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Thread: Joke of the day.

  1. #521
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    I must have had some reeeeeeaaaaaallly slow brain cells 'cause I'm sure I have plenty of slow ones left.
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.


  2. #522
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    You need to drink more.
    Can't Means Won't

    My Youtube Channel

  3. #523
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool Well, uh, Rick...

    Quote Originally Posted by Rick View Post
    I must have had some reeeeeeaaaaaallly slow brain cells 'cause I'm sure I have plenty of slow ones left.
    Actually you have to have some brain cells in the 1st place before you go measuring their rate of speed!
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  4. #524
    Senior Member 2dumb2kwit's Avatar
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    This is a real "Oh Crap" moment!

    His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

    Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the Door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'

    The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, `Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

    'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

    The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT my Flight Instructor?
    Writer of wrongs.
    Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
    "Stop Global Whining"

  5. #525
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    That would be bad. But THIS is an "Oh, crap!" moment. It makes me sad just looking at it.

    Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

    "Hello, boss? You remember when you told me to make certain the trailer door was locked? Weeeeeeell......"
    Last edited by Rick; 08-01-2009 at 04:00 PM.
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

  6. #526
    Senior Member 2dumb2kwit's Avatar
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    Not actually a joke, but I laughed until I cried! Now that was comedy!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qqE_WmagjY
    Writer of wrongs.
    Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
    "Stop Global Whining"

  7. #527
    Quality Control Director Ken's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit View Post
    Not actually a joke, but I laughed until I cried! Now that was comedy!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qqE_WmagjY

    2dumb? Did you hear what that lady called you?
    “Learning is not compulsory. Neither is survival.”
    W. Edwards Deming

    "Live free or die: Death is not the worst of evils."
    General John Stark

  8. #528
    Senior Member 2dumb2kwit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ken View Post
    2dumb? Did you hear what that lady called you?
    Hey, watch it!!! I'm not little!
    Writer of wrongs.
    Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
    "Stop Global Whining"

  9. #529
    Wolverine RunsWithDeer's Avatar
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    Subject: A lawyer with a kind heart?

    One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

    Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate..

    He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

    'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

    'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

    'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

    'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

    Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

    The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a
    wife and SIX children with me!'

    'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.

    They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

    Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
    'Sir, you are too kind.' 'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

    The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place."

    'The grass is almost a foot high.'

  10. #530
    Senior Member rebel_chick's Avatar
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    haha that is awesome! Was not expecting that...

  11. #531
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    Activity to pass the time....

    The School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see
    if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over
    50 years of age cannot do it!

    1. This is this cat.
    2. This is is cat.
    3. This is how cat.
    4. This is to cat.
    5. This is keep cat.
    6. This is an cat.
    7. This is old cat.
    8. This is fart cat.
    9. This is busy cat.
    10. This is for cat.
    11. This is fifty cat.
    12. This is seconds cat.

    Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down
    and I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on . .
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  12. #532
    Quality Control Director Ken's Avatar
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    Boating Related Death

    Not for the squeamish!

    SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).

    WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.

    THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE

    (CHILLING!)
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    “Learning is not compulsory. Neither is survival.”
    W. Edwards Deming

    "Live free or die: Death is not the worst of evils."
    General John Stark

  13. #533
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    Default George Carlin on age

    Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

    'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going o n five! That's the key.

    You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

    'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

    But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

    You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

    But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60 You didn't think you would!

    So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, =C 2REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

    You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

    You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

    Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
    May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

    HOW TO STAY YOUNG
    1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

    2. Keep only cheerful friends. < /span>The grouches pull you down.

    3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

    4. Enjoy the simple things.

    5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

    6. The t ears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

    7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

    8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

    9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

    10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

    AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
    Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,but by the moments that take our breath away.
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  14. #534
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    Default Yes, I'm A Bad American

    I have edited this a bit, to be PC, but it still pus the point across


    I Am the Liberal-Progressives Worst Nightmare.
    I am an American.
    I in God.
    I ride Harley Davidson Motorcycles and believe in American products.
    I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some Liberal governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!
    I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!
    I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
    I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized,and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it!
    I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.
    I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
    My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and Willie G. Davidson that makes the Awesome Harley Davidson Motorcycles.
    I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
    I know wrestling is fake, and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.
    I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already.
    I believe if you don't like the way things are here,go back to where you came from and change your own country!
    This is AMERICA ...We like it the way it is!
    If you were born here and don't like it you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.
    I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
    And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license.
    I think it's good.... And I'm proud that 'God' is written on my money.
    I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in this country for the next four years.
    I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. Get a Job and do your part!
    I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
    I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think.
    If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  15. #535
    Senior Member 2dumb2kwit's Avatar
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    I found a video, of Rick and Crash, working their side job.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1ehMrK3itM

    I didn't know Rick could sing......and who would've figured crash could move like that???
    Writer of wrongs.
    Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
    "Stop Global Whining"

  16. #536
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    We practice a lot.
    Can't Means Won't

    My Youtube Channel

  17. #537
    Quality Control Director Ken's Avatar
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    REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES

    Juggling Knives is Easy

    Where To Find The Toys In The Oven

    Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things

    101 Games to Play in the Road

    Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork

    POP, Goes The Hamster and Other Fun Microwave Games

    Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi

    Monsters Killed Grandpa

    Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul

    All Guns Squirt Water

    When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street

    You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain

    How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish

    101 Recipies To Make With Dog

    If It's Storming Out The Best Place To Keep Shelter Is Under A Tree

    Your Nightmares are real

    Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis

    The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender

    Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap

    Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar Get a Flamethrower

    Grampa Gets A Casket

    Dad's New Wife Robert

    The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator
    “Learning is not compulsory. Neither is survival.”
    W. Edwards Deming

    "Live free or die: Death is not the worst of evils."
    General John Stark

  18. #538
    Quality Control Director Ken's Avatar
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    There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

    The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

    The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

    The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.
    “Learning is not compulsory. Neither is survival.”
    W. Edwards Deming

    "Live free or die: Death is not the worst of evils."
    General John Stark

  19. #539
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool Missed some.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ken View Post
    REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES

    Juggling Knives is Easy

    Where To Find The Toys In The Oven

    Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things

    101 Games to Play in the Road

    Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork

    POP, Goes The Hamster and Other Fun Microwave Games

    Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi

    Monsters Killed Grandpa

    Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul

    All Guns Squirt Water

    When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street

    You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain

    How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish

    101 Recipies To Make With Dog

    If It's Storming Out The Best Place To Keep Shelter Is Under A Tree

    Your Nightmares are real

    Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis

    The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender

    Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap

    Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar Get a Flamethrower

    Grampa Gets A Casket

    Dad's New Wife Robert

    The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator
    Missed these:
    Running with Sharp objects is Dangerous; & Other Urban Legends.

    Playing Cowboys & Indians With Daddy's Revolver is Best.

    Making Slingshots out of Mommy's Underwear!

    The 2nd Grade Teacher & the Single Student.

    Why Children Should Avoid Considering "Being a Lawyer" as a Career.

    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  20. #540
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    And that old time classic.

    Bus Drivers Love a Wet Finger in the Ear.
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

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