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View Full Version : Poopin' in the woods.



trax
11-05-2007, 05:01 PM
welll, oh my GOD! where to start?

If you don't like pooping in the woods, you may want to re-visit all the previous plans you've shared with us.

Really need a seat? Hang your a$$ over a deadfall.

Shaving? do bears or wolves? I think not.

There's a specific kind of moss that makes very good TP, it's long n' stringy and works best if you can dry it and weave it. Indians invented the 1st disposal diapers and sanitary napkins with the stuff.

Maple leaves (much as I hate to do that to my national emblem...not) are considered primo tp by those in the know.

You can squeeze yourself between two forks in a tree until you force the waste material out if you really have to, wolverines do it.

trax
11-05-2007, 05:01 PM
that was as far as I could go without saying something I might regret later, lol.

SemperParatus
11-05-2007, 05:14 PM
ROTFLMAO!!!!
If anybody, and I do mean ANYBODY expects to shave my butt, I've lost total control of the situation.:D Let alone burning them off. I just don't see how any one person can do that. I won't be bending over for that one.

nell67
11-05-2007, 05:16 PM
LOL ! This has brought very bad pictures to my mind right now,you gotta stop my mind is too feeble to handle that!

trax
11-05-2007, 05:23 PM
It would certainly make for a far more diligent scrutiny of people applying to be scout troop leaders wouldn't it?

"OK, guys! Everyone bend over, we're going hiking in the woods this afternoon and this is a necessary preemptive measure...."

nell67
11-05-2007, 05:33 PM
It would certainly make for a far more diligent scrutiny of people applying to be scout troop leaders wouldn't it?

"OK, guys! Everyone bend over, we're going hiking in the woods this afternoon and this is a necessary preemptive measure...."

OH MY!!!LOL!

LadyTrapper
11-05-2007, 05:34 PM
OMG.. this is hilarious!

MCBushbaby
11-05-2007, 05:41 PM
1. I don't like squatting in the woods to poop. I want to know how to make some kind of seat from wood that I can sit on and do my business. I know while hiking you gotta do what u gotta do and don't have time to make one but say you get to a spot where you're going to be for a while? Any ideas on that? You can do a number of things: find an overhanging branch and dangle (best if the branch is low enough to seat-dangle while reaching the ground with your feet), lean against a tree (takes some strong hamstrings after a while), sit with your tailbone on a downed log, etc. Whatever makes you comfortable.

2. What kinds of things to use as Toilet Paper? I've heard sticks, smooth stones, leaves (not poison ivy like my boss used a few months ago lol), moss. Anyone know any more good things to use? I always bring a roll just because it's more comfortable

3. Shaving ones butt hair? I read that if you have hair in your crack that it's a good idea to buzz cut it off so the poop don't stick to it and thus is easier for you to wipe yourself clean after a BM. Any thoughts on how to do this solo when it grows back if a person is in the wilderness for a long time? I was thinking of burning it off with fire. Hair burns quick so maybe I could hold a flame under my butt and burn off the hair, I'd have to be quick so as not to burn my skin or maybe thats just a dumb idea i don't know. Ew?

4. Washing my hands? Ok lets say I have no soap and I just got done emptying my colon. Lets also say I got some on my hand, now I don't want to have hands smelling like feces, so what do I do? I heard washing in a stream with sand or dirt will get your hands clean but I'm worried about having Mr. Hankey hands. Does washing with dirt/sand really get the smell to go away? I heard you can make soap from the ashes from your campfire anyone know how to do that? I think you need to reevaluate how you are wiping if your hands are coming out as "mr hankey hands"

5. To bury or not to bury? There are conflicting ideologies about this. I hear the bacteria lives longer underground, but that leaving it above ground is just stinky business, what do most of you recommend? Always bury. It's poor taste to leave your dookie sitting out

In my day to day life I use baby wipes. Laugh if you want, but after you're done taking your next crap, after you've wiped with toilet paper and think your butt is clean, then take a couple baby wipes and wipe it, then you'll realize you've just been smearing it all these years instead of cleaning it. :D

You may not want to go into the outdoors if your so fickle about your waste production. Baby wipes? Shaving your ***? It seems neurotic to me, no offense.

wareagle69
11-05-2007, 05:43 PM
ok better let the plumber handle this one... wait i can't stop laughing i am sorry but otay are you the guy who wants to dissappear into the wilderness come on bud your sh** out of luck here ... get it sh** out of luck gosh i crack my self up oh wait now i said crack ha ha ha ha ha ha.

trax
11-05-2007, 05:48 PM
Hey the dude asked a serious question you guys, no need to s**t on him for it....:D:D:D:D

SemperParatus
11-05-2007, 05:58 PM
Poopin' in the woods,
I'm poopin' in the woods....

