View Full Version : Homeland Security Funding Recieved
As some of you know we had a terrible accident that involved the F.A.R.T.s boat. Someone, and we aren't naming names (Pal) lost it. We have spent countless hours searching for it upstream to no avail. So, we did the next best thing. We asked the government to replace it. They did and in spades!
The are sending us a 44 foot motor life boat. The one pictured below is not the exact one we are to receive but they assure me that it is very similar. We did ask them to send one that had been treated a little better than the one in the picture and they said they would look around and see what they could find. Them fellahs are mighty nice.
After much deliberation we've decided to remove the big tall thing on the back end. Most of us a afraid of heights so none of us will be up there anyway. And after a full breakfast of biscuits and gravy we figured bobbin' around that high up would have a detrimental impact on those standing below so that rascal has to come off. Once it comes in we're all headin' over to Bubba's House of Military Surplus and see if we can find some rain suits and galoshes. I'm pretty partial to a Souwestern rain hat. Sure hope Bubba has some.
http://coastguard.dodlive.mil/files/2010/01/4181565125_7d6db78afb1.jpg
Now, if that right there weren't swell enough of them Homeland Security fellahs they said they had a mobile command center they were willing to just give us. I admit we were a bit skeptical but after some deliberation we decided to accept their offer. We did take ownership of it last week and have been doing quite a bit of work to get it presentable.
We pulled out the communication stuff and installed a deep frier and griddle. The scuba gear was removed and replaced with an ice box and beer dispenser. We also added a microwave. We did hang on to the generator and lights. We aren't much good after dark any more but it does make it a bit easier to see on the way back to the truck. Last one out turn the lights off.
http://best-concession-trailer.com/images/trailers/concession-trailer-bbq-concession-trailer.jpg
If I forgot anything I'm sure the other guys will remember...I think. We gotta start writin' this stuff down.
crashdive123
09-05-2011, 08:42 PM
In an effort to speed up the search for the boat they also sent us a search aircraft. They said they would include flying lessons with the next one.
http://www.sun-sentinel.com/media/photo/2010-04/53083902.jpg
Fortunately, 2Dumb was uninjured in the mishap. The mule was pretty bruised up, however.
Sarge47
09-06-2011, 12:38 AM
They're sending this top-of-the-line transit bus to help get people to the boat and such:
http://www.oldbus.us/Portals/0/free_classifieds.jpg (http://www.oldbus.us/LinkClick.aspx?link=59&tabid=36) :scared: :scared: :scared:f
Winnie
09-06-2011, 03:31 AM
I'm still waiting guys..It's been 2, yes TWO years since a promise was forthcoming to help with my rodent problem. The little blighters have just moved in, Bobcat can't do this on his own anymore, his trap-like jaws have had a few teeth removed. It would be the perfect operation to test the F.A.R.T boat and any equipment you may purchase from Bubba.
Pal334
09-06-2011, 05:55 AM
I stand ready to again provide safeguarding for the equipment. This time I promise to tie the stuff down more securely. Cross my Heart
crashdive123
09-06-2011, 07:05 AM
I'm still waiting guys..It's been 2, yes TWO years since a promise was forthcoming to help with my rodent problem. The little blighters have just moved in, Bobcat can't do this on his own anymore, his trap-like jaws have had a few teeth removed. It would be the perfect operation to test the F.A.R.T boat and any equipment you may purchase from Bubba.
We're still formulating our plan. I know we had pencils around here someplace. Anybody see the pencils? They weren't in the boat were they?
Well, more bad news. When it rains it pours. I was just on the phone to them Homeland Security fellahs and they told me we would NOT be able to pull the mobile command center behind the motor life boat! We had planned to tow it over there, Winnie, and cook up a good ole American meal or two while we eradicated those furry little monsters with our cute guns. Obviously, this puts a bit of a kink in our plans. We will have to gather the fellahs together and brainstorm on this one a bit more. Off the top of my head I'm at a loss as to what to do. Maybe we can push it instead of pull it. I'll call the Homeland Security folks and run that by them.
Crash, the last I saw of the pencils Sarge was flingin' em at the dart board. Doing a fair job of getting them to stick, too. You might check the dart board. You know he seldom puts stuff back where he found it.
Also, I notice on Sarge's latest communication vis a vie the transit bus that it is marked No. 2. When I talk to the Homeland Security folks I'll ask them about No. 1. We could run back and forth to the parking lot. One coming and one going. It's only 100 feet or so but a step saved is a penny earned or something like that.
rebel
09-06-2011, 08:32 AM
http://lindacallina.com/images/parasailing.jpg
Are we there yet?
