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Thread: Joke of the day.

  1. #221
    Quality Control Director Ken's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sarge47 View Post
    In honor of Ken here's a couple of lawyer jokes that you might all enjoy, I wrote the 2nd one myself.
    I see. Rick's sobering up somewhere off-line, so now YOU gotta' start?

    There's only one of you three left that I haven't heard from today. He's on-line now, too. Why not make it a triple-play?
    “Learning is not compulsory. Neither is survival.”
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    "Live free or die: Death is not the worst of evils."
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  2. #222
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    In an effort to fufill the requests of forum members (it should be noted that this practice is not an "on demand" service) here goes.

    Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

    They were still arguing when the train hit them.
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  3. #223
    Wolverine RunsWithDeer's Avatar
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    Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
    The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

  4. #224
    Wolverine RunsWithDeer's Avatar
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    Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
    A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.

  5. #225
    Wolverine RunsWithDeer's Avatar
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    If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

  6. #226
    Wolverine RunsWithDeer's Avatar
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    One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven.
    St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.
    To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
    The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.
    Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"
    The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."
    St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"

  7. #227
    Wolverine RunsWithDeer's Avatar
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    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
    His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
    "But why?" asks the man.
    "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

  8. #228
    Quality Control Director Ken's Avatar
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    MEMBER ADVICE REQUESTED:

    Quote Originally Posted by Rick View Post

    Dear Forum Members:

    Please advise. I am a Super Moderator and I attended a conference on writing motivational survival treads. I hoped to help Forum members change their behaviors and reduce their survival risk factors.

    I decided to test the motivational posting method one morning on my hotel suite maid with the phase one question...

    Zelda, what do you think of the idea of having a threesome?

    I learned that such a question should not be asked when your maid is taking knives out of the dishwasher.

    That afternoon, after my stitches had been completed, I figured the time was right for the phase two question. I waited until after Zelda had finished vacuuming, hoping that she would be more agreeable, and then I asked...

    Zelda, if you decided to try a threesome with me, could you see any advantages for improving your sex life?

    I learned that such a question should not be asked when your maid has a heavy appliance at hand.

    I was surprised that my maid was very nice to me after my second discharge from the hospital. She must have been feeling guilty about fracturing my skull. The time was right for the phase three question...

    Zelda, if you decided to have a threesome do you think you could do it?

    I could not believe her response. She told me that she had contacted an escort service and that my question would be answered that same evening. Later, she led me to my hotel room bed. She took off all my clothes, she blindfolded me and she tied my four limbs to the bed posts. Then, I waited in anticipation until I heard a knock on the door. Soon after I could feel four hands massaging my back. It felt wonderful.

    Then Zelda slowly removed my blindfold and I saw that we were in bed with another man! She then asked me...

    Ken, do you see any advantages of using K-Y Jelly when you are tied face down on the bed for a threesome?

    What should my answer have been?
    Forum Members Reply In Unison: 'Your answer was "No," wasn't it?"
    Last edited by Ken; 03-15-2009 at 06:23 PM. Reason: Just following the Super Moderator Code
    “Learning is not compulsory. Neither is survival.”
    W. Edwards Deming

    "Live free or die: Death is not the worst of evils."
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  9. #229
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool Hmmm.....

    Quote Originally Posted by Ken View Post
    MEMBER ADVICE REQUESTED:
    Your answer was "No," wasn't it?
    Never knew that Hotel suites were equipped with dishwashers, I thought all of the dirty dishes went with room service back down to the main kitchen.
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
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    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
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  10. #230
    Quality Control Director Ken's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sarge47 View Post
    Never knew that Hotel suites were equipped with dishwashers, I thought all of the dirty dishes went with room service back down to the main kitchen.
    Look, Sarge, I plagerized this joke, OKAY? I substituted the word "maid" for another word in the original joke. I also changed the location where events took place. No need to involve other family members here.......... Besides, I like it here. (Mumbles to himself: The only one who hasn't picked on me yet today is Crash." Makes mental note to check back on thread to see if he gets any sympathy.)

    Actually, some suites I've been in DO have dishwashers in the kitchen.
    Last edited by Ken; 03-15-2009 at 05:35 PM.
    “Learning is not compulsory. Neither is survival.”
    W. Edwards Deming

    "Live free or die: Death is not the worst of evils."
    General John Stark

  11. #231
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Nice. Real nice. I'm the ONLY one that DIDN'T post a lawyer joke and you go after me. Okay.
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

  12. #232
    Quality Control Director Ken's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rick View Post
    Nice. Real nice. I'm the ONLY one that DIDN'T post a lawyer joke and you go after me. Okay.
    Did you forget about today's post #40 here? http://www.wilderness-survival.net/f...?t=3153&page=2 My feelings were so terribly hurt..........
    “Learning is not compulsory. Neither is survival.”
    W. Edwards Deming

    "Live free or die: Death is not the worst of evils."
    General John Stark

  13. #233
    Quality Control Director Ken's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by crashdive123 View Post
    In an effort to fufill the requests of forum members (it should be noted that this practice is not an "on demand" service) here goes.

    Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

    They were still arguing when the train hit them.
    Et tu, Brute? Shakespeare
    “Learning is not compulsory. Neither is survival.”
    W. Edwards Deming

    "Live free or die: Death is not the worst of evils."
    General John Stark

  14. #234
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Just trying to comply with your request.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ken View Post
    I see. Rick's sobering up somewhere off-line, so now YOU gotta' start?

    There's only one of you three left that I haven't heard from today. He's on-line now, too. Why not make it a triple-play?
    By the way, where was the conference you attended?
    Can't Means Won't

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  15. #235
    Quality Control Director Ken's Avatar
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    Default Super Moderator Abuses Power!!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by crashdive123 View Post
    Just trying to comply with your request.



    By the way, where was the conference you attended?
    YOU DOG!!! You changed the source of my quote from "Rick" to "Ken!" Super Moderators can do THAT too, huh? (Ahh, but I changed it back again - this game could go on forever...) Talk about an abuse of power!!! Look, I'm the ONLY one here who's supposed to mess with quoted posts, got it?

    Man! Those three stick together!
    Last edited by Ken; 03-15-2009 at 06:12 PM.
    “Learning is not compulsory. Neither is survival.”
    W. Edwards Deming

    "Live free or die: Death is not the worst of evils."
    General John Stark

  16. #236
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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  17. #237
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Ahh, but I changed it back again - this game could go on forever...
    That's true, but can you do this? (he says as he closes thread).....just kidding - thread's open.
    Last edited by crashdive123; 03-15-2009 at 06:17 PM.
    Can't Means Won't

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  18. #238
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Wait until we make him disappear for 10 days. Chuckle. Even his girlfriend won't know where he is.
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

  19. #239
    Quality Control Director Ken's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rick View Post
    Wait until we make him disappear for 10 days. Chuckle. Even his girlfriend won't know where he is.
    And she may thank you for the rest ........
    “Learning is not compulsory. Neither is survival.”
    W. Edwards Deming

    "Live free or die: Death is not the worst of evils."
    General John Stark

  20. #240
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    For the rest of what?
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

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