(sung to the tune of "Singin' In The Rain")

Now there's something else I can't get out of my head.
Sorry,,I can't help it. This is funny.

SemperParatus
11-05-2007, 06:02 PM
I sincerely hope that the OP had humor in mind at least some. If not,,,, Lord, I apologize and bless the little pygmies down there in New Guinea. Git Er Done.

trax
11-05-2007, 06:03 PM
Poopin' in the woods,
I'm poopin' in the woods....

(sung to the tune of "Singin' In The Rain")



"what a glo--rious feelin'

I knew that I could...."

(just laugin' and poopin' in the wooods..."

Nice, SP, catchy, I like it...

Sarge47
11-05-2007, 07:12 PM
Okay! Knock that CRAP off or you'll all drop and give me 50! Why are you all givin' poor ole' Otay CRAP for anyway! The man's got a serious concern, and it's obvious he's not a Marine! BTW, there really is a book titled: "How To S**t In The Woods." Don't remember the author though. I think he was kinda ANAL! In the Scouts we just squatted over a hole in the ground. But then the Scouts are a tough bunch! By the way, does Bic make "disposable butt-hair razors"? What about all the other guys in the woods you might be hangin' with and they see you shavin' your butt? Wouldn't that send a "Brokeback Mountain" kinda message. Now I gotta get that stupid song outta my head! Doggone you guys!

wareagle69
11-05-2007, 07:23 PM
50 what sarge 50 pieces of crap paper 50 seconds of squattn 50 disposable razors?

trax
11-05-2007, 07:27 PM
I hope that's all Sarge wanted :)

Beo
11-05-2007, 07:46 PM
Okay... Otay, first you wanna lick on frogs, then you wanna shower in pee, now your not poop'n in the woods... lol. You can do the first two but not the last? what's wrong don't thiink your sh*t stinks...lol... too good to poop 'n the woods!!!!?

trax
11-05-2007, 07:48 PM
Okay... Otay, first you wanna lick on frogs, then you wanna shower in pee, now your not poop'n in the woods... lol. You can do the first two but not the last? what's wrong don't thiink your sh*t stinks...lol... too good to poop 'n the woods!!!!?

Somehow, I knew he'd have another perspective LMAO....

SemperParatus
11-05-2007, 08:19 PM
Yeah but,,still,,ya gotta admit. That was just too good to just let it pass. Sorry if we made you the butt of our jokes. We probably shouldn't have even made most of those cracks. Hope everything comes out ok for you.:D:D

wareagle69
11-05-2007, 08:24 PM
it's all the body hair that traps the scent...
you do ask allot of interesting questions nothing wrong with that otay. at least your thinking. i myself like the baby wipes too when i was dating this feature girl she started me on that, especially if you ain't been showering for a couple of days when out in the bush hygeine is often very important to your health so jest as we might(and must) you just keep on having the courage to be honest and brave..

LadyTrapper
11-05-2007, 09:27 PM
50 what sarge 50 pieces of crap paper 50 seconds of squattn 50 disposable razors?

....and a partridge in a pear tree...:D

I havent laughed so hard in many years.!! Thanks for the chuckles.:rolleyes::p:D

Sarge47
11-05-2007, 09:37 PM
If we haven't run you off yet...Welcome to the Wolf Pack; they're a frisky bunch!

nell67
11-05-2007, 09:40 PM
See what you stepped into Otay???

explodingearth
11-05-2007, 09:43 PM
ok guys... best advice ill probably ever give you. when youre out in the woods and stuff... to remain a clean bottom DO NOT DRINK ANYWHERE NEAR THE TIME YOU EAT and evaporate MOST of the water from your food. if you only eat pretty dry foods and you never have a drink with your food it will come out as turds instead of a sticky mess you wont even need to wipe and youll never get rashes.

Sarge47
11-05-2007, 09:45 PM
Now look what we all went and did, we ran off Otay....maybe. Hmmm, did anyone ever think to tell him about the Wolf Pack? You're all a bunch of animals!
Oh well, if he comes back then he's a wolf for sure.

explodingearth
11-05-2007, 09:51 PM
in regard to the hair situation... DINGLE BERRIES ANYONE?!