Winnie
09-06-2011, 08:47 AM
We're still formulating our plan. I know we had pencils around here someplace. Anybody see the pencils? They weren't in the boat were they?
Formulating, shmormulating. Ya'll just scared of England's Supermice, admit it. A REAL F.A.R.T would have at least got on to logistics by now, calculated how much Bacon was required for the journey, then doubling it, just in case. I can loan you a pencil, but you'll have to come get it
crashdive123
09-06-2011, 09:25 AM
OK - that solves the pencil problem. What about paper? Anybody seen the paper?
Winnie
09-06-2011, 09:38 AM
Didn't Rick put the paper under the typewriter?
crashdive123
09-06-2011, 12:31 PM
Didn't Rick put the paper under the typewriter?
By golly I think you are right! Now, all we gotta do is find the boat. I wonder if the typewriter was in the bow or the stern. Maybe we should send search parties further upstream to see if it drifted there.
Winnie
09-06-2011, 02:49 PM
Well, if Pal hadn't lost the boat in the first place, you'd be able to use the typwriter to type out your plan on the paper underneath the typewriter, and the Homeland Security funding could be used to buy one of these, go on, you know you want one.... Maybe Bubba has one out back.
http://i1186.photobucket.com/albums/z372/wychwood1/d996ed5d.jpg
crashdive123
09-06-2011, 05:25 PM
Maybe we could use that Zubr class LCAC to find our boat? I wonder if it comes with paper.
That would never work. It has one of those high thingies on it too. We don't like heights. Besides, that one obviously has bad brakes 'cause they couldn't stop before they hit the beach. That got some little wrecker thingie trying to push it back out.
Bad news on the transit bus I'm afraid. The Homeland Security fellahs said the No 2 was painted on the bus in jest because someone thought it was chitty. I told him we thought it looked just fine. He said they'd try to remove the painting before they ship it to us.
In other news, he said he would have to get back to me on pushing the command center to England. They have some folks that are pretty good with numbers I guess and they are gonna do some cypherin' to see if it can be done. Of course, that conversation took place before I saw Rebel's suggestion of flying it over. We'll just have to find someone besides 2Dumb and that stupid Mule. As it turns out the Mule was flyin' the plane when it went down. 2Dumb was takin' a nap and didn't even wake up until the blamed thing had been hauled to shore. Of course the Mule tried to blame the whole thing on 2Dumb. If there is one thing I can't stomach it's a lyin' Mule. I've since taken the Mule's name off the flying lessons sign up sheet.
crashdive123
09-06-2011, 08:02 PM
I don't know about moving the command center over to England. I don't think we have anybody that speaks the language.
Pocomoonskyeyes3
09-06-2011, 09:30 PM
Good News!!! I found the Old F.A.R.T. Boat!!! Bad news is it's gonna' need some repairs......
6927
We need to keep this under wraps for a bit. There was some clause in the Homeland Security forms about owning a boat disqualified us from receiving the motor life boat. And quite frankly it's a beauty. Besides. I'm not so certain that's our boat. I don't remember those big ole holes in ours.
crashdive123
09-07-2011, 05:19 AM
Is there a typewriter and paper in it?
More bad news, I'm afraid. The cypherin' guys at Homeland Security tell me that we can neither push nor pull the command center to England. On top of that, they were a little irked when they found out we removed the communications and scuba gear in place of a deep fryer and griddle. I told them we couldn't cook a decent meal as it was so changes had to be made. They still didn't seem too pleased. I did ask if we could fly it to England as Rebel suggested and he told me if we could get it airborne then we shouldn't have a problem. I think we have a project for the week-end!
Winnie
09-07-2011, 07:27 AM
I smell a conspiracy.....first they promise a pretty boat, then a vehicle to get you to the pretty boat, then a command centre. Just when they've lulled you into false sense of security...... BAM! you're hit with so many rules and regs, you forgot where the paper and pencils are!
They assured me they have our best interests at heart and they seemed really sincere.
huntermj
09-07-2011, 07:07 PM
I take it that the F.A.R.T. boat is not not a swift boat.
RangerXanatos
09-07-2011, 07:22 PM
Blonde, blue eyes, nice figure, pretty voice... I don't think she'd be up to riding with the F.A.R.T. Team on the F.A.R.T Boat.
