Joke of the day.

[trax]

That was nice Pal, but the guy could've used water and not wasted two perfectly good beers.

[Pal334]

That was nice Pal, but the guy could've used water and not wasted two perfectly good beers.

Ya know, you are the first to catch that. But what do you expect from a professor,, too much book learnin and not enough beer drinking

[crashdive123]

Waste? I think not. He just ran it through a three stage filter first.

[Pal334]

Always looking for the bright side

[trax]

Waste? I think not. He just ran it through a three stage filter first.

I figure when it comes to beer, I'm really just filtering it anyway, so that's the only filter it needs

[Ken]

That was nice Pal, but the guy could've used water and not wasted two perfectly good beers.

No big deal. I heard he used Bud.

[2dumb2kwit]

Alright.....which one of you guys, has been out, hunting with your dog???

[Rick]

I'd dress like that too if I was going to sniff the back side of my dog.

[Ken]

Little Johnny is at it again....

President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word 'tragedy'? So our illustrious president asked the
class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
would that be a tragedy?'

'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, would that be a tragedy?'

'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the
room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet
voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a
'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama.. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
be a great loss... And it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'

[Ken]

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog
chow for my loyal pet Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the
checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again.. I added that I probably
shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
again. (Everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's a-- and a car hit us both.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
the world to think of crazy things to say.

[Sarge47]

How Many Forum Members Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” … another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s

3 to post about links they found from the URL’s that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”

13 to say “do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[crashdive123]

Now that's funny (sadly all too true as well).

Hey --- that gives me an

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[Pal334]

ITALIAN GRANDFATHERS

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the
family.

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying.. He calls his grandson to his bedside.
"Elio,

I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated

.38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex
Watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'

[Rick]

My wife and I walked out of the drugstore yesterday and a police officer was writing out a parking ticket.

"Hey, come on," I said. "Can't you give an old guy a break?"

The cop kept writing so my wife called him a jerk, which prompted him to write a second ticket. I told him he was a sorry excuse for a cop and that if I was a few years younger I'd whip some sense into him. He placed the two tickets under the wiper and started writing a third.

When my wife saw him start on the third ticket I had to physically hold her back. She called him a few names I can't post but suffice it to say a fourth ticket was written.

After the fourth ticket we kept our mouths shut and watched the police officer climb into his squad car and drive away never having said a thing.

I looked at my wife and we both started laughing. It wasn't our car. Hey, we're getting old we have to have some fun now and then.

[Ken]

Now that's the Rick I've known all along.

[Pal334]

Classifieds
These classifieds actually ran in a Minneapolis newspaper - a smile for your day....

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER:
8-years old. Hateful little ba***rd. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES:
Mother, AKC German Shepherd..
Father, Super Dog..able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG:
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK:
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES:
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE :
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Vat Da Hell, Ole ?

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road... ..

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'. 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'..

'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?


















--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Ken]

Why I fired my Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,

she barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,

I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered..

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.

We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,' Boss, if you don't mind,I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ....

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing

'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch...

Naked.

[Ken]

MY ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce
started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final,
later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury
in the aircraft she was piloting.

Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton
because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a
single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while
only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating)..

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on
board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent
of damage to her aircraft.

She was really lucky.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.


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[2dumb2kwit]

I got this off another.......ummmm......I'm not the one who made this up.


Government Instructions Confusing

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One must be very careful when following government instructions because sometimes they can be confusing. For example:

The inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S.Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv." -- until the agency received the following letter from an unhappy camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week, I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible."

The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service." ]

[Ken]

I got this off another.......ummmm......I'm not the one who made this up.

SARGE! RICK! CRASH! He was gonna' say 'ANOTHER FORUM'! That's what he was going to say. He almost slipped and barely caught himself. Clearly, sanctions are warranted. Rick, lemme' borrow your BAN BUTTON for a second.........