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Thread: Joke of the day.

  1. #1061
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Justin Case View Post
    + 1, Agreed,,, That and no new Babies allowed ,,

    BTW, why is this in Jokes ?
    Just because Did not want to start a new thread
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related


  2. #1062
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Default Can't help it...

    George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to
    hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
    The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
    Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished
    the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin
    writes him a check.
    Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
    finishes, her charge is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
    Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
    finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
    When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush
    got to call the USA so cheaply.
    The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has
    gone to hell, so it's a local call."
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  3. #1063
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    WHY GOD MADE MOMS
    Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

    Why did God make mothers?
    1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
    2. Mostly to clean the house.
    3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


    How did God make mothers?
    1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
    2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
    3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


    What ingredients are mothers made of ?
    1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
    2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.


    Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
    1. We're related.
    2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.


    What kind of little girl was your mom?
    1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
    2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
    3. They say she used to be nice.


    What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
    1. His last name.
    2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
    3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


    Why did your mom marry your dad?
    1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
    2 She got too old to do anything else with him.
    3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.


    Who's the boss at your house?
    1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
    2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
    3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


    What's the difference between moms & dads?
    1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
    2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
    3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
    4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


    What does your mom do in her spare time?
    1. Mothers don't do spare time.
    2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


    What would it take to make your mom perfect?
    1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
    2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

    If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
    1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
    2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
    3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

  4. #1064
    Senior Member 2dumb2kwit's Avatar
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    Strange. When I read this, for some reason, I thought of Pal.

    An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

    "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

    "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

    "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

    "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "Previously, it would take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
    Writer of wrongs.
    Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
    "Stop Global Whining"

  5. #1065
    Senior Member 2dumb2kwit's Avatar
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    "Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.


    Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

    Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."


    The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy; the whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm.

    After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

    Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."
    Writer of wrongs.
    Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
    "Stop Global Whining"

  6. #1066
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    LOL,, good one

  7. #1067
    American Patriot woodsman86's Avatar
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    Let Me See If I Got This Right!!!


    If You Cross The North Korean Border Illegally
    You Get 12 Years Hard Labor.

    If You Cross The Iranian Border Illegally
    You Are Detained Indefinitely.

    If You Cross The Afghan Border Illegally
    You Get Shot.

    If You Cross The Saudi Arabian Border Illegally
    You Will Be Jailed.

    If You Cross The Chinese Border Illegally
    You May Never Be Heard From Again.

    If You Cross The Venezuelan Border Illegally
    You Will Be Branded A Spy And Your Fate Will Be Sealed.

    If You Cross The Cuban Border Illegally
    You Will Be Thrown Into Political Prison To Rot.

    If You Cross The U.s. Border Illegally You Get
    1 - A Job,
    2 - A Drivers License,
    3 - Social Security Card,
    4 - Welfare,
    5 - Food Stamps,
    6 - Credit Cards,
    7 - Subsidized Rent Or A Loan To Buy A House,
    8 - Free Education,
    9 - Free Health Care,
    10 - A Lobbyist In Washington
    11 - Billions Of Dollars Worth Of Public Documents Printed In Your Language
    12 - And The Right To Carry Your Country's Flag While You Protest That You Don't Get Enough Respect


    I Just Wanted To Make Sure I Had A Firm Grasp On The Situation...
    "The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his."
    -General George S. Patton, Jr.


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  8. #1068
    Quality Control Director Ken's Avatar
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    Great post! Rep going your way, woodsman!
    “Learning is not compulsory. Neither is survival.”
    W. Edwards Deming

    "Live free or die: Death is not the worst of evils."
    General John Stark

  9. #1069
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit View Post
    Strange. When I read this, for some reason, I thought of Pal.
    Oh Yea? I lock myself in the closet and tell her I won't come out
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  10. #1070
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    May be a re post, but still a goody

    AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
    To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
    Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
    I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
    First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
    I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
    After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
    I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
    I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
    Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
    The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
    ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you .... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  11. #1071
    American Patriot woodsman86's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ken View Post
    Great post! Rep going your way, woodsman!
    Thanks...it is an unfortunate funny reality
    "The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his."
    -General George S. Patton, Jr.


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  12. #1072
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Several years ago I had changed cell phone numbers at work and hadn't updated my voice message after a few days. So it was still the default pass code. Some moron from the DC area called into my voice message and left a string of vulgarities as my voice message. Not cool for a work number. I did, however, have caller ID. And working for the phone company, it didn't take much to find out a whole lot of information on the fool. I did have a lot of fun at his expense.
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

  13. #1073
    American Patriot woodsman86's Avatar
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    HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010

    Scenario 1:
    Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
    1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
    2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

    Scenario 2:
    Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
    1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
    2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

    Scenario 3:
    Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
    1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
    2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

    Scenario 4:
    Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
    1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
    2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

    Scenario 5:
    Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school..
    1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with a school buddy that has a headache also.
    2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

    Scenario 6:
    Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
    1957 - Ants die.
    2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

    Scenario 7:
    Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
    1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
    2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
    "The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his."
    -General George S. Patton, Jr.


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    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool Life Explained

    LIFE EXPLAINED!


    On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the
    door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For
    this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

    The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
    years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

    So God agreed.

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people,
    do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
    life span."

    The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
    time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

    And God agreed.

    On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the
    field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
    calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will
    give you a life span of sixty years."

    The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
    sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

    And God agreed again.

    On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play,
    marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

    But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
    twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
    the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

    "Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

    So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and
    enjoy ourselves.
    For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
    For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
    And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  15. #1075
    Cold Heartless Breed tsitenha's Avatar
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    An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

    He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

    'Just water,' says the priest.

    The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

    The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
    Bear Clan

    I was born with nothing,
    with hard work and deligence I still have most of it
    this week a lot less...must be a hole in my pocket

  16. #1076
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool Rooster tale...

    A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
    chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says
    to the old rooster: "time for you to retire."

    The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
    these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me
    have the two old hens over in the corner?' The young rooster says,
    'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

    The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
    around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the
    entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't
    stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head
    start.'

    The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
    rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
    farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

    He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The
    farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
    when he sees the roosters running by.

    The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
    The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
    - BOOM -
    He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head
    and says, Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
    Moral of this story? ...

    Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery overcomes youth and arrogance!
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  17. #1077
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    A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
    The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

    The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

    After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

    The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

  18. #1078
    Senior Member 2dumb2kwit's Avatar
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    First Class Blond

    A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a
    ticket for the coach section.

    She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and morecomfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that
    her seat is in coach.

    The blond replies, "Im young, blond and beautiful, and Im going to sit here all the way to LA." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem.

    The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blond replies, "Im young, blond and beautiful, and Im going to sit here all the way to LA."

    The captain doesnt want to cause a commotion and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend and that he can take care of the problem.

    He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blondes ear. She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

    He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isnt going to LA."
    Writer of wrongs.
    Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
    "Stop Global Whining"

  19. #1079

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    How amny survivalists does it take to set up a tent? None! somebody else would have already done it while the survivalists decided what the best approach would be. LOL!

  20. #1080
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    None! They don't use tents. They would build a wikiup out of young saplings, bark and a quarter sheet of tarp someone discarded. They would heat it with a hobo stove made from a large pork and beans can found along the trail and prepare to going fishing with home made cordage made while they warmed up in the wikiup. Come on man, we're talkin' survivalists!!!!!!
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

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