Needing some help here!

**rebel** · 12-06-2012, 06:26 PM

My friend is on his last legs with cancer. They'll be calling hospis in a couple of weeks.

What do you say?

**rebel** · 12-06-2012, 06:37 PM

Sorry.

Just heard the bad news and was distraught.

**ElevenBravo** · 12-06-2012, 06:46 PM

Sad to hear. Very sorry for all involved during this difficult time.

Andrew

**crashdive123** · 12-06-2012, 06:51 PM

Sorry to hear it Rebel. Thoughts and prayers sent.

**rebel** · 12-06-2012, 06:59 PM

Thanks.

Sorry to have brought it up. I just got the news.

He was an active Christian. So, no worries.

**hunter63** · 12-06-2012, 07:02 PM

Our thoughts and prayers are with him and his family, as well as for you.
Loosing a friend is a tough thing......

**rebel** · 12-06-2012, 07:29 PM

I appreciate the kindness.

He had surgery to remove the cancer a few weeks ago. On Friday they did a CAT scan and the results just came in, cancer had spread to his liver and brain. The doc gave him a couple of months.

On the bright side, unlike a heart attack, he gets to say his good byes.

There's no guarantees that he'll get there first, who ever does, needs to pick out a good hunting spot.

I'm headed to the garage. Later.

**natertot** · 12-06-2012, 09:21 PM

Wow, Rebel. Those things are always tough. What I have observed working in a hospital is that it is not what you say, it is what you do. Do not treat him as if he has already passed. Continue to value his love and give your love to him. There is nothing you can say to brighten his outlook on his future, however, when he goes, give him the peace and assurance his life was worthwhile to you and to those around him.

Sometimes, words do not need to be heard, you just need to be there.

Just my .02. Prayers sent for you and your friend for strength and wisdom for you both.

**BLEUXDOG** · 12-06-2012, 11:17 PM

Sorry to hear about your friend. I recently lost a friend that was like a sister to me. She battled cancer for 4 years. I don't know how she did it. When she told me, we cried and talked about the things that were and things that would not be. She said," At least I know what is going to get me." I later understood she was not afraid to go first. I talked to her almost every day for that four years. I called one Tuesday and someone answered the phone and said her dog died that morning and she was just getting to sleep. I told them I would be there on the weekend. She was in south Louisiana and I am in North Louisiana. We drove down on friday night and I spent a couple of hours with her Saturday afternoon.
She was worried about everyone being sad. I told her it was time to let go. She said she would meet me on the other side. She died on Sunday. Everyone said she was waiting for me to come see her. I like to think so. I miss her alot.

To answer your question Rebel, you let them know how much you will miss them and how they will be with you in your thoughts and prayers. Be sure to let them know you love them. Let them know it's alright to go but you'll be expecting to see them on the otherside. You will be sad when he is gone but you will be grateful he is at Peace and not fighting any more. It is not the end, just another part of the journey.

**BENESSE** · 12-06-2012, 11:27 PM

I'm really sorry Reb.
Heart felt prayers for your friend, his family and you. He is not gone yet, and no one knows for sure how much time is left, not even doctors.
Cherish each day with him and don't think beyond.

**Batch** · 12-06-2012, 11:34 PM

Had an old Gladesman that was in hospice want to go back to his camp in the Glades. Almost didn't happen. But, he got to slide his old stomping grounds one more time. He passed a couple days later. But, he got what to go home one more time before he died. He drove his boat and gigged up some frogs. He even helped clean the frogs!

I hope you all don't mind me posting another forum thread at a unrelated forum.

http://www.southernairboat.com/phpBB...fea12d4fa54b33

I have another friend as well that has been fighting pancreatic cancer for almost a year. Insurance denied a new procedure. She is 49 and has two kids.

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fun...-survive/36538

My point is when we are going to lose them anyway. We can still give them a little love and a grin for one more run. Make him tell you what he really wants to do and do it. Screw that lying there dying stuff.

**techiedude** · 12-07-2012, 12:50 AM

Sorry to here about your friend. It will be a year since my father died from cancer on the 13th of December. We found out he had cancer the day after thanksgiving last year. He did not feel well so i took him to the VA they did a CT scan and found out he had cancer in his lungs, Liver and colon. he went straight into hospice and died 21 days later. I remember sitting with him in his hospice room and wonder what he was thinking as he lay there dying. We talked about life about good times and he never felt or showed sadness to me. I was there every day until he died it is still very sad to this day but GOD has given me the ability to go on and remember all the good times i had with him. So just talk with your friend be kind even when they might not be so nice.

**Phaedrus** · 12-07-2012, 01:47 AM

It's a tough thing to deal with. It's hard to find a silver lining but if there is one it's that he should have some time to get his affairs in order. If he's strong enough than he can also maybe check a few things off the bucket list. When my dad passed away he'd been in the hospital for several months. He died in a hospital bed, the worst possible way to go for someone like him. Treasure the time you have with your friend for none of us know the day nor the hour.

**rebel** · 12-07-2012, 03:21 AM

Originally Posted by natertot

Wow, Rebel. Those things are always tough. What I have observed working in a hospital is that it is not what you say, it is what you do. Do not treat him as if he has already passed. Continue to value his love and give your love to him. There is nothing you can say to brighten his outlook on his future, however, when he goes, give him the peace and assurance his life was worthwhile to you and to those around him.

Sometimes, words do not need to be heard, you just need to be there.

Just my .02. Prayers sent for you and your friend for strength and wisdom for you both.

Originally Posted by BLEUXDOG

Sorry to hear about your friend. I recently lost a friend that was like a sister to me. She battled cancer for 4 years. I don't know how she did it. When she told me, we cried and talked about the things that were and things that would not be. She said," At least I know what is going to get me." I later understood she was not afraid to go first. I talked to her almost every day for that four years. I called one Tuesday and someone answered the phone and said her dog died that morning and she was just getting to sleep. I told them I would be there on the weekend. She was in south Louisiana and I am in North Louisiana. We drove down on friday night and I spent a couple of hours with her Saturday afternoon.
She was worried about everyone being sad. I told her it was time to let go. She said she would meet me on the other side. She died on Sunday. Everyone said she was waiting for me to come see her. I like to think so. I miss her alot.

To answer your question Rebel, you let them know how much you will miss them and how they will be with you in your thoughts and prayers. Be sure to let them know you love them. Let them know it's alright to go but you'll be expecting to see them on the otherside. You will be sad when he is gone but you will be grateful he is at Peace and not fighting any more. It is not the end, just another part of the journey.

Originally Posted by BENESSE

I'm really sorry Reb.
Heart felt prayers for your friend, his family and you. He is not gone yet, and no one knows for sure how much time is left, not even doctors.
Cherish each day with him and don't think beyond.

Originally Posted by Batch

Had an old Gladesman that was in hospice want to go back to his camp in the Glades. Almost didn't happen. But, he got to slide his old stomping grounds one more time. He passed a couple days later. But, he got what to go home one more time before he died. He drove his boat and gigged up some frogs. He even helped clean the frogs!

I hope you all don't mind me posting another forum thread at a unrelated forum.

http://www.southernairboat.com/phpBB...fea12d4fa54b33

I have another friend as well that has been fighting pancreatic cancer for almost a year. Insurance denied a new procedure. She is 49 and has two kids.

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fun...-survive/36538

My point is when we are going to lose them anyway. We can still give them a little love and a grin for one more run. Make him tell you what he really wants to do and do it. Screw that lying there dying stuff.

Originally Posted by techiedude

Sorry to here about your friend. It will be a year since my father died from cancer on the 13th of December. We found out he had cancer the day after thanksgiving last year. He did not feel well so i took him to the VA they did a CT scan and found out he had cancer in his lungs, Liver and colon. he went straight into hospice and died 21 days later. I remember sitting with him in his hospice room and wonder what he was thinking as he lay there dying. We talked about life about good times and he never felt or showed sadness to me. I was there every day until he died it is still very sad to this day but GOD has given me the ability to go on and remember all the good times i had with him. So just talk with your friend be kind even when they might not be so nice.

Originally Posted by Phaedrus

It's a tough thing to deal with. It's hard to find a silver lining but if there is one it's that he should have some time to get his affairs in order. If he's strong enough than he can also maybe check a few things off the bucket list. When my dad passed away he'd been in the hospital for several months. He died in a hospital bed, the worst possible way to go for someone like him. Treasure the time you have with your friend for none of us know the day nor the hour.

Thank you all for the help. I really appreciate it. I can see through your hardships that you have a common view and understanding of how to deal with this. To be there. To help them find peace. To cherish the time. To give them a grin. To be nice and treasure the moment.

Who knows, maybe this thread will help someone else too.