6928
Actually, she did stop by and have breakfast with us the last week-end before we lost the boat. Hey! Has anyone heard from her? If she's joy ridin' in our boat ... Hang on. I'm gonna call her dad.
huntermj
09-07-2011, 07:44 PM
And she keeps on cruising till her daddy takes the keys to the T-bird away,
Well, wouldn't you know it. They delivered the "boat" today and it turned out to be some hodge podge welded metal truck. The old boy did have a fancy uniform but I told him to just take it right back. He said he had orders to deliver it. I told him the gas mileage was probably atrocious and I pointed out that you had to climb three danged steps just to get in it. Half of us get vertigo on one step. We'll have guys passin' out all over the place. No sir, I said, just take it right back and bring us our boat. I did get a snapshot of it to put in our scapbook. Ain't it ugly? I'd be battlin' nose bleed tryin' to drive the danged thing.
http://cdn.newsday.com/polopoly_fs/1.2855812.1304521501!/httpImage/image.JPG_gen/derivatives/display_600/image.JPG
Pal334
09-08-2011, 06:12 AM
Iwould image it would float about like a rock also
Winnie
09-08-2011, 06:44 AM
Iwould image it would float about like a rock also
Well, at least it wouldn't float away when someone lets go of it:whistling:
The fellah from Homeland Security called and he was a bit miffed. He said he sent the welded metal truck in place of the transit bus on account of they couldn't get the paint off. I apologized something fierce and explained that I thought they sent it in place of our new boat. In any case, they should be returning it sometime next week. He explained that it was bullet proof. I told him not many folks shoot at us but he just laughed a bit. I suppose we could drive it a couple of hundred yards out in the field and hang some targets it on. If it's really bullet proof it shouldn't hurt it none. And if Winnie's mice are as mean as she says we might just need the protection. Perhaps we could haul it over on the new boat. Sort of like a fairy. No, not like the fellah that works at the marina.
Pal334
09-08-2011, 03:30 PM
Well, at least it wouldn't float away when someone lets go of it:whistling:
Now you too eeh?
Winnie
09-08-2011, 04:27 PM
Now you too eeh?
Well, if the cap fits..... just sayin'
Pal334
09-08-2011, 05:42 PM
Well, if the cap fits..... just sayin'
Unfortunately it fits much too snugly
The Homeland Security fellah called me back and apologized that it's taking so long to deliver the boat. He said they were having trouble getting the oversize permits they needed to transport it to us. I didn't think Homeland Security would need any permits but apparently them D.O.T. boys have to have their i's dotted and their t's crossed. The Homeland Security fellah (His name is Abdullah. Does that sound right to you?) said to make up for the delay he was going to add a Hoover Craft. I asked him if it was expensive but he just laughed and said he was with Homeland Security. Money really didn't matter. So I said go right ahead and send it 'cause I knew some of the fellahs like to bass fish. I just hope they don't suck any lures down in the intake. We'll have pointy things flyin' every direction. He said white was the only color they had. I figured we could spray paint it if we choose too. They got that new Krylon stuff we could use.
http://www.wired.com/images_blogs/photos/uncategorized/2007/09/28/hovercraft_2.jpg
I just gave Abdullah a call and he apologized something fierce. He said there was a huge mix up on the boat they were getting ready to send us. It turns out they were going to send this:
http://www.marineinsight.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/Octopus_yacht.jpg (http://www.marineinsight.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/Octopus_yacht.jpg)
I told him I was sure glad he caught the mistake 'cause that big rascal had way too many stairs for us. And after the mess 2Dumb's mule made of the airplane it would be a huge mistake to let either one of them near a helicopter. Besides, none of us would know what the big ball is on top and it's way to high for any of us to climb up there and find out. He said he'd get everything straightened out for us.
crashdive123
09-24-2011, 12:30 PM
Call him back. We can use the elevator.
He didn't say nothing about no elevator. You reckon' it's got one? Maybe those are escalators like they got over at the mall. We'd still have a problem with 2Dumb and the helicopter, though. You know how he likes to tinker with engines. Everything he sees is a "race car". Remember what he did to the ambulance? We had to tack weld the gurney inside to keep it from flying out the back doors. And that was in neutral!
crashdive123
09-24-2011, 12:41 PM
Yeah but if we don't have the helicopter how are we gonna move the boat? Besides - if you remember - 2Dumb was the only one we could get to hang on to the rope while the helicopter was pulling the boat. Granted, he got a little tired when we were practicing going forward and backing up with all that running between the bow and the stern, but he was the only one that would do it. That reminds me that we need to talk to him about running down the halls while I'm trying to take a nap.
