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Thread: Joke of the day.

  1. #21

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    Never , ever tick off a nurse


    A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

    The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

    "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

    After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

    She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

    After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

    "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

    Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

    After a pause, the doctor confessed.....

    "Not with a carnation."


    LOL


  2. #22
    Tracker Beo's Avatar
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    Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.
    How's that lol.... now that's funny... lol...
    There is no greater solitude than that of the Tracker in the forest, unless perhaps it's that of the wolf in the wilderness.

  3. #23
    missing in action trax's Avatar
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    Oh yeah, she's gonna fit right in, good one TrappinGal.
    some fella confronted me the other day and asked "What's your problem?" So I told him, "I don't have a problem I am a problem"

  4. #24

    Default Picture of a man with only seconds to live

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    i hate to admit it, but even i had to laugh out loud on this one.
    Last edited by TrappinGal; 07-10-2008 at 03:54 PM. Reason: typo

  5. #25

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    The Tax Man.

    At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
    "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

    "Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

    "Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

    "Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

    "I see!" replied th e auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

    "Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete _______." LOL

  6. #26
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

    Man: 'What sins?'

    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

    Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

  7. #27
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
    Can't Means Won't

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  8. #28
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower !

    In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.



    The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison ....

  9. #29
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    Default Lawyers and Light Bulbs

    HOW MANY LAWYERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
    A. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." .....the end
    Last edited by Ridge Wolf; 07-23-2008 at 02:10 AM.

  10. #30
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    Default Psychological Studies of Men in Public Restrooms

    I cleaned this up a little... kids on here ya know.

    PSYCHOLOGICAL STUDIES OF MEN IN PUBLIC RESTROOMS
    You may expect to find one or more of the following behaviors in a men's room at any time.
    1. EXCITABLE: shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
    2. SOCIABLE: joins friends in a piss whether he has to or not.
    3. CROSSEYED: looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is hung.
    4. TIMID: cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.
    5. INDIFFERENT: all urinals being used, pisses in sink.
    6. CLEVER: no hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.
    7. WORRIED: not sure where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
    8. PLAYFUL: plays stream up. down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
    9. ABSENT MINDED: opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
    10. CHILDISH: pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
    11. SNEAK: farts silently when pissing, acts very innocent, knows man at next stall will get blamed.
    12. PATIENT: stands very close for a long time while waiting, reads with free hand.
    13. DESPARATE: waits in long line, legs crossed, pisses in pants.
    14. TOUGH: bangs d*** on side of urinal to dry it.
    15. EFFICIENT: wait til he has to s***, then does both.
    16. FAT: backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
    17. Little: Stands on box.
    18. Drunk: holds left thumb in right hand. Pisses in pants.
    19. DISGRUNTLED: stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
    20. CONCEITED: holds two-inch d*** like a baseball bat.

  11. #31
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    Speeding in Indiana:


    1) Good:
    A Greenwood,IN policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'. The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' . . . and a bucket full of money. (And we kids used to just sell lemonade!)

    2) Better:
    A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post on I-65 in Indiana. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

    3) Absolute Best:
    A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Indiana State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.' He replied ' Indiana State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car
    Soular powered by the son.

    Nell, MLT (ASCP)

  12. #32
    "sorry backside" rebel's Avatar
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    That's funny!

  13. #33
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Hey speaking of ....... where's Beo? (JK Beo )
    Can't Means Won't

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  14. #34
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    Default Moose huntin'

    For all you moose hunters out there

    snq080723.jpg

  15. #35
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    Indiana State Troopers don't have balls eh..

    Never underestimate Nells sense of humor... it's a killer! LMAO!

  16. #36
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

    1. A day without sunshine is like night.

    2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

    3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.


    5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.


    6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

    7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets

    the cheese in the trap.

    9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

    10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

    12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

    13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

    14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

    17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

    18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

    20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

    21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,

    'What the heck happened?'

    22. Just remember - - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

    23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear

    bright until you hear them speak.

    24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.

    What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
    Soular powered by the son.

    Nell, MLT (ASCP)

  17. #37
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    I can really relate to #21 LOL.
    Can't Means Won't

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  18. #38
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

    The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

    The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

    The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

    The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

    The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

    And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, '"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

    "Only when he's been drinking."

  19. #39
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Dear Dad,

    $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

    With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

    Love, Your $on.

    ___________________

    Reply from dad...
    Dear Son,

    I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
    Can't Means Won't

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  20. #40
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    A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

    The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

    "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

    "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

    "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

    The man below says, "You must be in management."

    "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

    "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
    "A person is not finished when they are defeated.
    A person is finished when they quit."

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