SemperParatus
11-05-2007, 09:52 PM
He put the :D icon on the thread. I think he's playing with us a little bit with a straight face. He does pose some interesting questions though. Should I stock up on baby wipes and disposable razors too, now?

MCBushbaby
11-05-2007, 11:40 PM
Is that true? If so anyone got a list of foods that will leave your evacuations more solid? I always drink when I eat and sometimes I have what I call the "molassess sh**'s", or sometimes I call them the "Smear'noffs".

Anyway, more solid bowels sounds good to me.

Goddammit, now I'll never be able to drink a Smirnoff without thinking of your juicy smudgescicles.

Sarge47
11-06-2007, 12:20 AM
He's a "wolf" for sure.

Stealth
11-06-2007, 12:32 AM
i always have used a deadfall and some leaves, just make sure you have enough of them nearby. nothing like finding out you arent clean enough and the nearest leaves are 20 feet away:p

FVR
11-06-2007, 12:33 AM
A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear asks the rabbit "hey rabbit, you have problems with poop sticking to your hair?"

The rabbit responds "why no bear, I don't have a problem with poop sticking to my hair."

So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his as s.

owl_girl
11-06-2007, 12:41 AM
ok guys... best advice ill probably ever give you. when youre out in the woods and stuff... to remain a clean bottom DO NOT DRINK ANYWHERE NEAR THE TIME YOU EAT and evaporate MOST of the water from your food. if you only eat pretty dry foods and you never have a drink with your food it will come out as turds instead of a sticky mess you wont even need to wipe and youll never get rashes.

Don’t dehydrate yourself, even if its just a little bit it’s still unhealthy in the long run.

explodingearth
11-06-2007, 02:48 AM
yea its true i do it all the time. dehydration isnt involved just dont drink while eating or afterwards unless you have to. drink 30 minutes to an hour before you eat and dont eat till an hour or so after or maybe a little more. also the foods that make it more solid as far as i know are SOLUABLE fibers. meaning the DIGESTABLE fibers. an example is peanuts youll havfe to research that more. the non digestable fiber will just make you **** allover.

Beo
11-06-2007, 09:08 AM
Goddammit, now I'll never be able to drink a Smirnoff without thinking of your juicy smudgescicles.

Now he won't save the "smudgescicles" for christmas decorations... lol... lol...
Man do we ever hit some topics, guess that's why I love this forum so much. And maybe it's not the questions you ask we are afraid to talk about... but just maybe we keep our bowel movements to ourselves... lol... except for you, and that little kiddies is more info on Otay than I want. Sarge, he's gotta be wolf cause those ain't tiger stripes in his tighty white'ies. And for your info I never had a problem with stink do there or getting the job I need done :D :D But hey matbe its not the smell she running... lol... lol... might be there ain't no tracks for the little guy... :D

MCBushbaby
11-06-2007, 10:11 AM
If you're going out for the long term and you have have a lake or river nearby, I recommend bringing a handkerchief or bandanna in a ziplock bag. You can wipe with them, wash them out, and pack them up. Reusable too, yes? They aren't call Doo Rags for nothing.



Well, the first wilderness dump proved to be one of the trickiest of my life. It started out as a warm, firm mud-snake creeping from my backside. After a half-foot or so, the snake lost its form and the pace quickened, ending in a fizzing, shooting burst of spurting liquid. Keeping the mess directed into the pit required a quick, fast moonwalk-sort of maneuver away from the bowl. While my trajectory was fairly accurate and I avoided soiling my drawers, I did manage to mess up both the back and front of the rim. (Note: subsequent wilderness dumps were primarily a loose, homogeneous material with the consistency of watery mud, allowing for improved aim.)

^ ew? lol? :s

trax
11-06-2007, 12:56 PM
why he wouldn't want to go squat in the woods, cuz by the time he's done the only thing left for the search party to find would be his shoes.

nell67
11-07-2007, 09:36 AM
ahhhh self love never hurt anyone Otay take it somewhere else.

