Joke of the day. [Archive] - Wilderness Survival Forums

Ridge Wolf

06-18-2008, 08:00 PM

Wilderness Comments

These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake.
Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."

Sam Reeves

06-18-2008, 10:51 PM

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me There was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm Serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards Was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I Immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having Babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
Voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
The best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
Of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug it disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (you see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy Is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I SUGGESTED SCIENTIFICALLY.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not In labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. and occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just The way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this

'So, Ernie's just just . . . Excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman i married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
__________________

chiggersngrits

06-19-2008, 01:12 AM

now thats funny.:D gives a whole new meaning to the phrase," i gotta go drain the lizard".:eek:

Ridge Wolf

06-19-2008, 02:55 AM

LMAO!! Was it a gecko? Geckos have insurance ya know.. :D

Sarge47

06-19-2008, 03:59 AM

That's (sniff) the most heartwarming(sob) love story I've ever heard since "Brokeback Mountain"!:(:rolleyes::D

Ole WV Coot

06-19-2008, 12:08 PM

Thisin is even tough to tell: This very elderly lady lived all alone. She had outlived her husband, children and all her friends. She had nothing to do because the town she lived in was so small the only newspaper was one sheet and was only printed on one side. One evening sitting all alone in her big house she decided to end it all and found her late husband's pistol and decided she was going to shoot herself thru heart. In her state of abject sorrow the poor old lady couldn't remember where her heart was. She pondered this and decided to call her doctor. She asked, "Dr. where is one's heart? The Dr said "your heart is on your left side, just under your breast." She thanked him, hung up and quickly placed the pistol under her left breast and pulled the trigger. This caused a stir in the little town. The one page newspaper finally had a headline and this is it: ELDERLY WOMAN SHOOTS SELF IN LEFT KNEE, now if that don't bring a tear to your eye nothing will.:(:(

crashdive123

06-19-2008, 12:14 PM

Saw it coming with the call to the doc. Still LMAO!

Ridge Wolf

06-19-2008, 03:52 PM

Eeeeeewwwww! That was bad... really bad Coot.. :D LMAO

trax

06-19-2008, 05:21 PM

@SamR: yeah all of a sudden I said to myself "lizards lay eggs" so glad I read through to the end, lol

@Coot: that's downright nasty :)

Little Johnny passes by a farmer in his field, he's carrying a roll of duck tape. The farmer asks him what he's up to "gonna get some ducks" says Johnny. Farmer says "Johnny, you can't get ducks with duck tape" Couple of hours later, Johnny comes back with a couple of ducks.

Next day Johnny walks by with some chicken wire. The farmer chuckles "going to get some chickens Johnny?" "Yep" The farmer shakes his head, "boy, you don't get chickens with chicken wire" Couple of hours later, Johnny walks by with a couple of dead chickens.

Next day Johnny walks by with a bunch of pussy-willows in his hand. Farmer grabs his hat and says, "Hang on Johnny, I'm coming with you"

dragonjimm

06-19-2008, 07:03 PM

yep.

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies
out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady ... "I'd better go back and see if I
can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my yard backs up to the
sixth fairway of the Municipal Golf Course. A lot of golfers come and
pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell: '$20 or off
it comes!'"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's
in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."

snakeman

07-01-2008, 01:45 AM

I've got one.

A pessimist and his friend are gonna go duck hunting and the friend goes to get a good dog. The friend asks the kennel owner for his best dog and gives him one that he says can walk on water. The friend wants proof so the kennel owner and the pessimist's friend go to the pond and the dog proves to walk on water. The next day the pessimist and his friend go hunting and shoot a duck so the friend sends his dog to go get it. He runs across the water and runs back with the duck. The friend says "Do you notice anything unusual about my dog?" to the pessimist and the pessimist says "Your dog can't swim."

dilligaf2u2

07-01-2008, 02:29 AM

Why do meirmaids wear sea shells??

B shells would be to small and D shells would be too big!

Don

TrappinGal

07-10-2008, 04:03 AM

Never , ever tick off a nurse

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed.....

"Not with a carnation."

LOL

Beowulf65

07-10-2008, 01:53 PM

http://a935.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/3/m_d96c53e15f5865d5d32b75c6438faa76.gif
How's that:D lol.... now that's funny... lol...

trax

07-10-2008, 05:30 PM

Oh yeah, she's gonna fit right in, good one TrappinGal.

