he
    spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly
    incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a
    15th story window 100 yards away.



    KABOOM!


    He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a
    chimney.

    KA-BLOOEY!

    Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

    BULLS-EYE!

    "I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He
    has the perfect arm!"

    So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great
    game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super
    Bowl.

    The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football,
    and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young
    man wants is to call his mother.

    "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

    "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says.
    "You are not my son!"

    "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man
    pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the
    world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

    "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very
    moment, there are gunshots all around us. The
    neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were
    beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have
    to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get
    raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

    "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!"
    "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." - Albert Einstein

  10. #1310
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Oh, man. That's funny......

  11. #1311
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    WINTER BLONDE

    As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

    The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

    The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
    When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
    She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

    Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

    At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

    All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

    When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde..


    He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

    "Hi, my name is Mark. It's winter in NJ and I'm driving the
    SALT TRUCK!"
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  12. #1312
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

    Babe Ruth

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

    Lyndon B. Johnson


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

    Paul Horning


    ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

    H. L.. Mencken

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

    George Bernard Shaw

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

    Benjamin Franklin

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

    Dave Barry

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!

    W. C. Fields

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

    Professor Irwin Corey

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group -Salvation in a can!

    Leo Durocher


    ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:

    "Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  13. #1313
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

    His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

    The frog is thrilled, "This is great!

    "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

    "No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
    Can't Means Won't

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  14. #1314
    Senior Member r0ckhamm3r's Avatar
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    How about this

    The president has decided to do away with the U.S. Marshall's service, but he needs another agency to take over hunting fugitives. The government decides to run a simple test to determine who will take over this duty. They narrow it down to the FBI, the CIA and the LAPD. The test will consist of releasing a rabbit into the wilderness, the agency that is able to recapture the rabbit fastest, will be the winner.

    The FBI goes first. After a two year long investigation that cost the government over 250 million dollars, the FBI concludes that the rabbit never actually existed.

    Next up is the CIA. They burn down half of the forest, interrogate all the forest creatures and conclude that the rabbit fled to the tribal areas of Pakistan.

    The LAPD is last. They run into the forest. Fifteen minutes later, they lead a bear out of the woods. The bear is bruised, bleeding and beaten. The bear is screaming at the top of his lungs "all right, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

  15. #1315
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.

    At St. Ambrose Catholic Church on the Hill, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars. At the session last week, the good Padre Vincenzo Bommarito asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

    Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italia for the 25th anniversary!'

    Father Vince responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands on the Hill! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

    Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."

  16. #1316
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

  17. #1317
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    Default Seriously??

    TRY THIS
    1. Go to Google Maps and click get directions.
    2. Write U.S.A. as your start point.
    3. Write Japan as your destination. ...
    4. Go to the 31st point on your route.
    ...

    Seriously?
    Soular powered by the son.

    Nell, MLT (ASCP)

  18. #1318
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    Nell, it is Google and on the Internet, how can it not be serious I wonder how many arguements that has caused ?
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  19. #1319
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Okay, I'm going to "pass" on the Japan trip. Item 31 is just out of my league.

  20. #1320
    Lumpy chair made me do it oly's Avatar
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    The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic watering system to keep the produce fresh.
    Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and sense the smell of fresh rain.

    When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

    When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
    bacon and eggs frying.

    The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

    I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
    A mouse ate a hole in my lumpy chair.

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