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Thread: Joke of the day.

  1. #81
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Good one Nell. Very, very nice.
    Can't Means Won't

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  2. #82
    missing in action trax's Avatar
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    Nicely done MDN
    some fella confronted me the other day and asked "What's your problem?" So I told him, "I don't have a problem I am a problem"

  3. #83
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Camping Turtles

    Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they’ve forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You’ve gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

    "No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

    "I promise I won’t," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

    Nine full days pass and there’s still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I’m not going!"
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  4. #84
    Senior Member laughing beetle's Avatar
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    Bwahahahahahaa!!!!:d:d
    Turtle Clan / Coffee Addicts Anonymous

  5. #85
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    Dear Alcohol,

    First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a HUGEfan of yours.

    As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
    The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game and
    you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside
    chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
    midst of endless family gatherings).

    However, lately I've been wondering about your
    intentions. While I want to believe that you have my
    best interests at heart, I feel that your influence
    has led to some unwise consequences:

    1. Phone Calls/Text Messages:
    While I agree with you
    that communication is important. I question the
    suggestion that conversation after 2 a.m. can have
    much substance or necessity. Why would you make me
    call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they
    DO NOT want to hear from me during the day,
    let alone all hours of the night.

    2. Eating:
    Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why
    do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce
    along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips
    (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat
    AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an
    eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this
    time.

    3. Clumsiness:
    Unless you're subtly trying to tell me
    that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I
    see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to
    fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black
    & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the
    next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never
    take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key
    into the lock.

    4. Furthermore:
    The hangovers have GOT to stop! This
    is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our
    previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But,
    the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely
    unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the
    proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread
    products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
    (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn
    or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no
    way interfere with my daily activities.

    Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
    now and would like to ensure that we remain on good
    terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the
    provocation for much laughter, and the needed
    companion when I just don't know what to do with the
    extra money in my pockets.

    In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
    carefully review my grievances above and address them
    immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
    Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible
    solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful
    partnership.

    Thank you,
    Your Biggest Fan

    P.S. Please take e a moment or two and note the
    following items below that I think may be of some
    interest to you.

    THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

    1. Innovative
    2. Preliminary
    3. Proliferation
    4. Cinnamon

    THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

    1. Specificity
    2. British Constitution
    3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder

    THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
    DRUNK:

    1. Thanks but I don't want to have sex.
    2. Nope, no more beer for me.
    3. Sorry but you're not really my type.
    4. Good evening, officer. Would you like a soft taco?
    5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
    Soular powered by the son.

    Nell, MLT (ASCP)

  6. #86
    Senior Member laughing beetle's Avatar
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    HA! (snort!!!) Coffee went up my nose!!!
    Turtle Clan / Coffee Addicts Anonymous

  7. #87
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Bear Alert

    In case anyone is considering doing some camping this spring or summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.
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  8. #88
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    Guess those bells are actually grizz dinner bells then,eh?
    Soular powered by the son.

    Nell, MLT (ASCP)

  9. #89
    Senior Member erunkiswldrnssurvival's Avatar
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    I guess your better off being a bell than the person wearing it
    God lives in the Mountain, Serve the Master, The Mountain also serves the Master. Serve the Mountain,
    The Mountain Breaks you.
    http://www.youtube.com/trapperjacksurvival
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  10. #90
    Loner Gray Wolf's Avatar
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    Uh, think ya missed the joke........
    "A person is not finished when they are defeated.
    A person is finished when they quit."

  11. #91
    Senior Member erunkiswldrnssurvival's Avatar
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    One day a Grizzly bear was using the bathroom in the woods. A rabbit happened to hop by. The Grizzly said Rabbit, does dung stick to your fur? The Rabbit answered: Why no mr bear dung doesnt stick to my fur!The Bear answered and said: Good i need something to wipe with!
    God lives in the Mountain, Serve the Master, The Mountain also serves the Master. Serve the Mountain,
    The Mountain Breaks you.
    http://www.youtube.com/trapperjacksurvival
    http://s567.photobucket.com/albums/ss113/erunkis

  12. #92
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    The Hypnotist at the Senior Center

    It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Home and the
    Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from many
    Senior Homes to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
    As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he
    announced,


    'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up
    here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each
    and every member of the audience.'


    The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
    beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.


    'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
    It's a very special watch. It's been in my family five or six
    generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and
    forth while quietly chanting,


    'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch .'


    The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
    forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds
    of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly
    it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
    floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.


    'Sh1t!,' said the Hypnotist.


    It took three days to clean up the old folks home

  13. #93
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh1t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE H*LL!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my boys nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative!

    SON-OF-A-BE OCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I crapped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my boys and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

    'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

  14. #94
    Coming through klkak's Avatar
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    ROFLMAO, I would have paid money to see that. You should send that to Jeff Foxworthy or Bill Engvall.
    1. If it's in your kit and you don't know how to use it....It's useless.
    2. If you can't reach your kit when you need it....Its useless.

    Alaska Backcountry Adventure Tours
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    Tell them Kevin sent you!!

  15. #95
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool Yo Rick...

    Did this really happen to you? My wife had read the same thing almost word for word on another forum...or maybe that was you as well?
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  16. #96
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Nope. Just a joke. Someone sent it to me. I thought it was pretty funny so I thought I'd share it. My wife doesn't need a taser. She can handle herself pretty well. At least I know where my place is. I don't know about anyone else.

  17. #97
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".The other replied, "No, it's not!".The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."
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  18. #98
    Coming through klkak's Avatar
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    THE BEAR AND THE ATHEIST

    An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

    As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7ft grizzly charging toward him.

    He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

    He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

    At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!... Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then the bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?

    The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but could you perhaps make the bear a Christian? "Very well," said the voice. The light went out.

    Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."
    1. If it's in your kit and you don't know how to use it....It's useless.
    2. If you can't reach your kit when you need it....Its useless.

    Alaska Backcountry Adventure Tours
    www.youralaskavacation.com
    Tell them Kevin sent you!!

  19. #99
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Very funny.
    Can't Means Won't

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  20. #100
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    This is so funny,give it a listen.

    http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf










    Soular powered by the son.

    Nell, MLT (ASCP)

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