TrappinGal

07-10-2008, 08:53 PM

http://www.emmitsburg.net/humor/pictures/2007/image0021.jpg

i hate to admit it, but even i had to laugh out loud on this one. :D

TrappinGal

07-10-2008, 09:03 PM

The Tax Man.

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied th e auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete _______." LOL

Rick

07-16-2008, 11:02 PM

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

crashdive123

07-16-2008, 11:48 PM

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

Rick

07-17-2008, 12:02 AM

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower !

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison ....

Ridge Wolf

07-17-2008, 02:33 AM

HOW MANY LAWYERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
A. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." .....the end

Ridge Wolf

07-17-2008, 02:39 AM

I cleaned this up a little... kids on here ya know.

PSYCHOLOGICAL STUDIES OF MEN IN PUBLIC RESTROOMS
You may expect to find one or more of the following behaviors in a men's room at any time.
1. EXCITABLE: shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2. SOCIABLE: joins friends in a piss whether he has to or not.
3. CROSSEYED: looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is hung.
4. TIMID: cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.
5. INDIFFERENT: all urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6. CLEVER: no hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.
7. WORRIED: not sure where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8. PLAYFUL: plays stream up. down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
9. ABSENT MINDED: opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10. CHILDISH: pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11. SNEAK: farts silently when pissing, acts very innocent, knows man at next stall will get blamed.
12. PATIENT: stands very close for a long time while waiting, reads with free hand.
13. DESPARATE: waits in long line, legs crossed, pisses in pants.
14. TOUGH: bangs d*** on side of urinal to dry it.
15. EFFICIENT: wait til he has to s***, then does both.
16. FAT: backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
17. Little: Stands on box.
18. Drunk: holds left thumb in right hand. Pisses in pants.
19. DISGRUNTLED: stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20. CONCEITED: holds two-inch d*** like a baseball bat.

nell67

07-20-2008, 01:19 AM

Speeding in Indiana:

1) Good:
A Greenwood,IN policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'. The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' . . . and a bucket full of money. (And we kids used to just sell lemonade!)

2) Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post on I-65 in Indiana. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

3) Absolute Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Indiana State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.' He replied ' Indiana State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car

rebel

07-20-2008, 01:24 AM

That's funny!

crashdive123

07-20-2008, 01:25 AM

Hey speaking of ....... where's Beo? (JK Beo :D)

Ridge Wolf

07-23-2008, 07:00 AM

For all you moose hunters out there

384

Ridge Wolf

07-23-2008, 07:08 AM

Indiana State Troopers don't have balls eh..:D

Never underestimate Nells sense of humor... it's a killer! :D LMAO!

nell67

07-23-2008, 12:03 PM

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember - - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

crashdive123

07-23-2008, 12:07 PM

I can really relate to #21 LOL.

Rick

07-23-2008, 05:05 PM

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, '"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

crashdive123

07-25-2008, 02:49 AM

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

___________________

Reply from dad...
Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

Gray Wolf

07-25-2008, 06:09 PM

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

TrappinGal

07-25-2008, 06:39 PM

and notice theyre both men. lol

TrappinGal

07-25-2008, 06:40 PM

he shoulda sked a woman, wed coulda told him exactly where he was,lol

wareagle69

07-25-2008, 07:13 PM

a fire fighter cleaning his truck outside of the sation notices a little girl going buy with a red wagon with ladders hanging off the side and a neatly coiled hose in the wagon, pulling the wagon is a dog and a cat.
firefighter says to the little girl "say thats a nice wagon" girl smiles politely and says"thankyou"
the firefighter notices that the dog is attached to the wagon with a rope to his collar white the kitty is attached by a rope to his testicles
so the firefighter says"far be it from me to tell someone how to run their rig but ya might go fatser if the cat was attached by his collar also"
so the little girl looks at him thoughtfully as replies" true but if i did that i wouldn't have a siren".

crashdive123

07-25-2008, 08:51 PM

he shoulda sked a woman, wed coulda told him exactly where he was,lol

....or where to go?

