some advice?

[Antonyraison]

Hey guys,
I know like talking about my issues in a public forum may not be the greatest thing ever,
But I do feel there are a lot OF men here with a whole lot more life experience than myself.
Basically here is my scenario,
about 2 and a half years ago, I put an end to a relationship I had with a Girl for lying and cheating on me basically.
My friends also became friends with this person, and still remain friends with her, its actually quiet sad to me as the situation in my mind would make people choose a side (well generally they do in my experiences) I am bombarded with social media with them going out to the kinds of parties I really want nothing to do with ,the type of parties that made me wake up and choose something else, psytrance parties filled with drugs etc) I left all that behind and started doing things for myself, that's when I actually found survival ( i started up with my basic course, and continued from there, I feel in love with nature and being a 'man" and self reliant, also it healed my heart and gave me a deep understanding of whom I truly am and what truly matters.
Basically I had been prior to all this to about 4 of these parties, got peer pressured into taking MDMA (its like Ecstasy) i done this about 3 or 4 x times, I woke up in the middle of the night really scared and worried cause I had realized something, no-one wakes up one day and is a drug addict its a slow steady spiral to it, and then you in a hole you cannot get out... I told me Girlfriend at the time I want us to stop, I want to move on and become better than this, I wanted something Good for our future, she basically told me she would do it behind my back, we fought a lot and well it was on a short leash the relationship now, and then a week later I caught her kissing a friend of mine, I ended the relationship right there with her, and also stopped being friends with that other Guy...
however my other friends where there with me ( the same that had been with me, peer pressured me into drugs and parties and had witnessed this)

I split ways with that Girl, and still remained friends with those others guys (the one Guy I been friends with for 18 years, he was the one that was egging me along into these drugs and parties) I sat him down and his brother (i known them for a long time, hell I even did church camps with them in my youth)
I told them my fears of these drugs and parties, and I also Asked them to not be friends with my ex, to choose a side basically..

they have not till this day..
low and behold a year later I found the love of my Life, and now fiance', she is an awesome woman, and is a qualified Game ranger here in southern Africa in the kruger region, although that is not what she does professionally, she is they type of girl that loves to CAMP and out doors etc.. the perfect Woman..
anyway my friends still see my ex, still attend these parties and Myself and my Fiance are now every month lambasted with Social media of my Best mates of 18 years going around frequenting with my ex, it really makes me Irate, and It also HIGHLY upsets my fiance to see it also...


What would you do?

[madmax]

Don't tell others what to do.

You can't know beforehand what will be your drug of choice or if you'll get hooked.

Forgive and...

Move on.

[Antonyraison]

It's not so much as telling them not what to do, more of a concern, these guys where like family to me.
Anyway.. I have mostly moved on from that, they can do what they want to.. I choose no part of it.
I am just wondering if you would think being friends with them still is a good idea or not. I am airing on the side of NOT at all.

[randyt]

personally I would not be friends with anyone that would try to peer pressure me into taking drugs.

[Antonyraison]

I just feel that from my side, I suppose I get caught up in things, maybe.. I mean I been mates with this one particular dude scince I was 16 (ok so almost 20 years friends) I had been through a number of things with him when he had a divorce I took him in and helped him back to a good space.. I always choose my friends sides and stuck with them.. and well kinda to me feels like they don't show me the same mutual bro hood of respect.. Anyway. Just quite irate maybe a bit too much over it

[madmax]

You are judge and jury with that. I don't even use my own name (my wife's. Bless her) on Facebook because of some past friends and employees. Cut ties. Don't want them looking me up. I'm no angel mind you. But I had to. I have a huge group of great friends and family now (I cut ties with some family BTW). If you're worried, you might heed my story.

[Antonyraison]

You are judge and jury with that. I don't even use my own name (my wife's. Bless her) on Facebook because of some past friends and employees. Cut ties. Don't want them looking me up. I'm no angel mind you. But I had to. I have a huge group of great friends and family now (I cut ties with some family BTW). If you're worried, you might heed my story.

I hear and heed What you are saying.. you are right, and it's something being weighing on me heavily.. but yeah an old saying my parents would tell me is "Birds of a feather flock together"

[Antonyraison]

personally I would not be friends with anyone that would try to peer pressure me into taking drugs.

aye, well I cannot be certain if they still are or are not.
as much as they seem to have their heads on straight with excellent careers, they still make decisions that I wouldn't agree with, not that it is any of my business, I suppose cause I had been a tad older than them when I had 1st met them, also cause I didnt have friends back then ( I was new to that area, and was a shy bullied kid) I kinda made friends with them in the church and yeah, we got up to a lot of typical teen shenanigans back then, I have More than grown up since then, however I always looked out for them, as I had always been put in charge in looking after them through various church outings back in the day, one could say I was always the older brother.

