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Thread: Joke of the day.

  1. #1521
    Senior Member Winter's Avatar
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    President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile, and I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"
    "Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
    "Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"
    Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
    "Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
    Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
    "And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
    "Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."
    President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
    "Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
    Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
    "I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
    Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."


    Never question the fortitude of country folk.
    I had a compass, but without a map, it's just a cool toy to show you where oceans and ice are.


  2. #1522
    Senior Member Sparky93's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Winter View Post
    President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile, and I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"
    "Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
    "Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"
    Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
    "Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
    Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
    "And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
    "Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."
    President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
    "Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
    Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
    "I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
    Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."


    Never question the fortitude of country folk.
    Good one winter, got to send it to Gramps. He'll get a kick out of this one!
    "Freedom had been hunted round the globe; reason was considered as rebellion; and the slavery of fear had made men afraid to think. But such is the irresistible nature of truth, that all it asks, and all it wants, is the liberty of appearing."
    Thomas Paine

    Minimalist Camping: Enjoy nature, don't be tortured by it. Take as little as you need to be safe and comfortable.

  3. #1523
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    So dad, how do you like the new iPad we got you?

    http://www.wimp.com/dadipad/

    I resemble this is ways I don't even care to discuss.

  4. #1524
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rick View Post
    So dad, how do you like the new iPad we got you?

    http://www.wimp.com/dadipad/

    I resemble this is ways I don't even care to discuss.
    Now that right there was funny. I don't care who you are.
    Can't Means Won't

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  5. #1525
    Senior Member 2dumb2kwit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rick View Post
    So dad, how do you like the new iPad we got you?

    http://www.wimp.com/dadipad/

    I resemble this is ways I don't even care to discuss.
    LOL....I gotta steal this one!
    Writer of wrongs.
    Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
    "Stop Global Whining"

  6. #1526
    Senior Member hunter63's Avatar
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    I don't get it??????





    (hehehehe)
    Survival isn't a game...it's what you do when the game goes sideways.

  7. #1527
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    COPPER WIRE DISCOVERED
    Having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles , California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

    One week later, a local newspaper in Waynesville, NC reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Crabtree, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, North Carolina had already gone wireless."

    Just makes a person proud to be from North Carolina.
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  8. #1528
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

  9. #1529
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    Best Blonde Joke
    Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
    One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
    They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
    An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing..
    So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
    The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'
    Last edited by Pal334; 03-27-2012 at 02:48 PM. Reason: editing post and copy
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  10. #1530
    Resident Wildman Wildthang's Avatar
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    A blonde called the fire department, and was yelling get over here now, my kitchen is on fire, I mean now! The dispatcher said mam we will be on our way in less than 2 minutes, but we need to know where to go and how to get there.
    Then she said, " Duh, the big red truck "

  11. #1531
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Wisdom I've gained the hard way.....

    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

    We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

    There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. The police are pretty good at explaining the difference.

    Never trust a guy on the street that asks, "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

    With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

    A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

    We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

    I asked God for a new car, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a car and asked for forgiveness.

    Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

  12. #1532
    Senior Member hunter63's Avatar
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    Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Chevy, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
    What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
    I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's *** and a car hit me.
    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.
    Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
    MORAL OF THE STORY: Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!
    Survival isn't a game...it's what you do when the game goes sideways.

  13. #1533
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
    Begin by sitting or standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
    With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
    Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
    Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I'm at this level.)
    After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  14. #1534
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    I hired a kid to do this for me and I'm telling you he is now in great shape.

  15. #1535
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Hope you had a great Easter!

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    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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  17. #1537
    Senior Member natertot's Avatar
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    Ben and Colin are two elderly gentlemen who live in New York State who love going fishing together. They decide to do some 'ice fishing'. Since neither have experienced it before, Ben suggests that going north into Canada might be a good idea and Colin agrees so off they go. On arrival they find the lake is frozen nicely.

    They stop just before they get to the lake at a little local bait shop and buy all their tackle. Colin comments, 'Hey, Ben, we're going to need an ice pick.'

    So they purchase that and stride to the lake. After about two hours, Colin returns to the bait shop saying, 'We're going to need another dozen ice picks.'

    The shopkeeper is surprised and wants to ask some questions, but he doesn't. He sells the fisherman the picks, and the old boy leaves.

    About an hour later hour, Ben arrives at the shop, 'We're going to need all the ice picks you've got.' The bait man can't stand it any longer. 'Say man,' he asks, 'how are you two fellows doing?'

    'Not very well at all,' mutters an irritated Ben, 'We haven't even got the boat in the water yet.'
    ”There's nothing glorious in dying. Anyone can do it.” ~Johnny Rotten

  18. #1538
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Here is a TRUE anecdote about Neil Armstrong...

    When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made this remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

    Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

    On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

    When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

    As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

    True story.


    Yes, I know it is not a true story - still pretty funny.
    Can't Means Won't

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  19. #1539
    Senior Member hunter63's Avatar
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    Default Rules for pets

    FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE or HAVE HAD PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. FOR THOSE WHO DON'T HAVE OR HAVE NEVER HAD PETS, IT IS STILL A TRUE STORY.

    The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

    Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

    For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle,
    I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -canine/feline attendance is not required.

    The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butts. I cannot stress this enough.....
    One more thing, staring at me while I eat to try to direct my mind to give you my food will not work (usually). I am too old and too tired. Go stare at the kids. They are younger and more susceptible to mind control. If you don't believe me, notice how they all dress alike so they can be individuals.

    Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

    TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

    (1) They live here. You don't.
    (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
    That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
    (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
    (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are
    short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

    Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

    (1) eat less,
    (2) don't ask for money all the time,
    (3) are easier to train,
    (4) normally come when called,
    (5) never ask to drive the car,
    (6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
    (7) don't smoke or drink,
    (8) don't want to wear your clothes,
    (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
    (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
    (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children!
    Survival isn't a game...it's what you do when the game goes sideways.

  20. #1540
    Senior Member Sparky93's Avatar
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    Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.
    "Freedom had been hunted round the globe; reason was considered as rebellion; and the slavery of fear had made men afraid to think. But such is the irresistible nature of truth, that all it asks, and all it wants, is the liberty of appearing."
    Thomas Paine

    Minimalist Camping: Enjoy nature, don't be tortured by it. Take as little as you need to be safe and comfortable.

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