TrappinGal

07-25-2008, 09:14 PM

....or where to go?

that too if necessary........ :D

crashdive123

07-26-2008, 02:08 AM

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"

Sarge47

07-26-2008, 04:18 AM

This blonde lady decided that she was going to try her hand at Ice Fishing; so she bought all the gear, headed out on the ice and began to drill with her ice auger. Suddenly a loud voice boomed from above: "There are no fish under the ice!"
It scared her so bad she dropped everything & ran over to her local Starbucks for a cup of coffee to help settle her nerves. After a couple of cups she decided to go back & try a different spot. So she went back, picked up her gear, & moved to a new spot. She just got the auger into position when the deep voice from above boomed again: "There are NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!"
She looked up nervously and asked: "Is that you, God?"
The voice came back: "No...I own this Ice Skating Rink!":D:D:D:D

Rick

07-26-2008, 01:00 PM

A guy walked out of his house on the way to work. As he walked down the steps he notice a snail slowly climbing up the steps. He picked up the snail, looked it over, and gave it a fling over the roof.

The poor snail went flying through the air and landed in the back yard. The landing knocked him senseless. He laid there for a while until he could pull himself together then he headed back around the house.

It took more than a year but he finally made it back to the front steps. As luck would have it, the guy was heading to out to work. He saw the snail and bent down to pick it up. The snail looked up at him and said, "A$$hole?"

Revenge is sweet!

Sarge47

07-26-2008, 08:23 PM

My wife says this one has been a big hit on one of her forums:
A Muslim, lost in the American coutryside, found himself desperately in need of water. As luck would have it, he stumbled onto a farm owned by an Amish fellow. Spying a pool of waer, the Muslim quickly dashed over to it and began lapping up the water as a dog might do. The Amish farmer spotted the individual & proceeded to wave his arms while yelling in his native tounge, which happened to be German, that the water pool was where his pigs urinated; & he knew how Muslims felt about pork.

The Muslim couldn't understand, & stood up & angrily replied: "I am Muslim & I only speak Farsi & English. If you must speak to me, infidel, then please do so in either of those two languages as I don't understand a word of your Gibberish!" The Amish fellow was taken aback, thought about it, then said in English: "I was trying to tell you that if you scoop up the water in both hands you'll be able to drink a lot more.":eek::D:rolleyes::cool:

Rick

07-26-2008, 08:55 PM

A elderly couple were having dinner at a restaurant when the husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," says he. "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy idea but why not?"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, thinks I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, the old man drops his trousers and they have a go at it.

Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

"My God!" thought the policeman. "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen!" Surely, he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching, thinks, "I've got to ask them what their secret is."

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

"Secret?" asked the old man in a shaky voice. "Yeah, fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Rick

07-31-2008, 03:48 PM

Do you happen to know why?

When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?

Because she smells like a new truck!

nell67

08-04-2008, 01:37 PM

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love,
couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. "I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him
25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes
of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN S**T! SIT YOUR A** DOWN, SHUT THE HECK UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A** ISN'T GOING TO A DARN BAR! THAT S**T IS OVER, GOT IT, JACK***?"

and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP

:D:D

wareagle69

08-04-2008, 01:51 PM

that hurt just reading it, no seriuosly it hurt my eyes just reading it, boy you woman sure know how to make a man suffer

Ole WV Coot

08-04-2008, 02:17 PM

MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP

After 43yrs I still hurt reading something like that. Pain you women inflict is dreadful. Any wonder Native Americans would turn their captives over to the women for torture. Years ago if we had TV dinners, microwaves, instant coffee and weekend woman rental lots of
us still might be single. NOT ME, JUST IN CASE SHE WALKS IN AND READS OVER MY SHOULDER

nell67

08-04-2008, 02:22 PM

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive - so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started....
************************************************** **********************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************** **************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************** **************************
****

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

Gray Wolf

08-04-2008, 04:42 PM

Oh nell lol, you're on a roll!!!

nell67

08-04-2008, 04:49 PM

Figured it was time to lighten it up around here a bit.;)

bumblingoutback

08-04-2008, 09:36 PM

what do you get when you cross an overfriendly cable installer and an irritable yet saucy tyke? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSPvQ2Kb484

crashdive123

08-05-2008, 03:04 AM

The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC: "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous...even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.
Sincerely, (Campground Owner)

trax

08-05-2008, 10:02 PM

Two international scientist, one fellow from England and the other from the Czech Republic, journeyed out to the foothills of the Canadian Rockies to study the wildlife. They were warned several times about the dangers, but in the spirit of fellowship of the international scientific community, red tape was cut aside and off they went.

