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Thread: Joke of the day.

  1. #2061
    Senior Member alaskabushman's Avatar
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    Having been a maintenance man for several years myself...the struggle is real.
    There ain't too many problems you can't fix with $500 or a 30-06.

    Him-"Whats the best knife for survival?"
    Me-"the one that's in your pocket."
    Him-"I don't have one in my pocket."
    Me-"Exactly."


  2. #2062
    Senior Member WalkingTree's Avatar
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    The pessimist complains about the wind;
    The optimist expects it to change;
    The realist adjusts the sails.

    - William Arthur Ward

  3. #2063
    Senior Member hunter63's Avatar
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    Don't know if this a joke or real advice......But have to agree...

    > TOAST WITH A GLASS OF WINE
    >
    > TO MY FRIENDS WHO ENJOY A GLASS OF WINE AND THOSE WHO DON'T AND
    > ARE ALWAYS SEEN WITH A BOTTLE OF WATER IN THEIR HAND:
    >
    > AS BEN FRANKLIN SAID: IN WINE THERE IS WISDOM, IN BEER THERE IS
    > FREEDOM, IN WATER THERE IS BACTERIA.
    >
    > IN A NUMBER OF CAREFULLY CONTROLLED TRIALS, SCIENTISTS HAVE
    > DEMONSTRATED THAT IF WE DRINK 1 LITER OF WATER EACH DAY, AT THE END OF
    > THE YEAR WE WOULD HAVE ABSORBED MORE THAN 1 KILO OF ESCHERICHIA COLI,
    > (E. COLI) - BACTERIA FOUND IN FECES. IN OTHER WORDS, WE ARE CONSUMING
    > 1 KILO OF POOP ANNUALLY.
    >
    > HOWEVER, WE DO NOT RUN THAT RISK WHEN DRINKING WINE & BEER (OR RUM,
    > WHISKEY OR OTHER LIQUOR) BECAUSE ALCOHOL HAS TO GO THROUGH A
    > PURIFICATION PROCESS OF BOILING, FILTERING AND FERMENTING.
    >
    > REMEMBER: WATER = POOP, WINE = HEALTH. THEREFORE, IT'S BETTER TO
    > DRINK WINE AND TALK STUPID THAN TO DRINK WATER AND BE FULL OF SHIP.
    Geezer Squad....Charter Member #1
    Evoking the 50 year old rule...
    First 50 years...worried about the small stuff...second 50 years....Not so much
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  4. #2064
    Senior Member alaskabushman's Avatar
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    I couldn't help myself.
    There ain't too many problems you can't fix with $500 or a 30-06.

    Him-"Whats the best knife for survival?"
    Me-"the one that's in your pocket."
    Him-"I don't have one in my pocket."
    Me-"Exactly."

  5. #2065
    Senior Member hunter63's Avatar
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    I called an old college buddy and asked what he was doing.

    He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics,
    aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."

    I was impressed...
    Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.
    Geezer Squad....Charter Member #1
    Evoking the 50 year old rule...
    First 50 years...worried about the small stuff...second 50 years....Not so much
    Member Wahoo Killer knives club....#27

  6. #2066
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Can't Means Won't

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  7. #2067
    Resident Wildman Wildthang's Avatar
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    What do you get when you mix Rogain and Viagra?

    Paige down!




    Wait for it!





    You know you want to know!





    It's kinda funny!






    Here we go!







    Answer: Don King hair!
    Sir Knife Collectin, Rocket Ridin, Girl Crazy Post
    Hoe of WSF

  8. #2068
    Senior Member hunter63's Avatar
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    Geezer Squad....Charter Member #1
    Evoking the 50 year old rule...
    First 50 years...worried about the small stuff...second 50 years....Not so much
    Member Wahoo Killer knives club....#27

  9. #2069
    Senior Member WalkingTree's Avatar
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    This is my hair. I do what I want with this hair. I wash this hair, I brush this hair. I mess this hair up if I want to mess this hair up.
    The pessimist complains about the wind;
    The optimist expects it to change;
    The realist adjusts the sails.

    - William Arthur Ward

  10. #2070
    Grubbin fer food Durtyoleman's Avatar
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    A giant rabbit died on a United flight.
    One man is suspected of foul play.
    We tried to reach him for comment but he's being vewy vewy qwiet.

  11. #2071
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the heck was that all about?’

  12. #2072
    Senior Member Wise Old Owl's Avatar
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    Was he delivering Snail Mail?
    “There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn’t an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag … We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language … and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”

    Theodore Roosevelt 1907

  13. #2073
    Senior Member Wise Old Owl's Avatar
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    “There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn’t an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag … We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language … and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”

    Theodore Roosevelt 1907

  14. #2074
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

    Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us”. Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Georgia ."

    They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.99, 100 of them there shirts at $1.99, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.39. I'll back up my pickup and....."

    "The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Georgia, ain't ya?"

    "Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come ya'll knowed that?"

    "Because this is a Dry-Cleaners."
    Can't Means Won't

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  15. #2075
    Senior Member WalkingTree's Avatar
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    The pessimist complains about the wind;
    The optimist expects it to change;
    The realist adjusts the sails.

    - William Arthur Ward

  16. #2076
    Grubbin fer food Durtyoleman's Avatar
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    My wife wanted to role-play "doctor and patient"
    But things went south very quickly when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietician..."

  17. #2077
    Senior Member hunter63's Avatar
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    Geezer Squad....Charter Member #1
    Evoking the 50 year old rule...
    First 50 years...worried about the small stuff...second 50 years....Not so much
    Member Wahoo Killer knives club....#27

  18. #2078
    Grubbin fer food Durtyoleman's Avatar
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    Four guys, Jim, Gary, Bob, and John went camping and they had two tents to share. The second morning Gary was still asleep as the other three were gathered at the fire drinking coffee. The two men looked at Jim and said he looked terrible. Jim said, "Gary was snoring and tossing and talking in his sleep...I didn't get five minutes of sleep." He managed to talk Bob into swapping tents with him that night. The following morning Bob was already at the campfire with coffee made as the men awakened and again Gary slept in. He too looked horrible and complained about Gary's horrible night habits. After some arguing and threats John agreed to take a night in that tent. The following morning the men awoke to see Gary looking miserable at the fire and John looking fresh as a daisy. They pulled him aside and asked what happened how he managed to get any sleep ... He replied, I crawled into the tent beside Gary and kissed his cheek, slapped his butt, And HE stayed up all night watching me sleep.
    Last edited by Durtyoleman; 06-15-2017 at 09:50 AM. Reason: modified for word censored

  19. #2079
    Senior Member BENESSE's Avatar
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    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
    The priest said, 'What do you mean almost?'
    The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
    The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
    The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.'


  20. #2080

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