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Thread: Joke of the day.

  1. #41

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    and notice theyre both men. lol
    I'm sweet as sugar but tough as nails.


  2. #42

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    he shoulda sked a woman, wed coulda told him exactly where he was,lol
    I'm sweet as sugar but tough as nails.

  3. #43
    Senior Member wareagle69's Avatar
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    a fire fighter cleaning his truck outside of the sation notices a little girl going buy with a red wagon with ladders hanging off the side and a neatly coiled hose in the wagon, pulling the wagon is a dog and a cat.
    firefighter says to the little girl "say thats a nice wagon" girl smiles politely and says"thankyou"
    the firefighter notices that the dog is attached to the wagon with a rope to his collar white the kitty is attached by a rope to his testicles
    so the firefighter says"far be it from me to tell someone how to run their rig but ya might go fatser if the cat was attached by his collar also"
    so the little girl looks at him thoughtfully as replies" true but if i did that i wouldn't have a siren".
    always be prepared-prepare all ways
    http://wareaglesurvival.blogspot.com

  4. #44
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TrappinGal View Post
    he shoulda sked a woman, wed coulda told him exactly where he was,lol
    ....or where to go?
    Can't Means Won't

    My Youtube Channel

  5. #45

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    Quote Originally Posted by crashdive123 View Post
    ....or where to go?

    that too if necessary........
    I'm sweet as sugar but tough as nails.

  6. #46
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

    Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

    "I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"
    Can't Means Won't

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  7. #47
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Talking Here I go again.

    This blonde lady decided that she was going to try her hand at Ice Fishing; so she bought all the gear, headed out on the ice and began to drill with her ice auger. Suddenly a loud voice boomed from above: "There are no fish under the ice!"
    It scared her so bad she dropped everything & ran over to her local Starbucks for a cup of coffee to help settle her nerves. After a couple of cups she decided to go back & try a different spot. So she went back, picked up her gear, & moved to a new spot. She just got the auger into position when the deep voice from above boomed again: "There are NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!"
    She looked up nervously and asked: "Is that you, God?"
    The voice came back: "No...I own this Ice Skating Rink!"
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  8. #48
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    A guy walked out of his house on the way to work. As he walked down the steps he notice a snail slowly climbing up the steps. He picked up the snail, looked it over, and gave it a fling over the roof.

    The poor snail went flying through the air and landed in the back yard. The landing knocked him senseless. He laid there for a while until he could pull himself together then he headed back around the house.

    It took more than a year but he finally made it back to the front steps. As luck would have it, the guy was heading to out to work. He saw the snail and bent down to pick it up. The snail looked up at him and said, "A$$hole?"

    Revenge is sweet!

  9. #49
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Talking Here's another!

    My wife says this one has been a big hit on one of her forums:
    A Muslim, lost in the American coutryside, found himself desperately in need of water. As luck would have it, he stumbled onto a farm owned by an Amish fellow. Spying a pool of waer, the Muslim quickly dashed over to it and began lapping up the water as a dog might do. The Amish farmer spotted the individual & proceeded to wave his arms while yelling in his native tounge, which happened to be German, that the water pool was where his pigs urinated; & he knew how Muslims felt about pork.

    The Muslim couldn't understand, & stood up & angrily replied: "I am Muslim & I only speak Farsi & English. If you must speak to me, infidel, then please do so in either of those two languages as I don't understand a word of your Gibberish!" The Amish fellow was taken aback, thought about it, then said in English: "I was trying to tell you that if you scoop up the water in both hands you'll be able to drink a lot more."
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  10. #50
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    A elderly couple were having dinner at a restaurant when the husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

    "Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

    "OK," says he. "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

    "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy idea but why not?"

    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, thinks I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, the old man drops his trousers and they have a go at it.

    Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

    "My God!" thought the policeman. "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen!" Surely, he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching, thinks, "I've got to ask them what their secret is."

    So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

    "Secret?" asked the old man in a shaky voice. "Yeah, fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

  11. #51
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Do you happen to know why?

    When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.

    Ever wonder why?

    Because she smells like a new truck!

  12. #52
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    Talking



    A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love,
    couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

    So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

    "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

    "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. "I'm going to have a beer."

    The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him
    25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc

    The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...they have frozen glasses... "

    He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

    The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

    "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes
    of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

    "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

    "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN S**T! SIT YOUR A** DOWN, SHUT THE HECK UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A** ISN'T GOING TO A DARN BAR! THAT S**T IS OVER, GOT IT, JACK***?"

    and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

    MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP





    Soular powered by the son.

    Nell, MLT (ASCP)

  13. #53
    Senior Member wareagle69's Avatar
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    that hurt just reading it, no seriuosly it hurt my eyes just reading it, boy you woman sure know how to make a man suffer
    always be prepared-prepare all ways
    http://wareaglesurvival.blogspot.com

  14. #54
    Senior Member Ole WV Coot's Avatar
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    MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP

    After 43yrs I still hurt reading something like that. Pain you women inflict is dreadful. Any wonder Native Americans would turn their captives over to the women for torture. Years ago if we had TV dinners, microwaves, instant coffee and weekend woman rental lots of
    us still might be single. NOT ME, JUST IN CASE SHE WALKS IN AND READS OVER MY SHOULDER
    Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he's too old
    to fight... he'll just kill you.

  15. #55
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    Default And then the fight started...

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
    expensive - so, I took her to a gas station.

    And then the fight started....
    ************************************************** **********************

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
    Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
    verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
    home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
    and come back later The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
    hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
    and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
    Social Security office.
    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
    disability, too'

    And then the fight started.....

    ************************************************** **************************



    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
    kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
    nearby table.

    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
    girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
    those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating
    that long?'

    And then the fight started.....

    ************************************************** **************************
    ****


    I rear-ended a car this morning.
    So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
    of his car.
    You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
    seem funny?
    Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
    HAPPY!!!'
    So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

    And then the fight started.....
    Soular powered by the son.

    Nell, MLT (ASCP)

  16. #56
    Loner Gray Wolf's Avatar
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    Oh nell lol, you're on a roll!!!
    "A person is not finished when they are defeated.
    A person is finished when they quit."

  17. #57
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    Figured it was time to lighten it up around here a bit.
    Soular powered by the son.

    Nell, MLT (ASCP)

  18. #58

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    what do you get when you cross an overfriendly cable installer and an irritable yet saucy tyke? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSPvQ2Kb484

  19. #59
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC: "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

    Dear Madam:
    I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous...even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.
    Sincerely, (Campground Owner)
    Can't Means Won't

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  20. #60
    missing in action trax's Avatar
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    Two international scientist, one fellow from England and the other from the Czech Republic, journeyed out to the foothills of the Canadian Rockies to study the wildlife. They were warned several times about the dangers, but in the spirit of fellowship of the international scientific community, red tape was cut aside and off they went.

    A couple of weeks later, when they didn't call in to their base camp, a SAR group went out looking for them. They found their camp in total disarray and no sign of either scientist. They discovered the tracks of two adult grizzlies. They immediately got on the radio and a professional hunter and tracker was brought in. He tracked the bears and discovered that it was a male and a female. He managed to shoot the female and they choppered her remains out. Conclusive DNA evidence told them that the remains of the Englishman were in the female's digestive tract. This led the investigators to only one possible logical conclusion:

    "The Czech's in the male"
    some fella confronted me the other day and asked "What's your problem?" So I told him, "I don't have a problem I am a problem"

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