Mr.Pickles
10-31-2008, 10:39 AM
To me, there is nothing sweeter than being in the middle of no-where, dropping your pants, placing your gun to the side of you and releasing last nights meal (or it could be a snack). It doesn't get any more American than that! :)

You could wipe your a$$ the same way the Iraqi's do it. A friend of mine who recently came back from a tour in Iraq, said that it was common knowledge over in Iraq that you don't shake anybody's right hand. If you notice on the news footage and other footage, nobody in Iraq shakes hands. Why, you ask? Well, because at a young age Iraqi's are taught to wipe their a$$es with their right hands. Does someone else have experience with this?

Also, I hope it never comes to this, but can you eat your own feces if your starving to death? I imagine that your feces has no nutritional value, since your upper & lower intestine has already used it up, but I was just wondering. Does anybody know?

HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL YOU JACK-O-LANTERNS

tsitenha
10-31-2008, 11:54 AM
Mr.Pickles, facts get the facts straight, it's the left hand that is used to wipe with.
No boy scouts there right Sarge:D

Eating feces?? what a load of crap!! Bear Grylls all over again

crashdive123
10-31-2008, 01:08 PM
Eating your own feces to survive?????

1. If you gone without eating for so long that you are even considering this, I doubt very seriously if you could produce any. If you can and are still considering it.......well I guess you're a sick and desperate basTURD.

2. If it comes to that, I will calmly make amends with my maker.....cause I'm gonna starve to death.

Nomad
10-31-2008, 01:10 PM
Poop in the woods long enough, and you'll figure out what works and what doesn't. moss is generally bad to use because you'll be itchin like crazy in about an hour from the dried pieces of moss left behind. tree leaves work good as does a handfull of tall grass stems folded in half. I try to stock up on napkins from fast food joints when I get a chance. there's a hundred ways to take care of business in the woods. The real quandry here is that were so far removed from basic living that we don't know how to do the basics without a flush toilet or little wipies for our tender wittle bottoms...

klkak
10-31-2008, 02:47 PM
A hand full or two of snow works.

tsitenha
10-31-2008, 03:39 PM
can't wait till fall/winter got to go now.

I prefer squatting, over a cat hole and lichen

Rick
10-31-2008, 06:52 PM
Just walk down a small sappling. (I just know someone is going to try this) (shaking his head).

wareagle69
10-31-2008, 07:48 PM
see i like aster leaves or meullin leaves both are rather large and work well, i don't like the idea of leaving toilet paper in the bush i know it biodegrades rather quckley just doesn't seem right to me

Sourdough
11-01-2008, 08:17 AM
Bless GOOGLEs little heart. They have to place advertising appropriate to the subject of conversation, so look up top. We talk about poop so they advertise the 2008 elections.

Is this a great country or what....??????

nell67
11-01-2008, 02:54 PM
Now thats funny,I don't care who you are!

Good one hopeak!

Runs With Beer
11-01-2008, 07:18 PM
I dont know about where you live, But dont use the mose around here. ONE word CHIGGERSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

crashdive123
11-01-2008, 07:54 PM
A friend of mine went hunting last season and got the brilliant idea to make a field expedient ghille suit with Spanish Moss....bad idea. As Runs With Beer says - chiggers! He said that he had seen other people using it as camaflauge, but what he didn't know is that they had harvested it and put it in the freezer to kill the chiggers.

Rick
11-01-2008, 07:59 PM
Man! Talk about masochistic tendencies. That would be the pits!

Fletcher
11-01-2008, 11:22 PM
A.. why not use paper?????????????????or a bandanna or a sock or your underware?

Mr.Pickles
11-02-2008, 02:02 AM
Eating your own feces to survive?????

1. If you gone without eating for so long that you are even considering this, I doubt very seriously if you could produce any. If you can and are still considering it.......well I guess you're a sick and desperate basTURD.

2. If it comes to that, I will calmly make amends with my maker.....cause I'm gonna starve to death.


Very true Crash, if you are starving, nothing much would come out, except maybe some slight "Country Crock" or "Go-Gurt" like discharge. But I agree with you, if it came to that, I feel that would be the time to meet my maker.

nell67
11-02-2008, 09:14 AM
From this day forward,I will never eat go-gurt again......:eek:

red lake
11-02-2008, 11:58 AM
no leaves up my way, I prefer pine cones....if there is no more traditional method available.

As far as method goes I prefer facing a tree, grabbing on and leaning back.

Most places I have travelled are the roads less travelled so I don't bury mine. I kick a few leaves or pine needles over top and then that's it. It decomposes much quicker like this. This would not work in a heavily used wilderness park but most of those place are likely to have thunder boxes.

