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Thread: I've decided to become a Ninja.

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    Default I've decided to become a Ninja.

    I decided this afternoon to become a ninja. I've always liked the idea of being a Ninja and I've watched a few Ninja movies so I've got a pretty good idea of the things you have to do. Mostly it seems like jumping, running, doing flips and waving swords and stuff around while makeing swishing sounds and a few Hi-yas every now and then.

    I need to get some Ninja stuff though. I can make the num-chucks but the swords and knives I'll have to buy. I want good quality stuff but I have a budget of $49.23 +/-.

    Since working out is hard, I'm just going to concentrate on being a stealth Ninja and just blend in with my surroundings instead of al lthat climbing around and hanging from the ceiling stuff.

    I need some advice on which swords to get and I'm just going to use my coronavirus mask, even though it's green. If I'm stealthy enough no one will notice.

    Please, serious responses only. This is for real!

    Alan


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    I've changed my mind. I'm not going to spend the money on swords. I'll just use machetes that I already have, because what I really need are some of those puffballs that Ninjas throw to make them disappear. I think that would be a better use of my budget.

    Alan

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    You probably have some of those puffballs growing on your property.
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    Like most old F.A.R.T.s, you are a day late and a dollar short. What you need to get are some of those snap bombs like they sold during the 4th of July. They make really snappy explosion type sounds and would be just right for a stealth Ninja. Especially if you wanted to divert attention to another direction. You could toss a couple of those over yonder, they would explode and everyone would go....

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    Which, of course, means...the ninja is over there! Classic misdirection.

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    Senior Member WolfVanZandt's Avatar
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    You'll be more authentic with the machetes, anyway. Ninja were originally poor people who wanted to do something about brutal elites. They used what they had lying around. And that's why they relied on strategy instead of weaponry.
    True enough, my final home is still out there, but this is most certainly my home range and I love it. I love every rock I fall off and tree I trip over. Even when I am close to dying from exhaustion, a beautiful sunset doesn't lose it's power to refresh and inspire me and that, in itself, is enough to save me sometimes.

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    That's what I'm all about, strategy. Just like today. My strategy was to remain unnoticed to everyone in town. I accomplished that by working in my gunroom all day, only venturing out to eat lunch. It was an excellent strategy until the Master Ninja Hunter found me and outlined some less-than-ninjist tasks for me to do in between rain showers.


    Alan

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    The ninja lives to serve the master even to the point of death. This might not be a well thought out plan. Does the master have any knowledge of servitude? If not, there might be some room to rewrite the ninja rules a tad. We could call them...hmm....the Western American Ninja Kode (WANK for short). We'll do away with all that servitude...dying for the master stuff. Or...maybe that becomes null and void after the age of 30. Sort of a golden parachute. How sharp is that machete? We really don't want you hurting yourself. That might require a F.A.R.T. intervention and given how hot it is and the COVID thingy we might not even be able to assemble until November. Two words. Apply pressure.

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    I keep all my machetes whetted to a fine butter knife edge...

    When the Master showed up today I thought about throwing one of those puffball things at her to see if she would disappear, but I thought to myself, "If this doesn't work...."...

    Anyway, yeah, that first rule sounds like something a "Master" would think up. I think I'm going to be kinda of a Free Lance type Ninja. Hire out to the highest bidder. A sort of Paladin of the Ninja world.

    I have been practicing my menacing looks in the mirror though. I think I'm getting the hang of the piercing eye thing. And, I was really having trouble with making my mouth move and having different words than I was saying come out. I could do the mouth moving with no words okay, but when I tried the words with no mouth movements, things got ugly. But then I though, "What the? It COVID, I'll be wearing a mask!"

    Alan

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    Whew. I'm glad you got hold of yourself and reined in that whole puff ball impulse. I knew a guy that threw a puff ball to his wife once. Had nothing to do with Ninjaness. Just tossed it to her. Sadly, she didn't realize it was airborne until it landed up side her head. There was a rush of, "Are you okays" follow by "We gotta goes," leaving him to suffer some unknown fate all by his lonesome. He never told us what happened and we never asked. I do know he ate dinner out on the picnic table by himself for quite a spell after that. Mac and cheese looks pretty funky after the rain has hit it for a bit. But he looked on the bright side and claimed it was just food and beverage combined.

    Stink eye is what we call the piercing eye thing. It's a whole lot worse that piercing eye. I had a dog once that could give you stink eye coming or going. Yeah, he was good like that.

    Have machete will travel. I kinda like the ring of that.

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    Once you've honed your skills, the force is with you. You don't even have to defend yourself.

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    Man, do you know what would happen if you gave yourself the stink eye in the mirror? What if Chuck Norris did that? It would likely tear a hole in the fabric of the universe.

    What's the likelihood of the two goofiest dudes showing up on the same video? I can't really tell which one has the most "skills". The one who staggers out of the way or the one who absolutely stuck that landing. Of course it won't win him any medals, but maybe some metals if they have to put a pin in that knee.

    Alan

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    I will likely ponder that question all day. If I give myself the stink eye in the mirror will it bounce back or will my stink eye drive it back? Hmm. I would conduct an experiment but there are more pressing matters I have to put off.

    It should give all comfort to know that this conversation was held by a leader of an educational institution and a leader of business. This country is still safe.

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    I wonder if we could get a Government Grant to study this further?

    Alan

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    Oh, sure. The Existential Reflection of Odos Occulus in Homo Sapiens. We're in like Flynn. The money will be rollin' in. We'll be able to stock up on bacon and coffee for the F.A.R.T. trailer. The Army will no doubt be interested in it as a weapon so even more bucks.

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    Maybe we could get a new boat since it doesn't look like Pal334 has found ours yet.
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    Very good, glasshoppers. Keep up the good work and exercise your skills daily. .. exercise.
    True enough, my final home is still out there, but this is most certainly my home range and I love it. I love every rock I fall off and tree I trip over. Even when I am close to dying from exhaustion, a beautiful sunset doesn't lose it's power to refresh and inspire me and that, in itself, is enough to save me sometimes.

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    He's probably gettin' ready to look for it. It's only been a couple of years. Shoot, any job worth doin' is worth puttin' off.

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    The EROOHS thing is going to take a lot of work and time staring in the mirror. I guess I'll have to give up on my dream of becoming a Ninja. Life goes on and a man has to set priorities. Besides, the prospect of getting a new boat was a game changer.

    Alan

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    Oh, I'm perfect for the job. I can stare into a mirror until my eyes glaze over, which shouldn't take all that long actually. We did receive funding for a new boat. There is some red tape we'll get around to eventually.

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    You guy must know all the right people! Although, in 2011 you could get most anything free from the gummint, ifn you axed nice....

    Does that thing have a phone in it?

    Alan

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