Joke of the day.

[Ken]

For the rest of what?

It's my energy levels. Nobody can keep up with me.

[Ken]

Tom died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah, a lawyer, turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Tom would be pleased,' she said.

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?'

'All of it,' said Sarah. 'Forty thousand.'

'No!' Jody exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'

Sarah answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. Whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'

Jody computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? My gosh, how big is it?'

'Four and a half carats.'

[Pal334]

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No,"
but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.


"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.


Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Ken]

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to
work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine
man.

The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.' With that said, he throws a white
powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, 'This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'

The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?'

The medicine man replies, 'When your partner can take no more sex,
all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down.
But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year.'

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says '123' and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say '123 for?"

[SnipAR-10]

Guess I have three:
First: This actually happened to a Highway Patrolman in CA where I used to live.
Officer sees a man driving erratically and pulls him over.
Officer walks up to vehicles window. Man rolls window down.
Officer notices alcohol smell, Says to man, "Sir, you're eyes look red, have you been drinking"?
Drunk replies, "Well yours look glazed, you been eatin' donuts"?

Second:
A frail old woman is having a birthday party, her one hundred and second. She is of sound mind, but has lost her power of speech. She is surrounded by lots of family members, decorations, food, and of course the cake. It was a large meal by any standard. The main courses were finished and they had moved on to dessert. After the candles were blown out, with a little help from the family, she started to slump over to her right side in her chair. Her son placed a pillow on that side to hold her up. Shortly afterward, she slumped to her left, and another son put a second pillow on that side. A bit after that, a very young boy walked up and said, "Hi great gramma, how are you today"? She took her paper and pencil, and wrote a little note that said, "They won't let me fart".

Third:
A man is invited to dinner with his girlfriends family. As he is sitting there he feels a need to break wind. He tries very hard to hold it in... and a tiny fart excapes.. "poot". The girlfriend's mom looks at the tiny dog lying under the mans chair and says, "Spot!". The man thinks.. "Whew, she thought it was the dog". Time passes(smirk). A little later, he gets the urge again, tries to hold it and fails a second time. He's pretty nervous, and her mother looks at the little dog and says, "SPOT" louder this time. He's relived that yet again she blamed the dog. Finally, feeling that he has carte blanche he confidently rips one off. Her mother looks at the dog and says, "SPOT!, get over here before that man $*i%s on you"!

[Ken]

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks -
"W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

[RunsWithDeer]

New Lawyer

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.

What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."

[RunsWithDeer]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten
million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first
place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might
have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is.

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and
says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell
him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger."

[RunsWithDeer]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer and is
certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself
and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says,"License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's
the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and
stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the
deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out
of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?

[RunsWithDeer]

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun.

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, you ask me one and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air-phone, he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes her up and asks. "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep, with a smile on her face.

[RunsWithDeer]

A Massachusetts lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom.

The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[Ken]

Two Engineers agree to paint a flag pole. Of course they need to know how tall it is so they can purchase the paint. One shimmies up the pole with a tape measure and falls after reaching about half way. While trying to figure out how they can possibly measure the pole along comes a Designer. After asking what they're doing he replies, "that s easy". He then reaches around the pole and pulls it out of the ground and lays it down. "There you go", he said as he walked away. The two Engineers look at each other and one said "that stupid guy will never get anywhere, we don't need to know how wide it is, just how tall".

[Ken]

ENGINEERS & GUILLOTINES

During the French Revolution, three professionals were arrested and convicted of having bourgeois values. They were a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. They were to be led to the guillotine one by one. The crowd was roaring with anticipated pleasure. First up was the doctor. How dare he enrich himself through other people's illnesses? Access to basic health care is a right, right? The doctor was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. The blade started on its massive, implacable way down. And lurched to a stop. The official in charge declared that it would be inhumane to make the doctor suffer this way more than once, so he was setting the doctor free. The crowd howled. The executioner checked his equipment. All was in order. He put a small tree branch in, and successfully lopped it in half. He re-sharpened the blade. Next up was the lawyer. Who needs an excuse to wish such a lying, cheating scoundrel dead? The crowd was thunderous in its applause. The lawyer was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. Again, the blade stopped part-way down! The presiding official once again said that he would set this prisoner free because of the unusual circumstances. The crowd screamed in frustration. Now came the engineer, a man whose innovations and devices were costing jobs. The crowd fell silent. The executioner checked and re-checked his equipment. As the engineer was marched up to the guillotine, he looked carefully at it, and said, "Wait. I see your problem...."

[Ken]

TOP 20 ENGINEERS' TERMINOLOGIES

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.

2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.

9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.

15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!

17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.

18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.

19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.

20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

[Ken]

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well'" replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes and says, "You can have ANYTHING you want." "Good choice," says the first, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

[Ken]

Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

[Ken]

RWD! Congratulations on the new job! Ten minutes ago, you were an Engineer". Now, your a "Machine Design Consultant."

Uhhhh, what's the difference?

[Ken]

Consultant Top 10 Lists:

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from a Consultant

1. You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
2. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".
3. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
4. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
5. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
6. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
7. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
8. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
9. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
10. Everything looks okay to me.

[Ken]

Consultant Jokes

A consultant is someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time, and then keeps your watch.


A consultant's credo: Learn to be sincere even if you have to fake it.


A consultant is someone who comes in to solve a problem and stays around long enough to become part of it.


One consultant, told he was a pain in the neck, said he was glad to have been moved up.


Please don't tell my mother I'm a consultant. She thinks I play guitar in a strip joint.


If you see a consultant on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

[RunsWithDeer]

RWD! Congratulations on the new job! Ten minutes ago, you were an Engineer". Now, your a "Machine Design Consultant."

Uhhhh, what's the difference?

LMAO

I see you were taking the lawyer jokes personally and started an attack on engineers, I figured it was targeted at me, so to test my theory I updated my profile. I was correct in your responses.

My degree is in Mechanical Engineering, my specific current role is in a central role working with 32 factories on coming up with equipment design improvements.

Didn't mean to make you mad, really. Jokes are jokes, my intent was not to upset you.