Joke of the day.

[Alpine_Sapper]

They tell us that all of the following actually appeared in real church bulletins. We wouldn't be surprised.

* The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

* The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell ' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

* Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

* Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin .

* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

[crashdive123]

Norman and his blonde wife live in Fargo.

One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”

Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later, while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today, you must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”

So, Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car.

The next week they are having breakfast again and the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 -12 inches of snow today, you must park…” and then the electricity goes out in the middle of the sentence.

Norman’s wife says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do…”

Norman says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time.”

[chiye tanka]

Crash, you sure that wasn't Seabrook, NH?

[crashdive123]

BIKER CHILI
A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy bar in Sturgis, SD.

He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded,
staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After a few minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely
asks the old biker, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup
and says, "Nah, you go ahead.”

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides
the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the
chili. The sight was very shocking, and he immediately barfed up the chili back
into the bowl

The old biker says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too”

[MatthewnOK]

BIKER CHILI
A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy bar in Sturgis, SD.

He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded,
staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After a few minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely
asks the old biker, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup
and says, "Nah, you go ahead.”

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides
the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the
chili. The sight was very shocking, and he immediately barfed up the chili back
into the bowl

The old biker says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too”

Snort! Chuckle! Gag! I don't care who you are that's funny. Bless them little pygmies!

[flandersander]

HAHAHAHAHA! Thats freakin hilarious

[RunsWithDeer]

That one made me spit up my coffee. lol

[nell67]

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year my neighbor replaced all the windows in her house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, she got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and she still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloo oo,she told him...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, she told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told her last year,
that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year, she told him!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so she finally just hung up.

He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

[crashdive123]

[laughing beetle]

[grundle]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

[grundle]

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days.

"Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store.

The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino.

Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing.

"Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.

"Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty.

"Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-****ing-believable!"

[crashdive123]

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[tsitenha]

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, “What’ll you have?”

The seal replies, “Anything but Canadian Club.”

[Dennis K.]

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, “What’ll you have?”

The seal replies, “Anything but Canadian Club.”

***guffaw****

So, a Scotch & Drambuie walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey there's a drink named after you!"
The drink says "Why would anybody name a drink 'Steve'? "

[Ken]

A man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, and he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man, and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Massachusetts."

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Bastard Kills Family Pet."

[Ken]

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.

The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00."

[Dennis K.]

Three blondes walk into a bar. The first says to the bartender, "I'll take a BL!"

The bartender thinks for a minute. and thinks. and thinks...
He says "I give up. What's a BL?"

The first blonde says "A Buuuuuud Light!!!! duh!!!!"

The second blonde says (while clapping exuberantlty) "I'll take a CL! haha!!!!!"

The bartender thinks for a minute and says "got it! Coors Light?"

"Well, yeah. Duh!!"

The third blonde pipes up and says "I want a fifteen!!!!"

The barkeep says "A what?"

"You know!!!! a Fifteeeeeeeeen!!!"

The bartender thinks for a minute. and thinks. and thinks...
He says "I give up. What's a fifteen?"

"A Seven and Seven!!! duh!!!"

[Stairman]

The sheriff pulled up next to a guy unloading garbage out of his truck into the ditch.The sheriff asked,why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?dont you see that sign right over your head?...yep,he replied,thats why Im dumping it here cause it says Fine for dumping garbage!

[Sarge47]

In honor of Ken here's a couple of lawyer jokes that you might all enjoy, I wrote the 2nd one myself.

What's the difference between a Catfish & a lawyer? One's a "scum-sucking bottom-feeder"...the other one is a fish!

You've all heard what do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean...a good start! So what do you call 5000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? POLLUTION!