You live until you die

[WolfVanZandt]

I've talked to a lot of people who were dying and I'm always very edgy about giving advice. There's a huge amount of diversity in humanity and people respond to things very differently. Some folks are scared to death of death and when they hear that they or a loved one is going to die, they become petrified and it's not a fault of theirs (frankly, I think that our culture conditions people to be that way). But dying is an absolutely essential part of living (and survival), so I want to tell you about my father's death.

He was diagnosed with lung cancer and told that he might have 6 moths to live - turned out to be more like a year and a half. He was 82 and said that he had a good life and was ready to go, and I never saw any evidence to the contrary. His last months were some of the best in his life - he had a blast. We did all the stuff he really enjoyed which included gold and gem hunting. He didn't seem to have much discomfort until a couple of weeks before he died. He could do things until a couple of days before he died. He wasn't to be stopped. One day, they were planning to move him into a hospice facility a week or so before he was expected to go. He told the orderly that let him know that they shouldn't bother because, "I won't be here tomorrow." Sure enough, he died 5 minutes before midnight. He enjoyed life right up until the end.

The morning of his funeral was gray and rainy, but an hour before, the sun came our and stayed out until an hour after.

[hunter63]

Thanks for sharing that....a difficult and personal thing for many people.

We lived 180 mile from the hospital where my father passed.....and had just visited....people there thought a couple of weeks yet to go.

But can recall a conversation with him the last time I saw him.
He was discussing all the things that needed to de done....Then just stopped....Kinda chuckled a bit and said, "Well I don't have to worry about that any more.....You will do fine."

We went back to the city....They called in the morning....He had passed.

[tundrabadger]

Thank you for sharing that.

I remember when my grandmother passed...she'd had a few years to get used to the idea. The doctor who diagnosed her cancer told her she had maybe 5 years left to live, but she stuck around for 7, I think largely because she didn't like him very much. Her last few weeks she spent in a hospital bed in her i guess you would call it a breakfast nook or whatever, kind of a space between the kitchen and the living room where there was normally a table and some chairs, because she liked to be in the swing of things, and there was a good view of the woods where she used to walk her dogs. She knew she was dying, she was okay with it, the day before she went the nurse was telling us it wouldn't be long, probably, and Nanny, in one of her last coherent moments, asked if it might be that day. She wasn't afraid, she was almost hopeful. the nurse patted her on the hand, and said "That's up to you, hon".

Turns out she was more or less right, because nanny hung on all through that day, though it was touch and go. Waited until my sister and myself and our spouses had gone home, waited until my mom had gone to bed, and she was alone, and passed quietly in her sleep. She wasn't going to do it when she had an audience, she was private like that. Also, I've always assumed that death had to take her while she was sleeping, because if she'd been awake he would have gotten an earful.

Apropos of nothing, and since I'm apparently in a sharing mood...she was quite the birdwatcher when she was alive, and she had a bunch of feeders that you could see from the breakfast nook where she died. She was particularly fond of juncos, which she only rarely got in her yard, but they were around when she was sick...and the next autumn, when we were hosting a celebration of life, and I was sitting at the table in that same space, writing a eulogy, they were there then too.

[randyt]

My mom died of pancreatic cancer, it took three months. A year later my dad called me on a friday telling me he was cancer free (prostate cancer) that sunday he died of a heart attack. I was able to brace myself on my moms death but my dads haunts me.

[Adventure Wolf]

We have all experienced this. Thank you for sharing your insight.

[Batch]

My mother lost the 4th of her 5 brothers Wednesday night. My father says they talked about how now that they are in thier mid 70's that they have lost so many family and friends.

But, age is a just marker of time and tomorrow is promised to no one. Lives often end abruptly. Live and love accordingly.

[madmax]

I'm trying to learn and watch from how others' deal with death. Thank you for sharing.

Grandma went, half blind, asking what's that bright light. Take that as you will. I have her favorite moth eaten blanket on my piano seat. She was a bubbly girl from the 20's until the day she died. Buried her by Grandpa and I can and do walk from my house to their graves and say hi regularly.

