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Thread: Joke of the day.

  1. #1041
    Senior Member BLEUXDOG's Avatar
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    And don't forget the ducks!
    If you always do what you've always done...
    You'll always get what you've always gotten.

    No matter where you go...
    there you are.


  2. #1042
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Several customers were sitting in a barbershop when a kid crosses the street walking toward the shop.

    "Hey fellas," said the barber with a smirk. "Here comes the world's dumbest kid. You just watch this."

    The barber takes out a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other. The kid walks into the shop, looks at the barber, takes the two quarters and leaves.

    "Whad I tell ya?" asked the barber with a laugh.

    About an hour later one of the customers passes the boy, who is standing outside a candy shop.

    "Say, son, I was at the barbershop this morning when you came in. Why did you take the two quarters and not the dollar?"

    The kid turned to the man, "'Cause the minute I take that dollar, the game's over."

    Never judge a book by its cover. That's what my momma always said.
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

  3. #1043
    Senior Member 2dumb2kwit's Avatar
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    I think I've posted this before, but what the heck.....It's a classic. LOL

    The Pope
    and Nancy Pelosi are on the same
    stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge
    crowd.

    The

    Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave

    of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will

    not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll

    forever speak of this day and rejoice!"


    Pelosi

    replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show

    me!"

    So the Pope backhanded the Wench.

    Kind of

    brings tears to your eyes, don't it.
    Writer of wrongs.
    Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
    "Stop Global Whining"

  4. #1044
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool Heh-heh!

    Quote Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit View Post
    I think I've posted this before, but what the heck.....It's a classic. LOL
    I'm not catholic, but bless the Pope anyway!
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  5. #1045
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool Let's hear it for mom!

    >>25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

    1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
    "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

    2.My mother taught me RELIGION.
    "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

    3.My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
    " If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
    of next week!"

    4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
    " Because I said so, that's why."

    5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
    "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
    to the store with me.."

    6.My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

    7.My mother taught me IRONY
    "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

    8.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

    9.My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
    "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

    10.My mother taught me about STAMINA..
    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

    11.My mother taught me about WEATHER.
    "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

    12.My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
    "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

    13.My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

    14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
    "Stop acting like your father!"

    15.My mother taught me about ENVY.
    "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
    have wonderful parents like you do."

    16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    "Just wait until we get home."

    17.My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
    "You are going to get it when you get home!"

    18.My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..
    "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

    19.My mother taught me ESP.
    "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

    20.My mother taught me HUMOR.
    "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

    21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
    "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

    22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
    "You're just like your father."

    23.My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

    24.My mother taught me WISDOM.
    "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

    25. And my favorite:My mother taught me about JUSTICE
    "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  6. #1046
    Senior Member 2dumb2kwit's Avatar
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    A Blond, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

    "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
    The Blond said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
    The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

    A short time later, the Blond came to the door to collect her money.
    "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the Blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the Blond added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
    Writer of wrongs.
    Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
    "Stop Global Whining"

  7. #1047
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit View Post
    A Blond, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

    "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
    The Blond said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
    The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

    A short time later, the Blond came to the door to collect her money.
    "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the Blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the Blond added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
    ha ha ,, good One !!

  8. #1048
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    Default Not a joke, real serious stuff

    I think these folks have a real good reason for a job action.

    http://www.9wsyr.com/entertainment/w...VIZKGJb6Q.cspx

    Workers strike over beer limits

    Last Update: 4/12 9:04 am


    Beer (Cate Gillon, Getty Images/file)
    Workers at the Carlsberg beer warehouse in Denmark have been on strike after bosses reduced the amount of time staff can drink beer during working hours.
    The staff was allowed to drink any time they wanted, but new regulations have restricted consuming free beer to lunchtime only.
    A representative for the striking employees claims they were not consulted about the change, and he cites their accident-free record to prove his point that the all-day drinking allowance wasn't a problem.
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  9. #1049
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool Yeah, and...

