Joke of the day.

[Sarge47]

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down." They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. She's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized she was right.
The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my wife: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard her voice. "Are you kidding me?" She barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
Welcome to the golden years...

[Sarge47]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single, and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."....

[crashdive123]

So you want to play soccer?

[Rick]

I have no idea how they did that but that was hilarious.

[crashdive123]

It has already started at Dick's Sporting Goods.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little more clear. I still don't think I looked that bad.

[Rick]

No ship. Right after 911 I was preparing to board a flight and was passing through security. The woman said undo your belt. Now, you know how bad my hearing is and I know how bad my hearing is so I figured I was either complying or about to get arrested. As it turned out my belt buckle was tripping the metal detector. Whew!

[hunter63]

That was funny.......Bohahahahaha

[hunter63]

It has already started at Dick's Sporting Goods.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little more clear. I still don't think I looked that bad.

I guess the reason they don't have TP in those little room.....they called them...."Fitting rooms'?

[crashdive123]

Yeah, but I get some really interesting reactions when I reach under the dressing room wall and ask if they can spare some toilet paper.

[natertot]

I went to the hardware store the other day to get a few things. When I went to check out, it was apparent that the young lady was new and recently allowed to work the register on her own with a more seasoned employee readily available if she needed help. I placed the items on the counter to make my purchase. One of the items was denatured alcohol and she accidently rang up ten of them. I looked at her with the straightest face I could muster and said, "Ma'am, I don't need to drink that much". The look she gave me was priceless. She then consulted her trainer for a few minutes. I would have loved to have heard that conversation!

Another time and place I bought only two items. It was a toilet bowl brush and a tube of toothpaste. I could tell the cashier wanted to ask.......

[hunter63]

....Or buy a bag of potting soil.....and an Anniversary Card.....tell the lady that 21 years is for dirt......Every one in line will start looking at the little card in their wallet.......25 years silver, 50 years gold..........21 years dirt

[MrFixIt]

Went down to the local Racetrak store the other day to pick up a 6 pack. Placed my goods on the counter and the young lady asked me for my ID.
I looked at her and asked why. She said we have to ID everybody. Now, mind you, I'm obviously over 21, but can understand if I was close to the age and being asked.
I told the girl I was old enough to be her father, and that maybe some common sense should prevail. The manager steps over and asks what's the problem. I tell her that I'm being carded and didn't understand why since I'm obviously well over 21.
She said it was company policy to ID everyone for alcohol and tobacco products.
I shrugged, pulled out my license, paid the girl and proceeded to leave.
The young clerk told me she was sorry, and that her daddy drank the same brand, winked and smiled at me.
Guess where I'm going when I get off from work...

[Rick]

Where??????

[crashdive123]

Yeah, where?

[Sarge47]

A precious little girl walks into a Pet store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

[MrFixIt]

Where??????

Yeah, where?

I just went home.

[crashdive123]

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[Sarge47]

A cop stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in explicit offensive terms.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and
when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know
what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're
an azzhole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record
with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and
mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for azzhole?"
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?....

[Sarge47]

The story of the Three Pigs.
Once upon a time their were 3 pigs.
They lived at home with their mother since their dad was such a boar. One day their mom came home in a bad mood. It seems she received a porking ticket while working at the Piggly Wiggly.
"From now on, I'm going to stop bringing home the bacon and start getting it around here". She was such a ham. Money was tight, since their mom opted for a pignuptial agreement, so the 3 pigs moved out on their own.
The first pig built his house out of straw and was looking for some oinkment to put on his sty, when he heard a knock at the door. "Who is it"? It was the wolf, but the pig couldn't understand him. He always wanted to be a movie actor and star in Hamlet . . . but Kevin Bacon got the job. Finally, the wolf blew the house down and the first pig got out the door.
He ran to the second pig's house made out of sticks, an environmentalist's nightmare. The second pig was always in trouble . . . going to pignics and running his Harley Hog through the middle and pulling the girl's pig tails. He is now a politician and that is where we get pork barrel legislation from. While playing with their ham radios, a knock could be heard at the door. "Who is it".said the first pig? But they couldn't understand the wolf. The second pig was disgruntled, so he wasn't able to speak. Suddenly, the wolf blew the house down.
The 2 pigs ran to the third pig's house. The first pig got a hamstring, so the second pig gave him a piggyback ride. The third pig built his house out of brick. He was looking for resale value, and was very wealthy from his mud wrestling career. The pigs watched tv and saw Pygmalion, Silence of the Hams and Pork and Mindy.
There was a knock at the door. The 3 pigs could not understand the wolf. Then the wolf started speaking pig latin and said, "Dominos". The third pig opened the door and quickly inspected the Pizza for sausage , ham or bacon. He looked up, saw the wolf, and ran upstairs to dial swine one one.
The police arrived and arrested the wolf for trespassing. Mama pig came over and read them their favorite story, this little human went to market, this little human stayed home, etc. and as she was leaving looked over and said, " Look at that, pigs in a blanket"!...

[Sarge47]

"TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE A BAD DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA"
10. After shouting "Merry Christmas!" he gets a hacking cough and has to lay down for awhile.
9. He keeps trying to get the kids' mothers to sit on his lap.
8. Instead of "Ho, ho, ho!" he says "Yeah, whatever."
7. He keeps playing grab azz with the elf helpers.
6. After the kids mention the toys they want, he asks them "How much you got on you?"
5. During his lunch break, he flips through the Victoria's Secret catalogue.
4. He smells like a nursing home disinfectant.
3. He keeps taking frequent breaks to check in with his parole officer.
2. His Santa outfit doesn't include pants.
And the #1 Sign You Have A Bad Department Store Santa
1. It’s Charlie Sheen....