[Rick]

I'm pretty pragmatic about death. I don't fear it. It's simply a guarantee that it will occur. If you have religious beliefs then you believe in an after life. So there is nothing to be afraid of. If you are atheist and believe that life simply ends then there is nothing to be afraid of. Either way, I don't see any sense in fear but I allow that some folks are afraid and that's certainly their right.

Looking at all the possibilities at the moment I'm pretty quick to recognize all of my many good fortunes and countless blessings.

[Williepete]

I was raised by a very strict father who had a strange outlook of life, and I don't believe he was wrong. His theory was that we are all dieing the minute we are born, we just don't know when. My late wife and I lost our second child at 16 months old from a rare form of cancer, then she miscarried six months later. I watched two of my uncles pass away at home when I was an early teen. Mom helped both with the morphine shots. Seems I've been around 'death' all my life, so I don't think I will have a problem when ever that time does slip up on me. I dread how my wife will handle it, she goes to pieces over most any little thing.

Bill

[WolfVanZandt]

A lot of cultures have believed that the necessary, eventual death is the prime reason for living to the maximum.

[1stimestar]

Thank you for sharing. Sept. is such a hard month for me. 4 years ago yesterday they found the cancer had gone to my husband's brain and was not expecting him to wake up from the coma due to blood loss. He did, kind of. He couldn't talk because he was on the ventilator but he woke up long enough for me to tell him that that the kids and I were there. I was so thankful for that even if it I don't know if he was able to understand or not.

Our society no longer teaches us what to do with death. How to deal with it, how to deal with the survivor's. I admit before I became a widow, I was pretty clueless as well so I don't hold it against most people. People are sympathetic, but when it comes right down to it, they move on and kind of forget that you are still dealing with things you shouldn't have to because you are now an only parent. People say "call if you need me" not realizing that there were times when I needed but could not call. Eh, sorry, didn't mean to high jack your thread, just having a hard month as it is also our anniversary month.

[NightSG]

Granddad wasn't often lucid in his last year; he was hit by a hit and run driver going home from Christmas dinner 2001, hard enough that it ripped his seat and seat belt from the anchor point and he broke the passenger side window with his head before being spun into 60 mph oncoming traffic. He held on through New Year 2002 pretty well, but made a comment in one of his clearer moments that he would see grandma by the end of the year. True to his word he woke up on December 31 2002, looked at the nurse, then the calendar, then smiled and closed his eyes again for the last time.

[WolfVanZandt]

I think that's what "my" thread is about, 1stimestar. We're fortunate if we have people around us that we can learn from. We're very fortunate if those people can show us effective ways to live. People who can show us how to die a good death are very precious indeed. We have a lot of cultures wrapped up in America. The ones that derive from Europe have generally become rather evasive about death. Many Native American and other "primitive" (I use the term rather ironically) cultures have people that psychologists and anthropologists call psychopomps who take care of "end issues" in their communities. They are shamanic specialists. I have a few friends who have the knack.

Also, most counseling curricula have courses on "Death and Dying". I've never noticed that they have much overall affect on the general culture. I have known some hospice personnel, though, that performed quite admirably.

[1stimestar]

I think that's what "my" thread is about, 1stimestar. We're fortunate if we have people around us that we can learn from. We're very fortunate if those people can show us effective ways to live. People who can show us how to die a good death are very precious indeed. We have a lot of cultures wrapped up in America. The ones that derive from Europe have generally become rather evasive about death. Many Native American and other "primitive" (I use the term rather ironically) cultures have people that psychologists and anthropologists call psychopomps who take care of "end issues" in their communities. They are shamanic specialists. I have a few friends who have the knack.

Also, most counseling curricula have courses on "Death and Dying". I've never noticed that they have much overall affect on the general culture. I have known some hospice personnel, though, that performed quite admirably.

Yes, my hospice counselor was a tremendous help. I went to her for a bit over 2 years trying to figure out how to do this and how to help my children through it. Both of my kids went to her a few times at first then I sent my daughter back to her when I caught her cutting. She helped my family a lot, even though she had left hospice and opened her own private practice about 6 months after I started going to her.

[WolfVanZandt]

Thing about it, I get the feeling that these great hospice folks are bringing it up from their own being more than training (I'm sure there's good training involved, though.) I guess you wouldn't even be in that field unless you really believed in it