    Quote Originally Posted by Pal334 View Post
    I think these folks have a real good reason for a job action.

    http://www.9wsyr.com/entertainment/w...VIZKGJb6Q.cspx

    Workers strike over beer limits

    Last Update: 4/12 9:04 am


    Beer (Cate Gillon, Getty Images/file)
    Workers at the Carlsberg beer warehouse in Denmark have been on strike after bosses reduced the amount of time staff can drink beer during working hours.
    The staff was allowed to drink any time they wanted, but new regulations have restricted consuming free beer to lunchtime only.
    A representative for the striking employees claims they were not consulted about the change, and he cites their accident-free record to prove his point that the all-day drinking allowance wasn't a problem.
    When asked if they thought this was worth striking over, one of the worker's replied: "Ya durn right! Who are wheeze guys...deese guys...uh, who dey...hmmm...yep, we do!"
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  10. #1050
    Senior Member 2dumb2kwit's Avatar
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    LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE




    A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the
    airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

    'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

    OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

    The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

    To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know ****?
    Writer of wrongs.
    Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
    "Stop Global Whining"

  11. #1051

    Default

    Fella is out hiking and he come on to a guy who is hugging a tree. He asks if the guy is ok and the guy says yeah. He says if you hug the tree you can hear nature. He tells the guy to try it.

    As soon as the guy hugs the tree the other guy handcuffs him to the tree and steals his clothes and wallet.

    Awhile later a guy comes walking down the trail and sees the first guy handcuffed. He asks why and the guy tells him. A second later the guy hears a zipper and the guy whispers in his ear, "this just isn't your day!"


    If that is too risque delete it.

  12. #1052
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    Dear Lord,this year,you took my favorite actor,Patrick Swayzie. You took my favorite actress,Farrah Fawcett. You took my favorite singer,Michael Jackson.I just wanted you to know,my favorite president is Barack Obama.

    Amen.
    Last edited by nell67; 04-22-2010 at 10:11 PM.
    Soular powered by the son.

    Nell, MLT (ASCP)

  13. #1053
    Senior Member 2dumb2kwit's Avatar
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    Atlanta Airport



    You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others... Southerners can be so polite!


    Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R"

    Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R


    Allah be Praised."

    Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

    Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.

    Allah is Great."







    Pause....

    Saudi Air: ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC!"


    Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."


    Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"



    Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us --
    Writer of wrongs.
    Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
    "Stop Global Whining"

  14. #1054
    Senior Member BENESSE's Avatar
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    Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
    their kids overnight.

    When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

    The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

    "How much?" asked Grandpa.

    "$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

    "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

    Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told
    you each pill was $10, not $110.

    "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

  15. #1055
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    Good one !!!!

  16. #1056
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    YOU WILL GET A SMILE FROM THIS ONE!

    Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
    But, as time went by, the traffic
    slowly built up at an alarming rate.
    The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
    chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

    So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office
    and said, "You've got to do something about all
    of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."


    "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
    "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
    So the next day he had the county workers
    go out and erected a sign that said:

    SLOW:
    SCHOOL CROSSING


    Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
    and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
    The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
    So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
    workers and they put up a new sign:
    SLOW:
    CHILDREN AT PLAY





    That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
    and called and called every day for three weeks.
    Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
    doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"
    The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.."
    He was going to let Farmer John do just about
    anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.


    The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
    Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the
    sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call..
    "How's the problem with those drivers.
    Did you put up your sign?"

    "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
    killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
    He hung up the phone.
    The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
    himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
    look at that sign... it might be something that
    WE could use to slow down drivers..."

    So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
    and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
    It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....

    NUDIST COLONY
    Go slow and watch out for chicks!





  17. #1057
    Senior Member BENESSE's Avatar
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    A guy and a girl are in the backseat of his car having sex.
    The guy says to the girl, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time."

    The girl replies, "Hell, if I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

  18. #1058
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    Like most folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they

    pay me. I pay my taxes & the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.

    In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem).

    What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

    So, here is my question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

    Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT----doing drugs while I work.

    Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

    I guess we could call the program "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"!


    Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you all will pass it along, though. Something has to change in this country!!!!!!!!
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  19. #1059
    Senior Member BENESSE's Avatar
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    Agree 100%!!!

  20. #1060
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    + 1, Agreed,,, That and no new Babies allowed ,,

    BTW, why is this in Jokes ?

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