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Thread: Joke of the day.

  1. #61
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    Good one Trax!
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    Nell, MLT (ASCP)


  2. #62
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    Today is International Weird-A** People's Day.

    Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

    I don't care if you lick windows,
    Sniff toilet seats
    Or occasionally sh*t yourself...

    You hang in there Sunshine,
    You're frigging special !!!!
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    Nell, MLT (ASCP)

  3. #63
    missing in action trax's Avatar
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    A plane crashes on a deserted island and all that survives is one guy, a dog and a sheep. Well, after several months of isolation the guy's starting to eyeball the sheep, thinking it's looking better all the time. But every time he tries to get near the sheep, the dog bares it's teeth and starts snarling and growling. So the guy's afraid to try anything.

    A few weeks of this frustration and the guy sees another plane crash in the ocean. The only survivor washes ashore and it's Hilary Clinton. The guy and the dog pull her out of the water and she sets up camp with the three of them. After several weeks, they're sitting watching the sunset over the Pacific and the guy turns to Hilary and says

    "I'd like you to do something really special for me"

    Hilary responds in her sexiest husky voice and says "anything....anything at all"

    The guy says "Would you mind taking that dog for a walk to the other side of the island?"
    some fella confronted me the other day and asked "What's your problem?" So I told him, "I don't have a problem I am a problem"

  4. #64
    Tracker Beo's Avatar
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    Now that's funny... lol...
    Yeah she is fugly as he11... lol...
    There is no greater solitude than that of the Tracker in the forest, unless perhaps it's that of the wolf in the wilderness.

  5. #65
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Talking Hmmm............

    Quote Originally Posted by trax View Post
    Two international scientist, one fellow from England and the other from the Czech Republic, journeyed out to the foothills of the Canadian Rockies to study the wildlife. They were warned several times about the dangers, but in the spirit of fellowship of the international scientific community, red tape was cut aside and off they went.

    A couple of weeks later, when they didn't call in to their base camp, a SAR group went out looking for them. They found their camp in total disarray and no sign of either scientist. They discovered the tracks of two adult grizzlies. They immediately got on the radio and a professional hunter and tracker was brought in. He tracked the bears and discovered that it was a male and a female. He managed to shoot the female and they choppered her remains out. Conclusive DNA evidence told them that the remains of the Englishman were in the female's digestive tract. This led the investigators to only one possible logical conclusion:

    "The Czech's in the male"
    Didn't Discovery make a movie about that? Something called: "Czech this out"?
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

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  6. #66
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    I saw a CCT production last night called Corner Gas. Man was that thing funny. First time I"ve ever seen it. Bravo Canada!

  7. #67
    Senior Member erunkiswldrnssurvival's Avatar
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    Thats going to be a good joke tomorow too, Ha!

  8. #68
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    Husband Store

    A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:



    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:



    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs



    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:



    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.



    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


    She goes to the fourth f loor and the sign reads:


    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.


    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    PLEASE NOTE:

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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  9. #69
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support Employee (CSE)

    Customer Support Employee (CSE): May I help you?

    Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

    CSE: What sort of trouble?

    Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

    CSE: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

    Customer: Nothing.

    CSE: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

    Customer: How do I tell?

    CSE: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

    Customer: What's a sea-prompt?

    CSE: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

    Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

    CSE: Does your monitor have a power indicator?

    Customer: What's a monitor?

    CSE: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

    Customer: I don't know.

    CSE: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

    Customer: Yes, I think so.

    CSE: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

    Customer: I can't. It's dark out here.

    CSE: Dark?

    Customer: There's a power outage.

    CSE: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in with?

    Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

    CSE: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

    Customer: Really? Is it that bad?

    CSE: Yes, I'm afraid it is.

    Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

    CSE: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.
    Can't Means Won't

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  10. #70
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    West Virginia Farm Kid
    (NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)


    Dear Ma and Pa,

    I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

    I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
    Practically nothing.

    Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you
    until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

    We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

    The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

    This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

    Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
    Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

    Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

    Your loving daughter,
    Alice






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  11. #71
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Nice........
    Can't Means Won't

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  12. #72
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    WHO IS JACK SCHITT ?

    For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

    Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

    In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

    Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

    Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

    Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from
    Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

    Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

    Sincerely,

    Crock O. Schitt

  13. #73
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool wow!

    WOW! That's a lotta schitt!
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  14. #74
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    good one Rick!
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    Nell, MLT (ASCP)

  15. #75
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    "AND DON'T FORGET THE TIP"

    While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

    As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card'.

    It would be nice if everyone would do their part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person and tell them you care.

    Since you are reading this...I care. My job here is done.

  16. #76
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'


    Esther always replied, 'I know Morris , but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

    One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

    To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

    The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'


    Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

    When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

    Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

  17. #77
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Nice........
    Can't Means Won't

    My Youtube Channel

  18. #78
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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  19. #79
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Oh, man!!! Now THAT'S funny!!!

  20. #80
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    I thought so too
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