Winnie
09-24-2011, 01:46 PM
Just make sure this one is caulked properly.You don't want it to spring a leak.(unlike the F.A.R.Ts)
Winnie
09-24-2011, 01:49 PM
With all this new equipment, there's a possibility you'll need need extra manly men to run it. You really need to run a recuiting drive to increase F.A.R.Ts. The training will be tough, Bacon sammichs and napping doen't come easy to some folk. I propose you enlist apprentinces. A-F.A.R.T so to speak.
A.F.A.R.T.s have been an oft used and thunderingly successful program with us. We started off with the Recruit Individual People as Apprentices or as we called it R.I.P.A.F.A.R.T. and we have had a lot of success even though it was sometimes a strain on our resources. While we tried recruitment using bacon and spam the food was generally gone by the time we opened the door. I believe 2Dumb was one of those RIPAFART kinda guys. The mule might have been but I just don't remember. Crash once suggested we have a recruitment using coffee and Danish (the pastry not the people) but he made off with both before any of us had a chance to taste anything. We found him sitting on the fantail of the FART boat with sugar frosting on both lips and coffee stains down the front of his shirt. He was pointing downstream and trying to tell us through a mouthful of Danish (the pastry not the people) that a whale stole the lot of it. Of couse, we didn't believe him 'cause we know whales don't frequent the river. We figured it was probably a shark. He's just lucky to be alive I guess.
Crash - It wasn't 2Dumb. It was that goofy Mule of his. You know how he likes to play touch football.
Abdullah said he realized that he hadn't sent any pictures of the inside of our new F.A.R.T. boat. So here are some he just sent me.
https://photos.travelblog.org/Photos/19438/679341/f/6695738-Inside-the-USS-Bowfin-submarine-0.jpg (https://photos.travelblog.org/Photos/19438/679341/f/6695738-Inside-the-USS-Bowfin-submarine-0.jpg)
http://www.srdw.co.uk/travel/2007hamburg/Imgp3298_752.jpg
http://www.worldsstrangest.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-o-matic/wscache23/21e98_r6hjertdfhttht.jpg
Seems a bit cramped to me but maybe it's bigger in real life.
crashdive123
09-24-2011, 07:56 PM
Ahhhhhhh. Home sweet home.
erunkiswldrnssurvival
09-25-2011, 02:40 AM
home land security promises pat downs and criminal background checks. if you cant submit to the program, stay at home and dont travel to pakistan !
I told him you were familiar with maritime vehicles. He suggested that Captain Crash might not be perceived well in media releases.
2dumb2kwit
09-30-2011, 08:01 PM
Ummm...crash....I think you have me confused with someone else. I'm way too lazy to run up and down the halls. LOL
Rick...I think it will be OK to have crash as our captian. We'll just tell the media that his full name is A. Voida Crash.
...and as far as that dang ol' mule, well...Ken will just have to fend for himself.
There goes another post.............................................. ...........
crashdive123
09-30-2011, 09:17 PM
Running the halls for us F.A.R.T.S. is much like running a restaurant - like running a cold - like running a bed and breakfast - like a running board.....you get the idea. We're not really running, but it helps to have people think we are on top of things...........which of course we are.
bobzilla
09-30-2011, 09:42 PM
6982
My control center............
Before the lost F.A.R.T. boat incident of course. We wouldn't want anyone thinking we have that kind of fire power around all the time. I'll talk to Abdullah and see if a quad 50 is an accessory for the new boat.
Winnie
10-01-2011, 04:41 PM
He never mentioned driving to Oz, but he sure knows how to make an entrance.
http://i1186.photobucket.com/albums/z372/wychwood1/100111_ferrisplane.jpg
Seems navigation is not his forte
Abdullah was kind enough to give me a briefing on the bridge of our new boat. Yes! It arrived today. It's pretty spiffy and a whole lot bigger than the missing F.A.R.T. boat. The old one was just a fizzle compared to this guy. Abdullah said we can even get Sirius radio. I told him life was probably serious enough without listening to that kind of music, too. He just laughed and started talking to the boat. I thought he had gone plumb bonkers but turned out his cellular telephone can be coupled (or some such thing) to the boats stereo system and his phone has voice commands. The next thing I know we're talking to some muckity muck in Washington, D.C.!!! I swear he never touched a button. That phone did all the work!! And you could hear it over the stereo system!!!! Pretty spiffy, I'd say.