A couple of weeks later, when they didn't call in to their base camp, a SAR group went out looking for them. They found their camp in total disarray and no sign of either scientist. They discovered the tracks of two adult grizzlies. They immediately got on the radio and a professional hunter and tracker was brought in. He tracked the bears and discovered that it was a male and a female. He managed to shoot the female and they choppered her remains out. Conclusive DNA evidence told them that the remains of the Englishman were in the female's digestive tract. This led the investigators to only one possible logical conclusion:

"The Czech's in the male"

nell67

08-05-2008, 10:05 PM

Good one Trax!

nell67

08-21-2008, 07:11 PM

Today is International Weird-A** People's Day.

http://f324.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f56622%5fAMLPjkQAAPLfSK15AQzMrlVSS uY&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

I don't care if you lick windows,
Sniff toilet seats
Or occasionally sh*t yourself...

You hang in there Sunshine,
You're frigging special !!!!

trax

08-21-2008, 07:40 PM

A plane crashes on a deserted island and all that survives is one guy, a dog and a sheep. Well, after several months of isolation the guy's starting to eyeball the sheep, thinking it's looking better all the time. But every time he tries to get near the sheep, the dog bares it's teeth and starts snarling and growling. So the guy's afraid to try anything.

A few weeks of this frustration and the guy sees another plane crash in the ocean. The only survivor washes ashore and it's Hilary Clinton. The guy and the dog pull her out of the water and she sets up camp with the three of them. After several weeks, they're sitting watching the sunset over the Pacific and the guy turns to Hilary and says

"I'd like you to do something really special for me"

Hilary responds in her sexiest husky voice and says "anything....anything at all"

The guy says "Would you mind taking that dog for a walk to the other side of the island?"

Beowulf65

08-21-2008, 07:43 PM

Now that's funny... lol...
Yeah she is fugly as he11... lol...

Sarge47

08-22-2008, 12:35 AM

Rick

08-22-2008, 12:47 AM

I saw a CCT production last night called Corner Gas. Man was that thing funny. First time I"ve ever seen it. Bravo Canada!

erunkiswldrnssurvival

08-22-2008, 01:51 AM

Thats going to be a good joke tomorow too, Ha!

nell67

08-22-2008, 08:10 AM

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth f loor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

crashdive123

08-22-2008, 11:33 PM

Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support Employee (CSE)

Customer Support Employee (CSE): May I help you?

Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

CSE: What sort of trouble?

Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

CSE: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Customer: Nothing.

CSE: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

Customer: How do I tell?

CSE: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Customer: What's a sea-prompt?

CSE: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

CSE: Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Customer: What's a monitor?

CSE: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

Customer: I don't know.

CSE: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

Customer: Yes, I think so.

CSE: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Customer: I can't. It's dark out here.

CSE: Dark?

Customer: There's a power outage.

CSE: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in with?

Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

CSE: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Customer: Really? Is it that bad?

CSE: Yes, I'm afraid it is.

Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

CSE: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

nell67

08-31-2008, 08:31 PM

West Virginia Farm Kid
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you
until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

crashdive123

08-31-2008, 08:37 PM

Nice........

Rick

09-01-2008, 03:59 PM

WHO IS JACK SCHITT ?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

Sarge47

09-01-2008, 05:31 PM

WOW! That's a lotta schitt!:rolleyes:

nell67

09-01-2008, 05:54 PM

good one Rick!

Rick

09-02-2008, 05:19 PM

"AND DON'T FORGET THE TIP"

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card'.

It would be nice if everyone would do their part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person and tell them you care.

Since you are reading this...I care. My job here is done.

Rick

09-02-2008, 11:30 PM

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris , but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

crashdive123

09-03-2008, 12:01 AM

Nice........

nell67

09-03-2008, 12:38 AM

http://www.wilderness-survival.net/forums/showthread.php?t=4086

Rick

09-03-2008, 12:43 AM

Oh, man!!! Now THAT'S funny!!!

nell67

09-03-2008, 12:45 AM

I thought so too :D

crashdive123

09-03-2008, 12:51 AM

Good one Nell. Very, very nice.

trax

09-03-2008, 03:26 PM

Nicely done MDN :D

crashdive123

09-04-2008, 03:05 AM

Camping Turtles

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they’ve forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You’ve gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won’t," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there’s still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I’m not going!"

laughing beetle

09-04-2008, 04:41 AM

Bwahahahahahaa!!!!:d:d

nell67

09-05-2008, 01:35 AM

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a HUGE fan of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game and
you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside
chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst of endless family gatherings).