[rebel]

I'd move to different part of the country. At least a days drive away and make new friends.

[Antonyraison]

I'd move to different part of the country. At least a days drive away and make new friends.

hahahah, well I hardly see them, they dont really make the time for me but would make time to party with you know who.. anyway.. I feel the time is now to move on, like many of you suggest, I feel the same, just thought perhaps there was something I am overlooking here.
I have a really good friend that I been doing my wilderness survival with, and made another great friend whom I have introduced to this World of survival also..
I have realized there are men with old school morals, and respect for other like I have.
Just need to vent a bit and get outside perspectives. Thanks guys, I am a man of this earth and wilderness and prefer surrounding myself with men of the same type of mind set that value their family, their friends and know what truly matters.

[madmax]

You do yoga, don't you Antony?

[Antonyraison]

You do yoga, don't you Antony?

no, I do not do yoga. hahah why?

[madmax]

It's a "sensitive, pc, hipster kinda thing" totally kidding my friend.

[Antonyraison]

It's a "sensitive, pc, hipster kinda thing" totally kidding my friend.

hahahaha, I do not take any offence hahahah, yeah no, I am quiet chilled by most people's standards I think most would think I am a bit of a hippie .... So I would likely take that as a compliment.
But hipster? no ways.. hahahah more like old school rock head (when I say old school 80ies rock and old blues based rock, like SRV,etc) my general style is mostly grunge (in other words I haven't updated any style since the 80ies) some would say I am a shaman, maybe I am maybe I am not.
all I have is a boat load of chill and patience.

[madmax]

Kinda figured that. I grew up earlier. You don't wear bell bottoms still? LOL.

We're on the same page friend.

[Antonyraison]

hahahahahaha no, I do not wear bell bottoms, I was not born in the 60ies or 70ies (wish I where though..) I am an 80ies baby Jeans mostly or camo pants, I generally wear things that are hard to break, cause, being 6.3 230lbs things break easily on me if they dont fit and are not strong.

[madmax]

Antony,

You did not say you are 230lbs and wear a thong... did you?





s

[rebel]

Here it comes...the burn your eyes out picture.

[Antonyraison]

Antony,

You did not say you are 230lbs and wear a thong... did you?





s

No ways I shall never ever wear a thong..

[hunter63]

Just a few comments.....
You seem to be working thru this in your own mind...and have already made the decision to dump the drama and move on.
Continue to follow your heart.........

Personally I don't see much good come from social media when it is being used as a bullying tool.

[kyratshooter]

Anthony, I have 67 years of being screwed over, abused and misused.

Most of that occurred because I did not close out and move on.

If you have found your "soul mate" separate yourself from the pack you once ran with and sort through a new bunch of friends that have the same moral fiber and goals you and your GF/wife share.

The FB problem is your X and your former friends messing with your mind! They are living rent free in your head. Evict them, close the account and quit punishing yourself for living a safe and happy life with someone that loves you for who you are now.

As for the old long term friends. I can only relate that I had a boyhood friend I grew up with. We were closer than I was to my brothers. When he turned 22 he found a new GF, moved half way around the world and I have not seen him since 1973. That is how much he ws worried about me! I survived the loss, came to understand the fact that people grow up and move away.

In fact, you may find that your BF would stab you in the back without hesitation now that his life has become controlled by his vises.

Ever wondered how many times he has been with your X-GF? Bet you have! Bet he has!

Drop them all, close the FB account and move on.

[WolfVanZandt]

Are they rubbing it in your face? That would cap the issue for me. But then, I've been a loner all my life.

I'm not so sure that FaceBook doesn't belong on that list of the worst things that have happened to society. I've seen way too much damage done by it.

I'm a psychologist and I will tell you plainly that psychotherapy is a way to trick clients into finding appropriate solutions for their problems and, as bad as that might sound, people go to counselors because they can't find those solutions on their own....but the reason they can't find them is that they are blocked by lots of wishful and downright magical thinking. If people look for their solutions in LaLa land, they'll find solutions that will only work in LaLa land.