The boat is still on the semi trailer they pulled it down on so if'n anyone has a block and tackle they might want to bring it down to the marina this week-end and we'll see if we can get this bad boy in the water.
Here's a shot of Abdullah in the bridge of our new boat.
http://emeagwali.com/gifs/Space_Shuttle_1994.gif
Wise Old Owl
10-01-2011, 10:09 PM
OK - that solves the pencil problem. What about paper? Anybody seen the paper?
Got the paper right here
6985
Comes in Military Green to avoid detection in the woods - and it turns black after use....
Good man! No job is finished until the paper work is done. Do you have a block and tackle, too?
crashdive123
10-01-2011, 10:27 PM
A block and tackle would be good. I remember when I had what should have been a brilliant idea of backing up real fast to the water and slamming on the brakes to get the boat off. Let's just say that you should remember to take the straps off the boat that hold it to the trailer. Let's also say that when you get going really fast on the slippery boat ramp that your brakes don't really do much good. I still miss that truck.
Yeah, quick stops can be a bear.
http://info.autoworksmn.com/Portals/94047/images/Towing%20a%20boat-resized-600.jpg
crashdive123
10-01-2011, 10:37 PM
Does the new boat come with those hong hangers?
http://2pep.com/funny%20pics/laughing%20humorous%20pictures/super_funny_cute%20images_3277d2edb38fe06f9a5cdf56 3048c0b3.jpg
You probably won't believe this but I got a phone call about 1:00 today and the fellah on the phone said he had just delivered our new boat to the marina. I was pretty confused since our boat was hauled in yesterday. So I hurried up and finished my nap and buzzed right down there and lo and behold them Homeland Security folks sent us a second boat. I wasn't able to get ahold of Abdullah right away it bein' Sunday and all. It looks like we'll need a second block and tackle. Or maybe one really big one and we can lift 'em both at the same time. The trucker fellah said we should paint "His" on one and "His" on the other since we had a matched pair. We could have His and His F.A.R.T. boats. Personally, I think having two is a really good idea. You never know who might forget to tie one up and it disappear like the first one did.
2dumb2kwit
10-02-2011, 06:10 PM
Redundancy is probably a good idea.
Redundancy is probably a good idea.
crashdive123
10-02-2011, 06:47 PM
Personally, I think having two is a really good idea. You never know who might forget to tie one up and it disappear like the first one did.
We should probably tie them together to keep from losing them this time.
That right there is a grand idea. It would also double the size of our poop deck and we all know we can use the extra size in that area.
Abdullah called back late this afternoon and I told him there must have been some mistake since we received two boats. He checked his papers and nope, as it turns out that wasn't a mistake at all. He said Homeland Security has lots of money and they didn't mind spending it where it will do the most good. He wanted to know if I had ever heard of a terrorist. Well of course, I told him. He said in that case we were probably in danger and needed the extra precautions. That big all metal truck is on it's way back and Abdullah said they had a few other things they could send us.
Do you all reckon if we lost that old 12 gauge over the fireplace that ATF would be that kind? I'll bet they have access to all kinds of weapons. Where's Pal? Let's put him in charge of the 12 gauge and see how things turn out.
2dumb2kwit
10-02-2011, 07:28 PM
That right there is a grand idea. It would also double the size of our poop deck and we all know we can use the extra size in that area.
Abdullah called back late this afternoon and I told him there must have been some mistake since we received two boats. He checked his papers and nope, as it turns out that wasn't a mistake at all. He said Homeland Security has lots of money and they didn't mind spending it where it will do the most good. He wanted to know if I had ever heard of a terrorist. Well of course, I told him. He said in that case we were probably in danger and needed the extra precautions. That big all metal truck is on it's way back and Abdullah said they had a few other things they could send us.
Do you all reckon if we lost that old 12 gauge over the fireplace that ATF would be that kind? I'll bet they have access to all kinds of weapons. Where's Pal? Let's put him in charge of the 12 gauge and see how things turn out.
I think pal already has the 12 gauge. (He said something about guarding the bread, milk and eggs.)
Well, that's good then. I may call ATF tomorrow 'cause it's a synch if Pal has it the dang thing is lost.
Pal334
10-02-2011, 07:50 PM
Oh ya,, pick on a guy for one little itty bitty over sight. I have had my eyes checked, and hearing checked. Not that it will do any good with all the fancy gadgets and such on those things. And by the way, the bread, milk and eggs are very secure, thank you very much. I will lend out a few of my shotgun shells, if I get a good seat on the poop deck
We just need to know if you remember where the shotgun is.
