Joke of the day.

**crashdive123** · 09-04-2016, 08:23 PM

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say
'1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want. ?The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not
work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

Boys and girls, that is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

**hunter63** · 09-04-2016, 08:59 PM

Bhohahahahahaha.....
Now ain't that the truth......?

**hunter63** · 09-06-2016, 12:27 AM

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**hunter63** · 09-06-2016, 02:51 PM

My inspiration....You never know....

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**kyratshooter** · 09-07-2016, 02:43 AM

Did you ever drink so much your wife started making sense?

Me neither!

**Rick** · 09-07-2016, 05:29 AM

Oh, man. If you weren't like me you'd be in a lot of trouble right now.

**crashdive123** · 09-07-2016, 05:45 AM

Oh, he's in trouble alright. He's just going to have to wait a bit for the frying pan smack.

**kyratshooter** · 09-07-2016, 12:40 PM

Yep, I am pretty certain that when I reach the Pearly Gates St. Peter will not have much to say and just let me through.

Upon entry the wife will be waiting and I will get a "talking too"!

'specially for that last joke.

**M118LR** · 09-07-2016, 06:25 PM

I'll admit that I didn't go through all 102 pages. But I was wondering if Y'all heard that Walmart Greeter Mil Humor?

The Walmart Manager liked hiring Vets, put he had a particular problem with the Oldest Vet he had ever hired and assigned as a door greeter. The Old Guy was beyond reproach at customer service, could tell all the customers where everything in the store was located, every customer gave the Old Guy the highest score possible on every survey, BUT! The Old Guy was 15 minutes late every mourning.

As he had hired many Veterans the Manager knew he would need to counsel the Old Guy. He called him back into the Manger Office and regurgitated the problem. He new the Old Guy had done at least 30 years in the Navy and this 15 minutes late every day stuff wouldn't be tolerated no matter how good the Old Guy performed his duties. After the Old Guy explained that the 15 minutes in the mourning was a work in progress, the Manager wanted to know what it was that the Navy people would say to him if he was 15 minutes late!

The Old Guy deliberated over the Walmart Manger's direct question, pondered his measured response, the spoke softly. Usually if I was delayed 15 minutes in the mourning the Navy people I meet would ask, " Would you like coffee Admiral? "

**crashdive123** · 09-17-2016, 06:20 AM

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

(a masterpiece)

(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

**Fixit** · 10-28-2016, 06:33 AM

I was I Tractor Supply the other day and out n one of those moods . I picked up the stuff in needed and went to counter . The women behind the rung up the sale and as sometimes happen the computer ask her to ask for phone number white she did . My reply

Ah women ,first they check you out and then they ask for your phone number .

**crashdive123** · 10-28-2016, 09:09 PM

And her response? Or are you still recovering in ICU?

**Fixit** · 10-29-2016, 08:27 AM

Well I had chosen my victim carefully . She bit her lower lip trying not to laogh . The Kelly the manager stock her head around the corner with a grin . So what she said was " I only asked for the phone number because the computer told me to " . To which Kelly replied with "sure sure ".

**RangerXanatos** · 10-31-2016, 08:05 AM

I was in Harbor Freight and the new guy in training asked for my phone number and I told him I was happily married. He didn't get it but his trainer got a deep laugh.

**natertot** · 11-01-2016, 02:52 AM

I went into an ace hardware one time, needing denatured alcohol for a wood project. The girl was new and about college age with a more experienced cashier one register over keeping an eye out on her. When she ran up my can of denatured alcohol, she accidentally rang up a quantity of ten. I looked at her with the most serious look and said "I don't need to drink that much". The look on her face was priceless as she was wondering if she should be selling it or requesting ID!

**hunter63** · 11-01-2016, 10:22 AM

Several year ago...I was having problem at "The Place" our cabin...
It is located on a good size river, and form time to time we get a lot of beaver damage.

Large trees chewed thru dropped in to and across the river....to say nothing of small trees and branches chewed off in a seep area and dragged thru the corn to the river.

Looking for help I called the State of Wisconsin, Nuisance Animal Hot line.
Lady answered the phone....
"Can I help you?"
"Yes. I have a problem with beaver........."

Long silence.....

"You know the kind the swims in river and lakes?"
Pause...
Pause...
Pause...
"Can I put the call on speaker phone?"

I gonna guess the lady has many dull days........?

**Wildthang** · 11-01-2016, 01:08 PM

What was the most se*ually explicit thing ever said on television in the period from 1957 to 1963?

Want to know?

Are you ready?

Wait for it!!!

Answer: Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night!