However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my
best interests at heart, I feel that your influence
has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls/Text Messages: While I agree with you
that communication is important. I question the
suggestion that conversation after 2 a.m. can have
much substance or necessity. Why would you make me
call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they
DO NOT want to hear from me during the day,
let alone all hours of the night.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why
do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce
along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips
(washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat
AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an
eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this
time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me
that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I
see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to
fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black
& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the
next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never
take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key
into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This
is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our
previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But,
the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
(face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn
or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no
way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
now and would like to ensure that we remain on good
terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the
provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the
extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above and address them
immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible
solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.

Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan

P.S. Please take e a moment or two and note the
following items below that I think may be of some
interest to you.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:
1. Thanks but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Would you like a soft taco?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

laughing beetle

09-05-2008, 02:05 AM

HA! (snort!!!) Coffee went up my nose!!!:)

crashdive123

09-05-2008, 02:10 AM

Bear Alert

In case anyone is considering doing some camping this spring or summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

nell67

09-05-2008, 02:12 AM

Guess those bells are actually grizz dinner bells then,eh?:D

erunkiswldrnssurvival

09-05-2008, 02:53 AM

I guess your better off being a bell than the person wearing it

Gray Wolf

09-05-2008, 03:01 AM

Uh, think ya missed the joke........

erunkiswldrnssurvival

09-05-2008, 03:07 AM

One day a Grizzly bear was using the bathroom in the woods. A rabbit happened to hop by. The Grizzly said Rabbit, does dung stick to your fur? The Rabbit answered: Why no mr bear dung doesnt stick to my fur!The Bear answered and said: Good i need something to wipe with!

Rick

09-11-2008, 01:35 PM

The Hypnotist at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Home and the
Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from many
Senior Homes to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he
announced,

'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up
here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each
and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family five or six
generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and
forth while quietly chanting,

'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch .'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds
of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'Sh1t!,' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the old folks home

Rick

09-11-2008, 02:00 PM

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh1t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE H*LL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my boys nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative!

SON-OF-A-BE OCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I crapped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my boys and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

klkak

09-11-2008, 06:08 PM

ROFLMAO, I would have paid money to see that. You should send that to Jeff Foxworthy or Bill Engvall.

Sarge47

09-11-2008, 10:21 PM

Did this really happen to you? My wife had read the same thing almost word for word on another forum...or maybe that was you as well?:cool:

Rick

09-11-2008, 11:24 PM

Nope. Just a joke. Someone sent it to me. I thought it was pretty funny so I thought I'd share it. My wife doesn't need a taser. She can handle herself pretty well. At least I know where my place is. I don't know about anyone else.:o

crashdive123

09-12-2008, 12:37 AM

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".The other replied, "No, it's not!".The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."

klkak

09-12-2008, 02:31 AM

THE BEAR AND THE ATHEIST

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7ft grizzly charging toward him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!... Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then the bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but could you perhaps make the bear a Christian? "Very well," said the voice. The light went out.

Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."

crashdive123

09-12-2008, 03:07 AM

Very funny.

nell67

09-12-2008, 11:25 PM

This is so funny,give it a listen.

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf (http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf)

crashdive123

09-13-2008, 12:11 AM

LMAO - wish I could have seen it.

nell67

09-13-2008, 12:12 AM

no video,only audio with it,sorry.

crashdive123

09-13-2008, 12:13 AM

No - I wish I had been there to see it.

nell67

09-13-2008, 12:21 AM

I know,and you know that someone somewhere has this on their cell phone,now if only they'd put it up on youtube:)

crashdive123

09-13-2008, 12:25 AM

I can just picture somebody like Larry the Cable Guy doing this.

