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So, I was walking through...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look...

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s...

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
For all of...

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.
I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels
and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a...

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. I'm going to let you cool your heels in...

The Navy Master Chief noticed a new sailor among his crew. So he yelled at him, “Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”
“Tim,” the new sailor replied.
“Now look, I don’t know what kind of...

NEVER SATISFIED.

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two...

Breaking some eggs.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh!...

Get A Second Opinion
The doctor said, "Paul, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles...

Craig's List: Free to good home.
My girlfriend doesn't like my dog "Princess", so I appeal to you.
She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games. Not...

Sooooo let me see if I got this straight, the government is really interested in helping you get a ton of money you didn't know anything about...is that right? They're with the FBI but are not...

Many people have ask how I stay so fit. This is what I did......

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand,...

This elephant and alligator were good friends in the jungle...
They are walking along a trail when the elephant spies this turtle sunning itself on a log.
The elephant stops and stares at the...

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that...

"TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE A BAD DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA"
10. After shouting "Merry Christmas!" he gets a hacking cough and has to lay down for awhile.
9. He keeps trying to get the kids' mothers to...

The story of the Three Pigs.
Once upon a time their were 3 pigs.
They lived at home with their mother since their dad was such a boar. One day their mom came home in a bad mood. It seems she...

A cop stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the...

A precious little girl walks into a Pet store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he...

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you...

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down." They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car....

Dear Tide:
I am writing to say
what an excellent product
you have.
I've used it all of my married life,
as my Mom always told me
it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties
I find it even...

"Woman comes home sees her husband just sittin there. She says "what ARE you doin?" He says "I'm killin flies, so far I've gotten 3 males and 2 females." She says "now how do you know that?" He says...

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with...