Joke of the day.

**Pal334** · 01-19-2010, 09:02 AM

1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." He said, "No, just taking a sh**."

2. When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way.. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.

3. I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"

**Themeek** · 01-19-2010, 06:03 PM

Late on cold winter night a state trooper finds a car slammed into a snow bank with it's engine still running. The trooper approaches the vehicle and see's and older gentleman asleep at the wheel with numerous empty or nearly emty alcohol containers. The Officer knock on the drivers window thus waking the driver.
The driver take one look out his window, sees the trooper, realizes he's in trouble, and hits the gas! Not realizing he is stuck in a snow bank.
The tropper, not missing a beat, begins running in place along side the car. As the spedometer climbs the driver looks at the trooper, checks his speed, looks at the trooper. He continues this until the speedometer registers 60mph, at which time the trooper, still running in place, again knocks on the window. This time he mouths to the driver "Pull over!"
The driver nods, turns his wheel, brakes, and turns off the car.

The drivers reactions after sobering up are still unkown.

**Themeek** · 01-19-2010, 06:11 PM

While out on safari a make wakes in the morning only to find himself surrounded by cannibals. Knowing he will die he simply states "God, I'm screwed"
To his amazement God replies "No. You are not screwed. Do you see that large rock there? Pick it up."
The man locates the rock nearby and does as God said. After he has the rock God says "Now the man holding the big spear is their chief. Use that rock and kill him"
Again the man does as God directs him. When he has killed the chief God speaks to the man once more he said...

"There. Now you're screwed!"

**Pal334** · 01-20-2010, 09:39 AM

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price.
The sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good God! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

The funeral is on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin; donations in lieu of flowers to the National Association for Retarded Husbands (NARH).

**Themeek** · 01-20-2010, 11:44 AM

Couldn't prove it by me. I think I know some of the people who wrote these answers...
S.A.T. TEST QUESTIONS

The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students! (Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the President someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

**2dumb2kwit** · 01-20-2010, 05:15 PM

The Female Genie

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle
on the sand and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded," You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am?
I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the
woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women
in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.

"The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health
insurance.

**Rick** · 01-20-2010, 05:24 PM

Is that true?

**2dumb2kwit** · 01-21-2010, 06:12 PM

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

**Sarge47** · 01-23-2010, 04:54 PM

Sitting together on a train.
Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

**Ted** · 01-24-2010, 03:29 PM

LOL!!!! Thanks Sarge!

p.s. Love your sig quote!

**hoosierarcher** · 01-24-2010, 04:37 PM

1) Two guys walked into a bar, the third guy ducked.

2) A clown walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this a joke?"

3) I went fishing with Salvidor Dali. He used a dotted line and caught every other fish.

**Rick** · 01-24-2010, 08:05 PM

A very rich man lost his dog. He was heart broken. So he had signs drawn up and posted them all over town. The signs read:

Lost dog.
Easily recognizable. Worlds shaggiest dog.
$10,000 reward.

A rather poor young man read one of the signs and was determined to collect the reward money. He searched high and low, ever street and alleyway. He searched the local pound. He found a lot of shaggy dogs but none that would even be close to the world's shaggiest.

So he went to the next town, then the next, and the next. Finally, in the fourth town he found what had to be the shaggiest dog in the world. The dog could not see because of all the hair. When he barked he could not hear it because of all the hair. When he tried to walk he would fall down because of all the hair. Most folks couldn't tell if he was coming or going because of all the hair.

"This dog just has to be the one," thought the young man. He'd never seen a dog that shaggy in all his life. He scooped the dog up because it could not walk and ran all the way back to the rich man's town.

Exhausted and out of breath we finally trudged up the few steps to the man's front door. He rang the door bell and waited. Finally the man opened the door and looked the young man and the dog over.

"Not that shaggy." And he closed the door.

**2dumb2kwit** · 01-25-2010, 03:19 PM

" DOCTORS & UNEMPLOYED " !!!

An Israeli doctor says,
"Medicine in my country is so advanced
that we can take a kidney out of one man,
put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks."

A German doctor says,
"That is nothing; we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another, and
have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says.
"In my country, medicine is so advanced
that we can take half a heart out of one
person, put it in another, and have them
both looking for work in two weeks."

An ILLINOIS doctor, says.
"You guys are way behind.
We recently took a man with
no brains out of ILLINOIS ,
put him in the White House
and within SIX MONTHS,
half the COUNTRY is looking for work."

**Sarge47** · 01-28-2010, 01:22 AM

Next of kin
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied:

"Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

**trax** · 01-28-2010, 02:44 PM

Nicely done Sarge.

**nell67** · 01-28-2010, 08:45 PM

When Reagan was President, we had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now that Obama is President, we have no Hope and no Cash...

**Durtyoleman** · 01-29-2010, 06:02 PM

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Sharon.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare
hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

'Stay away from Aunt Sharon when she's been drinking.'

**2dumb2kwit** · 01-30-2010, 12:09 PM

You Might Be a Yankee if...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY.

You have no problem pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

You don't even know what a Moon Pie is.

You've never had grain alcohol.

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

You have no idea what a polecat is.

Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

You see nothing wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

**Sarge47** · 01-30-2010, 11:32 PM

Smart Lawyers!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shi**ing me?
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.