Sarge47

09-18-2008, 01:21 AM

A man named Bill ran into a guy he knew from High School only to find him quite changed. He was dressed in a pirate's outfit, had a peg-leg, his right hand had been replaced with a hook, had an eye-patch over one eye, & a parrot on his shoulder. "Jim," he said, "what's up with you? You look like a pirate!"

"That's right matey!" Jim snarled in his best pirate's voice. I joined up with a pirate crew right after high school!"

"Wow!" Bill replied, "How'd you lose the leg?"

"Well we attacked this ship & during a sword fight with a guy I made a blunder & he cut off my leg! So I replaced it with this peg!" Jim answered.

"Man, that's tough! How'd you lose the arm?" Bill asked.

"Well in the next sword fight I had after I'd put the peg-leg on, I slipped with it because I wasn't used to it and the guy I was fighting cut off my right hand! So I replaced it with a hook!"

"Wow!" Bill said, "And what happened to your eye?"

"Oh, that. Well I was in the Crow's nest & I looked up at a seagull & he crapped in it!"

Bill got a puzzled look on his face. "Seagull poop makes you go blind?" he asked.

Jim looked a bit embarrassed. "It does when you forget you're right hand is a hook!":eek:

erunkiswldrnssurvival

09-18-2008, 03:49 AM

let us learn how to use our hands when among seagulls.

crashdive123

09-18-2008, 03:52 AM

......or not look up......and be real glad that cows don't fly.

trax

09-18-2008, 04:48 PM

......or not look up......and be real glad that cows don't fly.

they don't? what about buffalo wings? huh? huh?

crashdive123

09-18-2008, 09:10 PM

I concede your point.

http://www.worth1000.com/entries/263500/263565VbDA_w.jpg

Sarge47

09-18-2008, 10:24 PM

There was a lion who was drinking at a watering hole in Africa when a chimpanzee spotted him, noticing that the Lion had his hind parts sticking up in the air. Quickly the Chimp ran up to the lion and kicked him really hard in the butt! The Lion let out a roar & chased the Chimp across the meadow. The Chimp ran as fast as he could while the lion chased him, gaining ground a little at a time. The Chimp quickly climbed up a tree, but the lion followed. The Chimp climbed higher to some of the weaker branches & gained some distance as he jumped from tree to tree; but the Lion was still on his trail. Suddenly the Chimp spotted a hunters camp set up in a clearing & quickly ran through a tent, grabbing a Pith Helmet as he went through. He quickly put the helmet on, jumped up & sat in an empty chair, grabbing a newspaper he pretended to read.
The lion leaped into the middle of the compound, only to get a confused look on his face. "Has anybody seen a crazy Chimpanzee run through here?"

The Chimp couldn't resist and said: "Is that the chimp that kicked that big dumb old lion in the butt?"

The Lion got a weird look on his face & said: "Is that in the paper already?":eek:

Proud American

09-19-2008, 01:07 AM

crashdive123

09-19-2008, 02:53 AM

A couple took a vacation to a national park with excellent fishing. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. The wife used the opportunity to take the boat out. She did not know (or care) that several areas of the lake were closed to fishing. She rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Before long a park ranger in his boat pulled up alongside her and greeted her with: "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replied as she thought to herself, "is this guy blind, or what?"

"You're in a no-fishing area," he informed her.

"But, ranger, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"But you have all this equipment, ma'am. I'll have to take you in and arrest you."

"If you do I'll turn around and charge you with sexual assault," snapped the irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," shot back the ranger.

"Yes, that's true . . . but you have all the equipment."

erunkiswldrnssurvival

09-19-2008, 03:19 AM

There was three men that got stranded in the desert, each decided to carry something to help them to survive. The first guy brought with him the radiator from the car. the second guy brought the battery and the stereo,and the third guy carried one of the car doors.After hiking 20 miles they stoped to rest. the first guy asked the second guy"why did you carry the battery"? he answered, so we could hear the weather reports.Wht did you carry the radiator? the first guy said" to drink from when we get thirsty.the third guy poped up and said,"I brought the car door so if it got hot we could roll down the window"!

Rick

10-03-2008, 12:37 PM

This one is for Coot...

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. ?He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.

The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's a$$?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.

Dennis K.

10-03-2008, 04:00 PM

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant Marines. They come to the bar and order five bottles of beer and ten glasses. They take their order over and sit down at a large table. The caps are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon three more Marines arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more Marines show up and soon their voices are are joined in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally the tenth Marine comes in with a picture under his arm, he walks over to the table, and sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit the bartender asks one of the Marines, "Whats all the chanting and celebration about?"