They dropped the all metal truck off down by the marina today. It ain't the same one that they tried to give us before. This one is a lot bigger and more....well....more somthin'.
http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00633/SNN3009A-682_633908a.jpg
crashdive123
10-04-2011, 04:46 AM
Send it back! It's broken! One whole set of wheels isn't touching the ground.
I'd feel bad sending it back after we sent the first metal truck back. Abdullah called it a buffalo. Now I know he's a city feller and all but they must have zoos and such in Washington. They seem to know what a donkey and an elephant look like so you'd think they would know this thing is NOT a buffalo. Although it is clearly some kind of animal.
Pal334
10-04-2011, 03:04 PM
And since that feller surely knows what a donkey and an elephant are, wouldn't you think he is also familiar with the "waste product" they generate? And I think it is clear that this here "buffalo" is not generating a similar waste
Unless everyone objects I suggest we keep the new metal truck. We can get 2Dumb or the mule to weld a hitch on the back for the yard wagon and use it when we clean up around the marina.
In other news, we managed to get both boats in the water without too much trouble. Unfortunately, they are pointed in the wrong direction. We'll need everyone at the marina next week-end to help us lift em back up and turn 'em around. They need to be pointed the other way to fit into the dock.
Winnie
10-05-2011, 05:25 PM
You'll have to come pick me up in one of the Boats Rick, if you need me to help get them turned around. But I may only be able to help in a managerial capacity, as I don't want to hurt my back again. But rest assured! I will point and encourage from the Dock.
While we seldom have a shortage of managers your assistance will be welcomed. We are a bit metric challenged so if you shout out a distance or weight in metric do be surprised if everything comes to a stop and everyone stares at you. It's really hard for us to work and cypher at the same time.
BENESSE
10-05-2011, 06:34 PM
What you guys need is someone who won't be asleep on the job...i mean, taking a nap while y'all do.
crashdive123
10-05-2011, 09:10 PM
Just like a fine tuned military operation, we nap in shifts.
I'm sure glad you said that correctly.
crashdive123
10-05-2011, 09:43 PM
Yeah - didn't want it to look like *****.:innocent:
Winnie
10-06-2011, 03:53 AM
While we seldom have a shortage of managers your assistance will be welcomed. We are a bit metric challenged so if you shout out a distance or weight in metric do be surprised if everything comes to a stop and everyone stares at you. It's really hard for us to work and cypher at the same time.
Not to worry, I'm multilingual. I can point and shout in old money too. I would also like to assure the F.A.R.Ts napping is the same in metric as imperial.
Madam, we may be the colonies but we are a republic not imperial. Thank you very much.
Winnie
10-06-2011, 07:49 AM
Madam, we may be the colonies but we are a republic not imperial. Thank you very much.
And here's me thinking the Democrats were in power:whistling:
Yeah, and we do have an election coming up. Hmmmm. Maybe....nah, that would be unAmerican.
Abdullah called this morning and wanted to know if the boats were satisfactory. I told him the only thing that could make them better would be a couple of pounds of bacon. He said he'd check with the FDA and see what he could find. Imagine that. Our government must have lots of money to give away.
On a bitter note, I did call the ATF and asked about them replacing the "lost" shotgun. I don't think I've ever heard so much laughter in my life. He even put me on speaker phone and asked me to repeat my request. When I did everyone broke out in laughter. He thanked me over and over for making their day. I didn't see what was so funny so I asked 'em again. He finally asked me if I had a hammer and of course I told him yes. Then he wanted to know if I had any sand and I told him I could probably get some from the beach down at the marina. He told me to get a great big bucket and use the hammer to pound sand up my ... well, he wasn't very nice about the whole thing. I think I need to report him to Abdullah. Maybe Homeland Security can straighten them folks out.
Winnie
10-06-2011, 08:14 AM
Ooops, edited, thought it might be too political!