I've always felt like looking for solutions to personal problems on line is an iffy proposition. Individual's personal problems will almost always require personal solutions. I would say, "Drop your old friends and get some new ones." But I don't know everything about the situation and there's a good chance I'd be wrong. So......don't listen to me.

[Antonyraison]

Just a few comments.....
You seem to be working thru this in your own mind...and have already made the decision to dump the drama and move on.
Continue to follow your heart.........

Personally I don't see much good come from social media when it is being used as a bullying tool.

Yip. You correct I do want to dump the drama. And certainly want to and am moving on.. simply do not need this type of vibe and energis in my life.

[Antonyraison]

Anthony, I have 67 years of being screwed over, abused and misused.

Most of that occurred because I did not close out and move on.

If you have found your "soul mate" separate yourself from the pack you once ran with and sort through a new bunch of friends that have the same moral fiber and goals you and your GF/wife share.

The FB problem is your X and your former friends messing with your mind! They are living rent free in your head. Evict them, close the account and quit punishing yourself for living a safe and happy life with someone that loves you for who you are now.

As for the old long term friends. I can only relate that I had a boyhood friend I grew up with. We were closer than I was to my brothers. When he turned 22 he found a new GF, moved half way around the world and I have not seen him since 1973. That is how much he ws worried about me! I survived the loss, came to understand the fact that people grow up and move away.

In fact, you may find that your BF would stab you in the back without hesitation now that his life has become controlled by his vises.

Ever wondered how many times he has been with your X-GF? Bet you have! Bet he has!

Drop them all, close the FB account and move on.

It's great advise I appreciate it :)

[Antonyraison]

Are they rubbing it in your face? That would cap the issue for me. But then, I've been a loner all my life.

I'm not so sure that FaceBook doesn't belong on that list of the worst things that have happened to society. I've seen way too much damage done by it.

I'm a psychologist and I will tell you plainly that psychotherapy is a way to trick clients into finding appropriate solutions for their problems and, as bad as that might sound, people go to counselors because they can't find those solutions on their own....but the reason they can't find them is that they are blocked by lots of wishful and downright magical thinking. If people look for their solutions in LaLa land, they'll find solutions that will only work in LaLa land.

I've always felt like looking for solutions to personal problems on line is an iffy proposition. Individual's personal problems will almost always require personal solutions. I would say, "Drop your old friends and get some new ones." But I don't know everything about the situation and there's a good chance I'd be wrong. So......don't listen to me.

No they not rubbing it my face.. They very nonchalant about the situation.. Anyway it's just something I am not used to, and not something I myself would do either.. guess cause I have always chosen my friend over a situation and haven't kept their exes as friends or be familiar with their exes it just seems very bizarre and almost a bit of a slap in face... but I agree.. I too think that dropping them is better.

[Antonyraison]

Are they rubbing it in your face? That would cap the issue for me. But then, I've been a loner all my life.

I'm not so sure that FaceBook doesn't belong on that list of the worst things that have happened to society. I've seen way too much damage done by it.

I'm a psychologist and I will tell you plainly that psychotherapy is a way to trick clients into finding appropriate solutions for their problems and, as bad as that might sound, people go to counselors because they can't find those solutions on their own....but the reason they can't find them is that they are blocked by lots of wishful and downright magical thinking. If people look for their solutions in LaLa land, they'll find solutions that will only work in LaLa land.

I've always felt like looking for solutions to personal problems on line is an iffy proposition. Individual's personal problems will almost always require personal solutions. I would say, "Drop your old friends and get some new ones." But I don't know everything about the situation and there's a good chance I'd be wrong. So......don't listen to me.

No they no rubbing it my face.. They very nonchalant about the situation.. Anyway it's just something I am not used to, and not something I myself would do either.. guess cause I have always chosen my friend over a situation and haven't kept their exes as friends or be familiar with their exes it just seems very buzzard and almost a bit of a slap in face... but I agree.. I too think that dropping them is better.

[rebel]

You have to make choices in life. Good choices have rewards. Bad choices have consequences.

[tundrabadger]

You can't decide for your friends who they associate with or what they put in their bodies. You can, however, choose who YOU associate with and what you put in your body. Which being said, I'm glad you aren't using. Very good decision on your part. If your friends' behavior and drug use is really upsetting you, and I get the impression it might be, or if you are having lingering feelings of betrayal over your exe's drug use and behavior, you don't have to be alone. There are groups out there for people who've had that kind of experience if you look for them, and it can help talking to others who've been where you have.

