What do you tell children?????????

[Jay]

How do you comfort children who's fathers have been taken away in a War? "your father was a brave man who fought for his country's freedom from terorism" dosnt seen to quite make it. When you are five years old
"Dad" is one of the Sun's that your world revolves around. How do you explain that he will not be comming home again???? I can deal with a lot of sutff but I cant deal with children. What should I tell them??

I guess I'm drunk again...............but I'd appreciate any help on the above qauestion.
rgds
j

[Pal334]

Has this actually occured, or a hypothetical?

[trax]

I don't mean to come across as harsh, Jay, but there simply aren't any good words. . When some of the pain dissipates for them with time, what will matter to them is that you were the guy who was there. That's what will be important, the person who cared.

[canid]

I don't mean to come across as harsh, Jay, but there simply aren't any good words. . When some of the pain dissipates for them with time, what will matter to them is that you were the guy who was there. That's what will be important, the person who cared.

i agree. there are no words fit for that kind of situation. it's one of life's many rock-hard life lessons that some people will have to face. supportive and understanding honesty is all there is, and there's no way to tell whether or how much it will help.

i mean no disrespect in my flimsy choice of wording, it's just the best i can do. i wish you the best.

[rebel_chick]

well, Jay, that is really a hard one. The child is probably to young to understand anything to complicated, I would keep it simple with something like daddy has gone to heaven. Atleast until they are a little older and can understand and appreciate that their dad fought and died to keep them safe. I know it saounds pretty lame, but their little minds are so fragile at this point and you wouldn't want to scare them. I have not personally dealt with this one so it all JMO. If this actually has happened, good luck to you and I am so sorry you had to deal with something like this. It is never easy.

[trax]

Actually RC, no disprespect meant but I disagree. I was six when my Dad died and when they told me, I understood completely.

[crashdive123]

Jay - I know that you're having a tough time. Losing a single person is tough, and I know that is mulitplied when there is a bigger loss. As others have said, there are no good words. As Trax said, being honest with them and there to support them is what will probably matter the most. To do that - you have to take care of yourself too my friend.

[wooly]

I guess I'm drunk again...............but I'd appreciate any help on the above qauestion.
rgds
j

Harsh as it may sound...quit getting drunk and think clearly and heartfelt about what you tell them happened to papa. You ain't helping anything going this road, only confusing your own thoughts and theirs at this point.

Get your head outta your a$$ and confront the questions you ask here sober.
The answers may come easier than you think or harder than you thought, but untill then you'll never know with a cloudy mind.

I feel for ya, but can't make excuses for ya.... It ain't your fault what happened, but you do have some explaining to do. hope you can figure this out soon. Best wishes.

[rebel_chick]

Ok Trax. Like I said I have no experience with it, I am just not so sure its a good idea for everyone. Thanks for putting in on the other side tho.

[COWBOYSURVIVAL]

My daughter is 6 and I can assure you being exactly honest is the only way. You can't BS her. She might accept a lie. But she will walk off knowing she has been lied to and she'll be back to call your bluff. I have found I have to be brutally honest, putting flowers around the truth doesn't make it any less horrible only more confusing to the child.

[Pal334]

Comforting a child who has lost a parent under any circumstance is hit and miss at best. A parent lost in war is especially hard. I would suggest that you explain in language at their age level generally what the parent was doing. Example, He was in the service of his country, trying to make it safe for all the children and adults. Make sure the child understands that their parent did not leave them because the child was bad. Stress the fact that the parent was serving to protect people. And sometimes this means that people will die. And assure the child that the parent is in the great beyond (heaven or however it is referred to in their culture) watching over them. Encourage the child to ask questions and answer them honestly. Tell them (if they ask) that the parent is not in any pain. Alot of hugs, and being with them when they cry and making sure they do not feel abandoned. If the parents comrades are in the community, encourage them to talk to the child, be a "Dutch Uncle".
Children are very resilient, they will learn to cope with the sacrifice of losing a parent. And by talking to them, they will continue to cherish the memories with the parent. And many hugs help to give them a sense of security.

Not a perfect answer, but I hope it helps

[Jay]

Has this actually occured, or a hypothetical?

It aint hypothetical pal. nineteen in one day. All students and friends. its been a few months......but it hasnt got any easier.

[Jay]

Thanks guys. appriciate the feedback.
j

[Pal334]

It aint hypothetical pal. nineteen in one day. All students and friends. its been a few months......but it hasnt got any easier.

My condolences. It won't get easier, but carry on in their memory, is the best way to memorialize them

[mountain mama]

My daughter was a bit younger when her daddy died. I think it depends upon the child themselves and what they are capable of understanding in how you present it to them. I hate to make this comparison, but it is like the sex talk. You start out with the basics and work your way up with regard to what they are able to understand at the time. You don't start out talking sperms and eggs with a 5-yr-old, you start with appropriately naming body parts. You are still being honest with the child, without overwhelming them.

My suggestion would be to discuss this with a professional, someone who has experience with this sort of situation.

[rwc1969]

I was 5 when my dad died and i'd want my folks to be honest with me. They were! I understood well enough and when I was old enough to fully understand I didn't feel lied to. Can't say the same about Santa Claus. They all lied!

[nell67]

How do you comfort children who's fathers have been taken away in a War? "your father was a brave man who fought for his country's freedom from terorism" dosnt seen to quite make it. When you are five years old
"Dad" is one of the Sun's that your world revolves around. How do you explain that he will not be comming home again???? I can deal with a lot of sutff but I cant deal with children. What should I tell them??

I guess I'm drunk again...............but I'd appreciate any help on the above qauestion.
rgds
j
My approach was to tell the truth,even though my son was 2 months old when his dad died,I still said the words.I kept pictures up for him to see what his father looked like,even after I jumped into a marriage 3 years later,and still told him the truth.
When he became old enough to ask questions about how and why,I answered those questions truthfully.

I went through the heavy drinking thing too Jay,even before I was 21,and it didn't help,because the drunker I got,the more I concentrated on what I was trying to drink away.

[trax]

Harsh as it may sound...quit getting drunk and think clearly and heartfelt about what you tell them happened to papa. You ain't helping anything going this road, only confusing your own thoughts and theirs at this point.

Get your head outta your a$$ and confront the questions you ask here sober.....



I don't imagine he'd be drunk when he's going to talk to the kids and I do imagine he'd give some time to sober reflection before doing so, because I've kind of gotten to know the guy through here. Walk a mile in his mocassins, dude.

[mountain mama]

I don't think wooly meant to insinuate that Jay would be drunk when he spoke with the children, only that he could think through what he can say clearer with a sober mind.

I too did the drinking thing when my first husband died and it only made matters worse. I think Nell and I are just saying that we have walked a mile in those moccasins and know that the alcohol doesn't necessarily anesthetize the pain.