Winnie
10-06-2011, 08:56 AM
As your ATF were so unpleasant, I contacted the HMRC to see what could be done concerning arming the F.A.R.T boat. I spoke to a very nice lady. She said we could have one of these.
http://i1186.photobucket.com/albums/z372/wychwood1/images.jpg
But I was to make sure the protective equipment that was being provided with them must be worn as she could not be held responsible for any injury.
http://i1186.photobucket.com/albums/z372/wychwood1/14844625_41_b.jpg
http://i1186.photobucket.com/albums/z372/wychwood1/B1.jpg
She said to apologise for the lack of matching protective clothing, this was the best that could be done at such short notice.
crashdive123
10-06-2011, 09:16 AM
Now we're talking. That cork looks like it would fit perfectly on the whiskey bottle. I sure wish I hadn't left the top on the first boat. In that second picture - well - let's just call it British ingenuity. On those cold days the can between the two strings would stick to our ears, but I can see the brilliance of this newer communications device. Thanks. Not sure about the third picture though. If Sourdough still had his geese..... The only trick was to make sure they were calm before trying to fasten the buttons together just below their chins. Is it called a chin on geese?
Winnie
10-06-2011, 09:27 AM
I was told the third item is protective headgear. It's main use is to protect your ears and eyes when operating the Weapons system. In this mode the hole is to the back of the head and buttons secured firmly at the nape of neck.
You F.A.R.Ts are pretty clever yourselves. Item #2's primary function was to be worn on the hands to prevent nose picking(your own or anyone elses). I spoke to the nice lady at HMRC and she said well done you colonial type chaps. She said she will pass on your communtication device idea to those who need to know. She even mentioned an award!
Ixnay on the ovglas. I tried those on once. It took four fireman and six paramedics to get them unwrapped around my neck. I was without oxygen for nine minutes. I was without oxygen for nine minutes. I was without oxygen for.........
2dumb2kwit
10-07-2011, 06:44 PM
Just a reminder. LOL
6995
2Dumb, I'm just so upset I could spit. After we went to all the work of hoisting those two boats out of the water to spin 'em around I found that @#$# mule of yours using the propeller to slice spam. Now I'm like the rest of you in figuring that's a right ingenious use of both the prop and spam especially considerin' the "accident" the mule had. But the truth of the matter is that flea bitten jackalope wouldn't share none of the spam. That's just not....well....F.A.R.T. like. I swear your mule is a regular *** and if you can't straighten him out I'm afraid we'll have to vote him out free rides or no free rides.
rebel
10-18-2011, 09:01 PM
Who's the Captain of this operation?
We don't have titles. If we had a captain then we'd have to have commanders and admirals and generals someone would be pulled under by all the medals, braids and hoopla. We sorta just drive 'till we hit something then someone else takes a turn until he hits something and so on. I reckon if we had titles they would be more appropriate if they were "bacon fixer", "spam eater", "beer tester" and things like that.
We've really had a time with the new boats. We've had 'em out of the water for two weeks now trying to get 'em pointed in the right direction. We spun 'em around and set back in the water but they were still pointed wrong. So we pulled them back out, spun around and put 'em back in and they were STILL wrong. We're talkin' to the marina about spinning the dock around now.
rebel
11-02-2011, 09:18 AM
Me and some of my redneck friends would like to borrow your boats if and when the Iranian navy makes it to our side of the world. I told the boys that I'd supply the beer if they went out for a "howdy". We could fly the bars and stars and see where it goes from there. It might make for some good video.
That would be fine if we ever get them straightened out. We've had the darnedest time getting those things in their dock. We got permission to take the dock apart, which was no problem but now we trying to figure out which parts fit together. I asked Crash to number the darn parts so we'd know which part fits which part. I thought we were going great guns only to find out he marked all the parts with a 1. Admittedly, my instructions might have been somewhat lacking. All I said was number them, which is exactly what he did.
crashdive123
11-02-2011, 12:26 PM
Sorry about that Rick. I had my headphones on and was listening to a college football game. I kept hearing the crowd chant "We're number one" and thought it was a good idea at the time. Don't worry though - the soap stone markings should wash of with the first rain we get, removing all confusion.
crashdive123
11-02-2011, 12:39 PM
Don't worry. Don't worry. After the rains I'll go out and put different numbers on each piece. First I gotta haul the pieces out of the warehouse so they can get wet, and then I'll put them back inside to dry. After they dry I'll start on numbering them. I think I may need a nap now.
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1240/1464157241_71cde702f2.jpg?v=0
rebel
11-02-2011, 08:44 PM
Sorry, I may have opened a can of worms pre-maturely. It seems the guys are working on some kind of super potato gun.
rebel
11-02-2011, 08:49 PM
A "deliverance weapon". A weapon of " deliverance". I can't make it out. Doesn't sound good. What? No, it ain't purdy.
