Joke of the day.

[RunsWithDeer]

A downhearted young hunter just got back into the big city after a weekend in the woods with no meat to be brought home for his family.

Walking the city streets he happened upon a bottle in a dirty gutter and he picked it up and rubbed it. A Genie appeared...

She told the young hunter he had three wishes she could grant him but with one catch.... For each one of his wishes every lawyer in the world got two or double what he wished for.... He agreed.

My first wish is for a big ole buck to take home to my family. Every lawyer in the world got two.

My second wish is one million dollars and so each lawyer's bank account was credited with two million dollars.

My third wish is.... Ummmm.. Well I have always wanted to donate a kidney.

[crashdive123]

My third wish is.... Ummmm.. Well I have always wanted to donate a kidney.

Thought you were going to say - now beat me half to death.

[Ken]

A downhearted young hunter just got back into the big city after a weekend in the woods with no meat to be brought home for his family.

Walking the city streets he happened upon a bottle in a dirty gutter and he picked it up and rubbed it. A Genie appeared...

She told the young hunter he had three wishes she could grant him but with one catch.... For each one of his wishes every lawyer in the world got two or double what he wished for.... He agreed.

My first wish is for a big ole buck to take home to my family. Every lawyer in the world got two.

My second wish is one million dollars and so each lawyer's bank account was credited with two million dollars.

My third wish is.... Ummmm.. Well I have always wanted to donate a kidney.

[Ken]

About RunsWithDeer

Location
Deep South, Michigan

Interests
hunting, fishing, farming

Occupation
Machine design consultant

The RWD Seal of Approval:

[tennecedar]

MOTHER IN LAW
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother- in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non- antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"

[tennecedar]

ROAD SIGN
A farmer lived on a quiet, rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. It became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about these drivers."

So the next day the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later, the farmer again called the sheriff and said, "That sign didn't help a bit. They are still hitting my chickens."

So the next day, the county put up a sign that said: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

Again, no change. So the farmer called and called, every day for three weeks.

Finally, he told the sheriff, "Look, your signs are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, let's see if yours works better." He was willing to agree to anything to get him to stop those daily calls.

Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer. After three weeks, he decided to call the farmer and see how things were going. "Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go have a look at that sign. There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was on a whole sheet of plywood. Written in large, yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

[RunsWithDeer]

I love lawyer jokes, both of my wife's brothers are lawyers. I send them to them all the time. One is the county DA, the other works for a fortune 500 company as a corporate lawyer.

[RunsWithDeer]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - Your're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineers is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer "So, how's it going down there in hell?". Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You/ve got an engineer? That's a mistake, - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having a engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[RunsWithDeer]

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Austin that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!'

'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young cowboy says. 'I'll get him in the course.'

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father asks.

'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!'

'Read!' says his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'

'Dad, 'the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that dog before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer!

[RunsWithDeer]

An email from Ireland to all of their brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:

'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run !

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship !!

What in God's name are ya lads thinkin over in the colonies !

[Alpine_Sapper]

An email from Ireland to all of their brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:

'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run !

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship !!

What in God's name are ya lads thinkin over in the colonies !

roflmao. *wipes tear* Thanks. I needed to hear that. This was all I kept hearing during the elction; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EADUQWKoVek
(it's a joke to me. a tragic one, but still...I love the rythem. Every time he opens his mouth though I just wanna slug him.)

[Ken]

both of my wife's brothers are lawyers.

I won't hold you against them.

[Alpine_Sapper]

I hope this is PG-13 enough. it IS a commercial that is being aired in the UK, nation wide, I think.
http://www.divinecaroline.com/ext/vi...id=18432400001

[Pal334]

Which group are you?

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,

screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds

before he reaches you and your family.

Group ones answer

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1 ?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

Group twos answer

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.... (sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'

Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist!'

[Pal334]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Sherwood, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' Sam said. 'And every
now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
---------------------------------------------------------- -

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
----------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I
passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least
ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered
buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think? Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
.................................................. .......................
The graveside service just barely finished,
when there was massive clap of thunder,
followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[Pal334]

Guts or B***s.


There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

B***S - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the b***s to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.


Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.


Both result in death.

[crashdive123]

Star Struck Bushwacker's Sixteen Steps to Building a Campfire
1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)
6. Light Match
7. Light Match
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.

[Alpine_Sapper]

Which group are you?


Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'

Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist!'

roflmfao...

[Sarge47]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"For reading a book?" she replies.

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you!" sputters the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, ma'am," he says, and leaves.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[Sarge47]

Star Struck Bushwacker's Sixteen Steps to Building a Campfire
1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)
6. Light Match
7. Light Match
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.

After getting fire started after the thunderstorm has passed, calls 911 for the fire dept. as forgot to clear fire area 1st!