The Marine who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that Marines are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought this puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days."
_________________

so there was this experiment for military pilots.
Some doctors were testing the effects of brain damage on pilot's ability to fly a mission. They had developed a machine that would instantly remove a portion of the brain.
During the testing, they had a USAF pilot in the air, flying along, fully coherent, and singing "off we go, into the wild Blue yonder!"
The docs activated the machine, which instantly removed 1/3 of his brain. The plane bobbled, but the pilot was fine. The only noticeable difference was that he was now singing "Anchors A- weigh, my boy, Anchors A-Weigh..."
The docs were truly amazed and again activated the machine, which removed another 1/3 of his brain. The plane bobbled, but the pilot was otherwise fine. Only change was that he was now singing "over hill, over dale...."
So the docs, just thrilled with the results of their experiment, activated the machine again, removing the last 1/3 of the pilots brain. The plane immediately nose-dived, and the last thing they heard over the radio was "From the halls of Montezuma....

Fletcher

10-04-2008, 12:52 AM

I know some Recons. that might be mad about that..............
no wait i forgot they can't read!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

crashdive123

10-04-2008, 11:39 PM

Slow golfers are ahead of us
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

laughing beetle

10-06-2008, 05:51 AM

Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!!

chiye tanka

10-06-2008, 07:03 AM

That's just wrong Crash!:D

nell67

10-20-2008, 12:08 AM

Buttocks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
Man's face was severely burned The doctor told the
Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
From her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
Would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they
Requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After
All, this was a very delicate matter After the surgery was
Completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his
Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was
Overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied,
'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother Kiss you on the cheek.'

crashdive123

10-20-2008, 12:10 AM

Rotflmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rick

10-20-2008, 12:18 AM

Now that there is funny I don't care who you are.

laughing beetle

10-20-2008, 01:03 AM

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Sarge47

10-20-2008, 02:27 AM

...but a Goodie!

Back in the Gold Rush of 1849 an out-of-work drifter named Bob, found himself in Cripple Creek, Colorado. Being "stone-broke" he was wondering what he was going to do when he noticed a sign posted in the window of a near-by saloon that read: "Bartender Wanted". He quickly applied for & got the job. The owner was a friendly fellow who was quick to give the drifter all the low-down.

"Here's what ya got to remember," he was told, " your going to get some saddle bums in here who are going to want credit; give 'em a beer & send them on their way. You're going to get a prospector or two once in a while who's struck a big strike & wants to celebrate. Somebody else might want his gold and there might be some gun-play; just remember to keep yer head down & let the marshal take care of it. But if you ever hear somebody say: 'BIG JOHN'S A-COMIN'!' then you get the blazes out of here quicker 'n lightnin'"

Well, over the next several months it went just like the owner said with the saddle bums & the gun-play between the prospectors. Then, one day, someone stuck their head over the bat-wing doors & yelled: "RUN FER YER LIVES! BIG JOHN'S A-COMIN'!" Quick as a flash the place was empty. Bob had been in the back, bringin out a keg of beer when he heard the dreaded cry. He struggled getting the keg in place, took off his apron, threw it on the bar, & ran for the doors. He'd just pushed them open when he saw the most fearsome sight he'd ever seen in his life. Comin' down the street was the biggest, meanest, mangiest looking man he'd ever thought could exist! The man was over seven feet tall & about 400 lbs of solid muscle. He had guns in holsters all over his body. He was riding a mean-looking grizzly bear and had a mountain lion on a leash walking in front of him. He pulled up to the saloon, dismounted, & kicked the Griz squarely in his furry butt. "YOU STINK!" The huge guy yelled. Then he did the same to the mountain lion. "YOU STINK TOO!" He yelled. Bob quickly dashed inside, grabbed his apron, put it on, & got behind the bar, trembling like crazy.

"BAR-KEEP! GIMMIE A BOTTLE OF YOUR CHEAPEST, CRAPPIEST, ROT-GUT!"

Bob quickly placed a bottle of bar-whiskey in front of the giant & watched in horror as he placed the corked neck of the bottle in his mouth & bit the end of it off, then spat it out into the nearest spittoon. He then poured the whole thing down his throat in about 5 seconds & threw the empty bottle at the long mirror right behind Bob, shattering it to pieces. He turned to go, when Bob decided to be friendly & asked: "would you care for another?"