Mr.Pickles
11-02-2008, 02:43 PM
no leaves up my way, I prefer pine cones....if there is no more traditional method available.

As far as method goes I prefer facing a tree, grabbing on and leaning back.

Most places I have travelled are the roads less travelled so I don't bury mine. I kick a few leaves or pine needles over top and then that's it. It decomposes much quicker like this. This would not work in a heavily used wilderness park but most of those place are likely to have thunder boxes.

Jesus Red Lake, I'd be scared to meet you in dark alley!:eek: J/K. Pine Cones LOL!!! I think Red Lake is really a Grizzly Bear who took some typing classes. LOL

Now what kind of tree are we talking here? A Pine tree, oak tree, give us some more detail.

Mr.Pickles
11-02-2008, 02:49 PM
From this day forward,I will never eat go-gurt again......:eek:

Hey Nell,

Sorry about the GO-GURT comment, I'm sorry that I defiled them for you forever. Have you ever tried freezing Go-Gurts? My Gosh, that is the best little after-dinner dessert, and somewhat healthy I might add. And because it will be a completely different consistency (frozen), maybe you can eat them again.

Yogurt in general, due to the natural bacterial cultures are extremely good for your bowels and your entire intestinal tract for that matter. I know that's pretty common knowledge, but if I can educate even one person on that, it's worth it.

Mr.Pickles
11-02-2008, 02:53 PM
A.. why not use paper?????????????????or a bandanna or a sock or your underware?

Yup, I'd be down to continue to tromp around in my socks and underwear that I just used to clean up my brown-star.

Sorry Fletcher, I just couldn't resist. You are right, if you have an excess of these items, you might as well use them for cleaning your A-hole, but when the SHTF, I don't know how many 'extras' you'll have lying around to clean your pooper with.

crashdive123
11-02-2008, 06:14 PM
Who would've thought that taking a ......., well going to the ........, um this subject would've attracted so many flies.

Cleankill47
11-03-2008, 01:40 AM
The way I figure is anything that can be made into a soft tinder bundle will make good woods TP (like the inner bark of cedar), other than that, nontoxic leaves always work fine...

Reiver
11-04-2008, 09:04 AM
Love this thread. Apologies for getting serious ;)

Otay if you're still there, you asked:

4. Washing my hands? Ok lets say I have no soap and I just got done emptying my colon. Lets also say I got some on my hand, now I don't want to have hands smelling like feces, so what do I do? I heard washing in a stream with sand or dirt will get your hands clean but I'm worried about having Mr. Hankey hands. Does washing with dirt/sand really get the smell to go away? I heard you can make soap from the ashes from your campfire anyone know how to do that?

You only need two ingredients to make lye soap: 1) an alkali and 2) an oil (NOT mineral oil)
The oil can be fish, animal fats, vegetable oils etc, just not mineral. The alkali is where your fire ash comes in. Burn either wood or maybe seaweed if on the coast. If you can get some pine resin from a tree, or maybe find and crush some horseradish root, it will make the soap antiseptic. Use a bit of trial and error to get the mix right in a bowl, or pannikin etc. NB: Start with mostly oil and add ash so you don't make a strong alkali mix which might burn your skin. The soap will keep for ages and will disinfect your hands etc.

Be careful about washing your 'bits' with this soap until you have the mix right, or you might join the Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire club :)

Mr.Pickles
11-04-2008, 07:13 PM
Since this thread is the most fun I've had since my last hunting/wheeling trip, I thought I'd add my thoughts about the latest marketing campaign and commercials.

I mean, what marketing genius came up with Metamucil's latest campaign slogan? If I were the C.E.O, this "marketing team" would be looking for new colon's to clean!

nell67
11-04-2008, 07:17 PM
Umm,Mr.Pickles,we do have members as young as 12 or 13 on the forum! Might want to edit your post.

Gray Wolf
11-04-2008, 09:36 PM
Mr.Pickles, we have members that are 12 years of age, please edit your post.

Sarge47
11-05-2008, 01:29 AM
Mr.Pickles, we have members that are 12 years of age, please edit your post.

Like Nell & Gray Wolf said! We have younger members here; we're not "all adults". I've deleted some of your post, & if I see any more I'll delete the whole post. This thread has brought out the worst in at least one former member who turned Troll as a result. So, I think I'll just lock this whole thread down.:cool: