It's a F.A.R.T Day!!

[Winnie]

It was on this hos.......orsp.......asp........aus........very day in the year of our lord 2009 that the(distinctly) irregular F.A.R.T came into being. The idea of a (distinctly) irregular force was the brainchild of Pal334(the one who lost the boat). The original name was the R.R.V.F(Rapid Response Volunteer Force).The directive of RRVF was to be a force for good on WSF, helping members in times of crisis and distress. Indeed, I myself was to be the first recipient of help to swell the ranks in WRW1 (Winnies Rodent War 1).
It soon became apparent that the calibre of recruits was such that a name change was required. It was then that Crashdive123 interceded with a new name and a new ethos and F.A.R.T(Fairly Agile Response Team) was born. It has taken many hours of napping with waking moments for Bacon Sammich's, Danish(the Pastry, not the people), Coffee and Beer, loss of pencils, typewriters and a Boat(the one that Pal lost) to turn a bunch of manly men into the indecisive, ineffective, shabby rabble they are today.
Since the(decidedly) irregular team has been together, WSF has seen numerous occasions where the talents of the F.A.R.T have never been put to good use, thus proving they are ready and able to add their (considerable) weight and inactivity to any and all dilemmas you don't want resolved.
Recently, Recruit Individual People Apprentices or R.I.P.A.F.A.R.Ts are being enlisted and some are in Boot Camp. Under the watchful eyes of the (distinctly) irregular F.A.R.Ts, the R.I.P.A.F.A.R.Ts are put through their paces. Training is tough, very few manly men can manage the high standards of sloth and half baked indecisiveness required. The DOR rate is so high, the Bell has lost it's Clapper. It's whereabouts is still unknown, but 2Dumb was seen walking funny as he exited the Training compound recently.
It has also been floated(not the boat that Pal lost, that's lost.) that there may be another more elusive and elite branch of F.A.R.T. The Limited Intelligence Trained Espionage Agency, or L.I.T.E.A.F.A.R.T. As far as I am aware this is the.........was, the top secret branch of F.A.R.T I can only assume it has to do with high level protection detail and surveillance (Bacon and Danish(the pastry not the people) don't look after themselves). Maybe them Homeland Security fellow's have recruited them for furtive........covert detail, apparently Abdullah has been under some strain since negotiating funding for the F.A.R.Ts. The mention of a lost boat, replacements and docking problems may have been a contributory factor.
And there you have it, a potted history of our fearless protection force.
So if you're in trouble, when no-one else can help. And you can wake them, don't bother the F.A.R.T!
Happy birthday Y'all!
Fondest Love
I.F.A.R.T.E.D(Imaginative Fairly Agile Response Team Exploits Diarist)

In the true spirit of F.A.R.T philosophy, I.F.A.R.T.E.D takes no responsibility whatsoever for the accuracy of the above archive.

[Pal334]

It is indeed good that we have a historian.Many great things could have happened in the last year. Oh well maybe next year (or maybe not). Now as to the matter of the actual written history, perhaps since you the official chronicaler, there is the matter of a certain boat that we should talk about

[crashdive123]

Winnie -

Thank you so much. It is just fabulous that I.F.A.R.T.E.D. I.C.K.Y.F.A.R.T.S. (Iconoclastic Compilation of Knowledge of Yesteryear of Fairly Agile Response Team Stunts) is keeping track of things around here.

[Winnie]

Well, someone has to take note of those I.C.K.Y.F.A.R.T.S and apportion blame or congratulations.

[Rick]

That brought a tear to my eye and a pain in my lower abdomen. One should view this eloquent transcript in a positive note. Imagine all the disasters that did not occur. We were ready. Imagine all the lives never placed in peril. We were ready. All the battles that never had to be fought, all the wrongs that never occurred, we were ready. I offer our motto for the team's vote...In Aliquet Vulputate Requievit.....Ever Rested, Never Tested.

We can neither confirm nor deny the existence of L.I.T.A.F.A.R.T. We don't see well in the dark so we're not sure if they are there or not and that seems to be when they train....if they exist. We have seen fuzzy videos taken at night of some odd blue recon beacons. Here one minute and gone the next. But it's not decisive enough for confirmation. Either that or we slept through the end of the video. The dog has left the room whimpering on occasion but that occurs with the regular members as well.