The big guy quickly spun around on his heel, glared menacingly at Bob, then looked really scared as he said: "I CAN'T, I GOTTA GO! BIG JOHN'S A-COMIN'!":D

BraggSurvivor

10-21-2008, 09:01 PM

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.

BraggSurvivor

10-22-2008, 02:42 AM

Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
They're very bitter.

Why do cannibals prefer eating readers to writers?
Because writers cramp but readers digest.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the woods?

Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and say, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone's eaten.

The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't you done eating yet?" The 2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now."

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food?
He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.

One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like!

What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
A celebrity roast.

Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant?
Dinner costs an arm and a leg.

Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture?
Eatin' Allen's.

What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.

What is a cannibal's favorite game?
Swallow the leader.

What do cannibals make out of politicians?
Bologna sandwiches.

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?

Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I hate my mother-in-law." The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes.

Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.

laughing beetle

10-22-2008, 02:45 AM

hehhehheh...mother in laws... heeheehee...uncles in the woods...oh man....:D:D

crashdive123

10-22-2008, 03:30 AM

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary was incredulous, and said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're going to eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The laughing missionary said, "I just peed in their soup!"

laughing beetle

10-22-2008, 03:32 AM

:eek:Bwahahahahaha!!!:D:D

nell67

10-23-2008, 12:27 AM

:confused::confused::confused:

laughing beetle

10-23-2008, 12:49 AM

Nell, that is so true!! LOL!!

Runs With Beer

10-23-2008, 02:36 AM

Im kind of lost for words, You guys are kinda funny.

Sarge47

11-21-2008, 11:33 PM

The first man had married a woman from Mississippi and told her that
she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a
clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Michigan .
He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes, and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done,
and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a beautiful girl from Louisiana .
He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes
washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for
every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't
see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down
and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a
sandwich and load the dishwasher.:eek::D:rolleyes::cool:

Sarge47

11-24-2008, 01:24 AM

...hope you like it.

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster
says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!!
So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and
there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

:D:D:D:D

crashdive123

11-24-2008, 03:12 AM

Nice...........:D

Dennis K.

11-24-2008, 02:56 PM

Three Blondes walk into a bar.
The first says to the bartender "I'll have a BL!"
The bartenders says "A what?"
"You know. A BL. a Bud Light! duh!"
The second blonde says "I'll have a CL!"
The bartender thinks for a second, then says "Coors Light?"
She says "well, yeah. duh!"
The third blonde looks at the bartender and says "I'll have a 15."
The bartender thinks. And thinks. And thinks. Finally he says "I give up. What's a '15' ?"
She rolls her eyes and says "A 7 & 7. Duh!"

trax

11-24-2008, 05:24 PM

Nice one Dennis.

crashdive123

11-25-2008, 12:17 AM

Short Quiz

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are NOT that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

trax

11-25-2008, 04:19 PM

what does it mean if you got all the questions right?

nell67

11-27-2008, 03:06 AM

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said: 'Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the
field.'

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son. 'What's wrong?' the father asked. 'I told you to be
quiet.'

The boy, bless his heart, answered;

'Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.

I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.

I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.

I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.

I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.

I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my pants legs and said,

'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'

Well, I guess I just panicked...'

crashdive123

11-27-2008, 03:15 AM

Two hunters were walking through the woods. one of them fell down and grabbed his chest like he was in great pain. His friend had a cell phone with and called the operater. He said, I need help, i think my friend is dead. She said calm down I can help! first, make sure he is dead. The operated waited, and then heard a gun shot. He came back on the phone and said, now what?

RangerXanatos

11-27-2008, 03:19 AM

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed
it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that,
since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear
of
me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at
the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it
should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its
head
(to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up - 3 of them. I picked out..
..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw..
..my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a
good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could
tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it…took a step away. I put a little tension on
the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand
there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action
when
you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could
fight
down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no
controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my
feet and
started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a
deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other
animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk
me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few
minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out
of
the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed
venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that
rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that
moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling
was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various
large
rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough
to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount
of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn’t want the deer
to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in
between my truck and the feeder – a little trap I h