Whatever you do, try not to let this eat at you.

[Rick]

Your emotions are your own. No one can MAKE you angry. You can only allow yourself to become angry. Letting someone else MAKE you angry means you have given them control over you and you have given up responsibility for your own emotions. Why do you really want your friends to choose sides? So you can say you won? You really need to think about why that's important to you. There is no reason a person has to choose sides if they do not wish to. As for the social media aspect if something were messing with my head that much I'd have to turn it off. Perhaps you should give it a rest for a month and see how your life goes without the social media and all the bickering. Wish your ex the best and be sincere about it. Then take that wonderful lady that you have found and go live your life. Your ex has no place in your current relationship. You are focusing on something that is past and missing out on what you have now and your future. That's what is really important.

I commend you for walking away from the drug scene. As others have said, no friend would push that on you. They would accept your decision and embrace it. You need to leave them behind. They really are NOT your friends.

[WolfVanZandt]

I used to regularly ask clients how many friends they had. If they said more than three, I marked it as an indication that they might not have a good grasp of reality. If they said 20, I started looking for more magical thinking that would monkeywrench their life. Good acquaintances are good to have but they ain't friends. Friends - real friends - are so valuable partially because they are so rare.

[oldsoldier]

personally I would not be friends with anyone that would try to peer pressure me into taking drugs.


I've gotta side with randy 110% on this one. Anyone that wants to pressure you into drugs IMO is more of a "pusher" than a friend. Nobody needs someone like that in their life.

[walks.in2.trees]

I think you have the correct idea here, so don't feel guilty about moving on. You don't necessarily need to be obvious about cutting ties... on FB, downgrade them from "following" to only seeing big life events. Since there's already a separation there, just let it drift away on it's own. After a year of no contact, then "unfriend them" Someday, they'll say, hmmm what happened to so-and-so... and when they contact you, be very circumspect and arms length at first, and don't fully engage until you're sure that they've moved on from that lifestyle.

VERY IMPORTANT
Don't be fooled if they ask for "help" to leave that lifestyle either, because they will just suck you into whatever trouble it is they're in. they might ask to stay for a few days, or for money... don't do it!! give them a card to a shelter or a therapist anything but actually letting them into your life until you know they've been away from all that. Sounds harsh, but I know more than a few people that have been screwed over that way.

Sent from my SM-T817V using Tapatalk

[crashdive123]

Just remember that it is all about mind over matter. Friends that mind your choices don't matter and aren't really your friends. Friends that matter don't mind what your choices are and will support your decisions.

[Phaedrus]

I would say ditch the drama, get off social media and give your loyalty to the good one that's standing beside you. You seem to know what's important in life so go for it! Don't let anything else become a distraction.

[Antonyraison]

Thanks all for the really awesome advice, I have read all the replies they all follow the same trend. I am simply ditching the drama and distancing myself totally from them, I have allowed them too much in my head. They grown adults and can make their own choices, my choice is not to be associated with any of that, I feel it's too much of a hindrance and not something I want associated to myself.

I basically already made the decision when I started the thread just kinda wanted outside views.

[druid]

unfriend them on social media but remain friends aside from that. If you need to explain it to them and they don't understand then the friendship wasn't meant to be.

[Antonyraison]

mmm, its just sooo much easier hahah that I just hide their posts, ignore their lives, move on.
I am not particularly concerned what they see on my social media, I dont post overly personal stuff really. Just a good space to stay in contact with other old friends and other groups.
So yeah I just quietly fade away from their view and carry on with Me :D

[rebel]

Good. I think I'll just amble to the kitchen for a little maxwell house ecstasy.

[Rick]

See? That's what happens when you get older. "amble" becomes a way of life. Embrace the amble.

[WolfVanZandt]

I even carry it a little further and ramble. Sometimes I even shuffle.

See, survival has a definite social side.

[hunter63]

I even set the treadmill to "mosey"...
When you get to "totter".....thing are getting serious...

[finallyME]

A bad "friend" will drag you down and destroy you. If your only contact is through social media, it is time to severe the ties. You can unfriend them, or block them. I think there is also an ignore. Good luck!

I would recommend that you find a new place to make friends. Obviously your survival class would be a good place, as well as maybe your wife/girlfriend's place of business. And, there is always church. The majority of my friends come from church. I also met my wife there.