**1stimestar** · 12-07-2012, 03:29 AM

Sorry Rebel. It's never easy to hear or deal with, no matter if you have warning or not. Hospice has a pamphlet called How can I help my friend, or something of the nature that I really wished I could have given to my friends when my husband died. It has suggestions about how to deal with the grief and how to help your friend/s who are grieving. So if he has a wife, it would really help if you read it. I'm sure there are versions available online. Also, take care of yourself in this time. Grieve as you need to. There is no right way. Self destructive behavior to deal with grief though, does not work. It's a process that you must go through. If you delay it by self medicating, it will still be there to go through when you are done. I really only have one piece of advice to give you though. If he has a wife...I don't know, maybe this was just me. My friends wanted to help. They wanted to be there for me. They just didn't know how. They said "call me if you need me." I needed them. I was unable to call. I could not ask for help from anyone after it was all over. I did get help though through my wonderful hospice counselor. So of course you can say "call if you need me" even before he is gone. But a real friend would just go. Go mow the yard, take out the trash, take the vehicle to the car wash, throw in a load of laundry or show up at the door and ask for their shopping list. You don't have to pay for the groceries, just go out and get them. Practical help as well as just being there. Show up for coffee. Don't worry about not being invited. I guess it depends on what type of relationship you guys have though. There are times I would have welcomed a shoulder to cry on no matter if my house or my hair was a mess. Good luck and take care of you.

**WolfVanZandt** · 12-07-2012, 04:10 AM

I don't generally see death as a bad thing. It's an absolutely indispensable part of life. If you live long enough, everyone you know will die. But it is uncomfortable. People lose something very valuable. What drives me to distraction is how we ignore the fact that we are going to die one day and we waste what time we actually have. Friends shouldn't take for granted the fact that their relationship is time limited on this phase of existence. In this age of Cult of Individuality, we're (at least, the US) not nearly relationship oriented enough.

On the other hand, there is such a thing as a good death and, whereas (as little as I agree with her on a lot of things I do agree with her on this) as Hillary Clinton says (not that it's all that original), it takes a village to raise a child, it also takes community to ensure a good death. My father "had six months to live" and lived two and a half more years. He probably had more fun those years than any before. He was ready to die and lung cancer took him gently. He wasn't incapacitated until a couple of weeks before his death. They were planning to move him to a hospice hospital for his last two or so weeks of life but he told an orderly that he wouldn't be around the next day to move and, sure enough, he died 5 minuted before midnight that night.

Now not everyone goes so easily. One acquaintance literally screamed her last hours on earth. When I die, I won't mind being incapacitated as long as I am still capable of loving the people who are close to me. In that, I will be of value every minute of my life. We value activity too much when the truly valuable thing we give to the world is relationship. And that doesn't die with us.

True survival is being a part of the people around us.

**1stimestar** · 12-07-2012, 04:40 AM

Oh just wanted to add, I wrote my response without reading the others. With the night I've had, I just can't. But giving it a cursory look, I see you are getting really good advice.

**Wildthang** · 12-07-2012, 08:41 AM

Rebel, I am truly sorry aboiut your friend. From my experience with friends and family that have passed on, it seemed that the most important thing to them was having their special people with them when they passed. So just be there for him because I have never known anybody that wanted to be alone when they pass on!

**rebel** · 12-07-2012, 08:49 AM

Originally Posted by 1stimestar

Sorry Rebel. It's never easy to hear or deal with, no matter if you have warning or not. Hospice has a pamphlet called How can I help my friend, or something of the nature that I really wished I could have given to my friends when my husband died. It has suggestions about how to deal with the grief and how to help your friend/s who are grieving. So if he has a wife, it would really help if you read it. I'm sure there are versions available online. Also, take care of yourself in this time. Grieve as you need to. There is no right way. Self destructive behavior to deal with grief though, does not work. It's a process that you must go through. If you delay it by self medicating, it will still be there to go through when you are done. I really only have one piece of advice to give you though. If he has a wife...I don't know, maybe this was just me. My friends wanted to help. They wanted to be there for me. They just didn't know how. They said "call me if you need me." I needed them. I was unable to call. I could not ask for help from anyone after it was all over. I did get help though through my wonderful hospice counselor. So of course you can say "call if you need me" even before he is gone. But a real friend would just go. Go mow the yard, take out the trash, take the vehicle to the car wash, throw in a load of laundry or show up at the door and ask for their shopping list. You don't have to pay for the groceries, just go out and get them. Practical help as well as just being there. Show up for coffee. Don't worry about not being invited. I guess it depends on what type of relationship you guys have though. There are times I would have welcomed a shoulder to cry on no matter if my house or my hair was a mess. Good luck and take care of you.

Really good advise.
I'm sorry if this thread has brought painful memories for you or anyone else.