[hunter63]

Well I'm glad that has been cleared up...inquiring minds want to know....maybe?

[nell67]

OH MY GOD, LMAO !!! THANK YOU WINNIE!THANK YUOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU.

That is the most hilarious,most (in) accurate detailing of the beginning of the F.A.R.T.

Thanks you sooo much for the laugh/now I gotta go redo my make up!

[rebel]

That was GREAT!

[southard]

I was wondering if ya'll thought about instituting a Collective Response Assignment Program (C.R.A.P.) to insure the proper FARTs are deployed according to their relevant skillset to the situation.

[Rick]

It's interesting that you suggested that. We did have a F.A.R.T. contest last year. It was a timed response for given scenarios. One of the scenarios was to see how quickly a F.A.R.T. could get dressed. We have heavy trousers similar to what firemen wear. It was discovered during one of the tests that one member was indeed a C.R.A.P. and the rules clearly state that you can not C.R.A.P. your trousers during a F.A.R.T. contest so we had to disqualify him.

[jake abraham]

thanks for the laugh

[hunter63]

It's interesting that you suggested that. We did have a F.A.R.T. contest last year. It was a timed response for given scenarios. One of the scenarios was to see how quickly a F.A.R.T. could get dressed. We have heavy trousers similar to what firemen wear. It was discovered during one of the tests that one member was indeed a C.R.A.P. and the rules clearly state that you can not C.R.A.P. your trousers during a F.A.R.T. contest so we had to disqualify him.

Well, OH C.R.A.P. happens.

[crashdive123]

For those of you that are considering a life as a F.A.R.T. The following is one recommended path.

First you will start off as a (Hard-up Old Person Expecting Full Useful Life) H.O.P.E.F.U.L F.A.R.T. You will then need to demonstrate your (Dedication, Responsibility, Education, Attitude, Motivation) D.R.E.A.M. F.A.R.T. capabilities. Once you have done that, you will go through (Final Acceptance Testing) F.A.T. F.A.R.T. Shortly after that you will receive your (Beneficiary Earnings Exchange Record) B.E.E.R. F.A.R.T.

[Rick]

You don't have to worry about cost either. We do supply all the needed equipment for your training. One of the first things you will receive is your (Working Organizational Materials Envelope and Notebook version 2) W.O.M.E.N.F.A.R.T.2. You will need to know the information in the packet so keep it handy. You'll receive training in covert actions to learn how to be a silent but deadly F.A.R.T. as well as how to stay in shape. There is nothing more inspiring than a well tuned F.A.R.T.

You can pick up your scuba gear at the training center. After a few weeks you'll be a qualified underwater F.A.R.T. and, finally, you'll also receive your (Defensive Ordnance Gear) D.O.G.F.A.R.T. to keep you safe.

[smhg]

LOL! Winnie, that was hilarious :-)

[crashdive123]

Are you laughing at Winnie's F.A.R.T.S.?

[Winnie]

Hang on a minute! Who put me in charge? I'm just the exploits diarist, I'm not qualified to take control of that many F.A.R.Ts sneaking about.

[2dumb2kwit]

Hang on a minute! Who put me in charge? I'm just the exploits diarist, I'm not qualified to take control of that many F.A.R.Ts sneaking about.

Yep....you're in charge of which F.A.R.T.S. get held in and which ones get let out.

[Rick]

I suppose what we need to think about is a Volumetric Attenuator Limiting Velocity Egress (VALVE). A F.A.R.T. V.A.L.V.E. would probably work well in this instance. We don't want too many of us trying to get out of the mobile command center at once. We need to limit how many can exit lest we get jammed into the doorway.

[Winnie]

Well, 2Dumb is the guy for that job, Rick. He knows all about mechanics and construction. He could build a dandy F.A.R.T. V.A.L.V.E into the command centre. Just let me know when it happens(snicker, yeah right!) and in my I.F.A.R.T.E.D capacity I will add it to the archives.