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Thread: Joke of the day.

  1. #901
    missing in action trax's Avatar
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    Default I may have posted this before

    But Sarge's list reminded me of it. THis was a real headline in the Winnipeg Free Press a few years ago

    HUMAN LEG FOUND FLOATING IN RED RIVER
    Police suspect foul play

    I mean..you think so? I'm guessing somebody just decided they had no further use for one of their legs, sawed it off, limped down to the river and chucked it in...I say we charge the bast#rd with littering!
    some fella confronted me the other day and asked "What's your problem?" So I told him, "I don't have a problem I am a problem"


  2. #902
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool Yeah, and...

    Quote Originally Posted by trax View Post
    But Sarge's list reminded me of it. THis was a real headline in the Winnipeg Free Press a few years ago

    HUMAN LEG FOUND FLOATING IN RED RIVER
    Police suspect foul play

    I mean..you think so? I'm guessing somebody just decided they had no further use for one of their legs, sawed it off, limped down to the river and chucked it in...I say we charge the bast#rd with littering!
    Not only that, but "polluting a waterway" comes to mind also! Got to hand it to the Winnipeg police, those guys are "on the ball."
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  3. #903
    missing in action trax's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sarge47 View Post
    Not only that, but "polluting a waterway" comes to mind also! Got to hand it to the Winnipeg police, those guys are "on the ball."
    I don't know if you can still fine someone for polluting that particular waterway, I'm surprised the body parts didn't just skim right over the surface. When I'm in Winnipeg I often see people fishing along that river bank and I just shudder and think 'ewww' Don't want to know what they're pulling out of there.
    some fella confronted me the other day and asked "What's your problem?" So I told him, "I don't have a problem I am a problem"

  4. #904
    Quality Control Director Ken's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by trax View Post
    I don't know if you can still fine someone for polluting that particular waterway, I'm surprised the body parts didn't just skim right over the surface. When I'm in Winnipeg I often see people fishing along that river bank and I just shudder and think 'ewww' Don't want to know what they're pulling out of there.
    Back in the early 70's, I spent some time in Naugatuck, Connecticut. The major local employers were Uniroyal, which manufactured Keds sneakers and Naugahyde, and Peter-Paul (think Almond Joy and Mounds).

    Well, the Naugatuck River, which ran right through the center of town, had to be the most polluted body of water in the world. It was heavily polluted with sulfuric acid and a host of other chemicals. I remember a couple of times when I watched flames burning on the surface of the water.
    “Learning is not compulsory. Neither is survival.”
    W. Edwards Deming

    "Live free or die: Death is not the worst of evils."
    General John Stark

  5. #905
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ken
    I watched flames burning on the surface of the water.
    We'd all like to have a nickel for every time we've seen that.

  6. #906
    Quality Control Director Ken's Avatar
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    “Learning is not compulsory. Neither is survival.”
    W. Edwards Deming

    "Live free or die: Death is not the worst of evils."
    General John Stark

  7. #907
    Member Themeek's Avatar
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    Default Funny Things Said by Police

    1. I'm sorry Ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the DWI, you ARE a real criminal.

    2. Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say "Thank You." We stopped the guy who pays OUR salary!

    3. Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket.

    4. Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours.

    5. Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive?

    6. What do you mean I won't believe you? Just because you've got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation.

    7. No, you've got that WRONG. I'm even TOUGHER without the badge and gun.

    8. Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION.

    9. She STARTED it? That's the best you can do? My four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying.

    10. HAVE A NICE DAY.
    "If you can't laugh at your problems, your problems will laugh at you." Salvador Zamora (The building maintenance guy at work)

  8. #908
    Senior Member BENESSE's Avatar
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    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
    After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
    When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you $500 to drop that towel you've got on."
    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $500 and leaves.
    Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
    When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"
    "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
    "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $500 he owes me?"

  9. #909
    Senior Member 2dumb2kwit's Avatar
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    Due to the current financial situation caused by theslowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducingunemployment.

    This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

    Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program(Special Help After Forced Termination).

    Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
    A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

    Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

    Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

    Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much ****(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of**** they give our citizens.

    Should you feel that you donot receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the**** you can handle.

    Sincerely,
    The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

    PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current marketconditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
    Writer of wrongs.
    Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
    "Stop Global Whining"

  10. #910
    Senior Member 2dumb2kwit's Avatar
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    Default

    This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying 'Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!' He goes in and sits down.

    The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

    "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

    "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

    The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

    "Why did you do that?"

    "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.

    Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

    He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly.

    A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.

    "Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."
    Writer of wrongs.
    Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
    "Stop Global Whining"

  11. #911
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool Stupid question...Good answer!

    For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian Army General.






























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    General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.






    Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.






    Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.





    -------------------------------





    In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters...









    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    !
    We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.


    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

    The radiocastwent silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.

    Ya gotta love those Aussies! it's where we got the term, "Numpty," here on WSF!
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  12. #912
    Senior Member 2dumb2kwit's Avatar
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    Default Hunert Mile an Hour Goat

    Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they
    come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
    The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see
    the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
    The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down
    and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
    The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission
    here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick
    it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and
    throw it in the hole.
    They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and
    they hear a rustling in the brush behind them..
    As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the
    brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jumped in head
    first.
    While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in
    the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old
    farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers
    didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
    The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just
    standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the
    bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst
    into this hole here!"
    The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to
    a transmission!"
    Writer of wrongs.
    Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
    "Stop Global Whining"

  13. #913
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool Can't fool Mom!

    ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW.....

    One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

    I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift
    and it was one of my favorite toys.

    Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
    brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of
    tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

    My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
    tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
    enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
    watches him drink it up.

    Then she says, (as only a mother would know..

    'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach water is the toilet?

    ARGGGGHHH!!!
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  14. #914
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    Words of Wisdom from Little Larry

    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'




    Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'


    The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


    Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "


    Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  15. #915
    Senior Member 2dumb2kwit's Avatar
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    This one kinda reminded me of some of the things I pulled, back when I drove trucks, for a living. LOL

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlvqT...eature=related
    Writer of wrongs.
    Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
    "Stop Global Whining"

  16. #916
    Senior Member hunter63's Avatar
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    Love story:

    Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

    The End
    Geezer Squad....Charter Member #1
    Evoking the 50 year old rule...
    First 50 years...worried about the small stuff...second 50 years....Not so much
    Member Wahoo Killer knives club....#27

  17. #917
    Senior Member Winnie's Avatar
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    Love story II
    Once upon a time a guy asked a girl “will you marry me?! She said “no!” And the girl lived happily ever after, keeping her sleek figure, driving the car of her choice, having great holidays without some dumb A** constantly drinking beer, farting whenever he wanted and expecting her to clear-up after him.
    The end.
    Recession; A period when you go without something your Grandparents never heard of.

  18. #918
    Senior Member 2dumb2kwit's Avatar
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    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
    Writer of wrongs.
    Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
    "Stop Global Whining"

  19. #919
    Senior Member 2dumb2kwit's Avatar
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    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened when she brings it.
    Writer of wrongs.
    Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
    "Stop Global Whining"

  20. #920
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit View Post
    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened when she brings it.
    I am scrambling to see where I put my kevlar helmet, the fall out from that one will splash all the way up here in NJ !!!!!!!!
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

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