May I suggest they add multiple sections of fine wire attached to the end of the weapon? That way when the spud comes out it will be cut into French fries. Sort of a cluster bomb effect. If it doesn't kill them at least we can cook the projectiles. If it works really well we could probably use it over at the command trailer for fish night. Nothing better that fish and chips.
rebel
11-02-2011, 10:39 PM
Jeeze You know how it is. By the time it's over you're walking out with the "deer in the headlights" look.
We finished nailin' the dock back together. It don't look quite like it did but it's close enough for the women we date. We had some wood left over so we hammered up a couple of picnic table.
http://www.greenpointmarine.com/images/ice_damage/ice_damage01.jpg
It was a lot of work but we finally got them new Homeland Security boats put in the dock pointin' the right way.
Here's a pic of us just finishing up.
http://www.mysanantonio.com/mediaManager/?controllerName=image&action=get&id=1225827&width=628&height=471
Pal will be all right. Turned out it was just gas. The bad news is the emergency room had to be evacuated for a couple of hours so they could air it out. But alls right in the world now.
Here's a picture of the new boats tied to the dock.
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3138/2784335760_ec74e989ae.jpg
Oops. Well that's a wrong picture. Crash was supposed to be takin' pics of the boats. Hey, Crash!!!!
crashdive123
11-11-2011, 07:05 PM
Ooops. I thought you said butts, not boats.
That might explain why the dock looks like it does and how come just about everyone had a smashed thumb from hittin' it with the hammer. I think the mule is the only one that came through unscathed. In his defense he can sure strike a tight chalk line.
Pal334
11-11-2011, 08:33 PM
I told all ya'all that beer and boiled eggs don't go together well!!!!!
Crash kept sayin' you need to blow the ballast but dang I didn't know what he was talkin' about either. He kept going on and on about Boyles Law and gas under a constant pressure blah, blah, blah. I just figured the sun was gettin' to him again. Keep a close eye on him though. He was talkin' about addin' a trim tank to you. I don't know what that was all about either.
crashdive123
11-11-2011, 08:54 PM
Just wait till I get it outfitted with high pressure air, scrubbers and burners.
Fortunately, I snapped a picture of them. That tall metal stuff has got to be cut off. A dang seagull was sittin' on it and nearly pooped on me. The mule slipped in it and knocked 2Dumb down. Poor 2Dumb thought the mule kicked him and they commenced to roll around on the deck in headlocks. I like to never got 'em apart.
Everybody is fishing in this pic. Except the mule. He's at the helm in the boat on the left. If you look real close you can't see him.
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3285/3021585406_7203097cf0.jpg
rebel
11-11-2011, 09:08 PM
As you may well know, things aren't always what they seem to be. Check this out...http://www.fastcompany.com/1742584/flying-robot-spy-drones-can-fly-like-convincing-seagulls-freak-jonathan-out
Unless they've invented bionic bird poop, our was the real deal.
I just got off the phone with Mohamed. That is one nice fellah and he certainly has taken us under his wing. He told me he has several used military motorcycles and wanted to know if we wanted them. Of course, I said yes knowing the chicks love motorcycles and knowing that we need all the help we can get in that department.
He suggested that we could use them in parades and maybe even have a motorcycle unit like those Shriner fellahs. He faxed over a pic of the bikes and a pic of an outfit he has sent some to.
http://www.governmentauctions.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/Kawasaki.jpg
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2003/1807985013_7d1fff8bf4_o.jpg
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_5_ewoocjMX0/TPkFhATIJLI/AAAAAAAAAsE/bE0qjb6zfN0/s1600/2009+Bike+model-s690+SMR-01.jpg
I told him I was for sure the guys would opt for a team like that second group. He just laughed. I was serious, though.
2dumb2kwit
12-14-2011, 06:02 PM
Oh, oh, oh....sign me up, for motorcycle duty!
(I think I can remember how to ride.)LOL
7113
Hey, Muhamed called again this afternoon and wanted to know if we'd like to have a couple of drones. He said as far as he knew they were in tip top shape and had been used as recently as last week. He said we'd have to fetch 'em. One is some place called Iran and the other is in Seychelles. I'm not sure but I think both of them places is in Iowa. We got that big ole all metal truck he gave us so all we need is a trailer to put 'em on. 2Dumbs mule ain't much of a pilot be he's got more experience that any of the rest of us. Maybe we could just have him fly 'em home for us. He even went out and bought a helmet and flight suit. Looks pretty spiffy if you ask me.
http://pix.crash.net/motorsport/360/PA645817.jpg
Winnie
12-15-2011, 05:25 AM
Those drones in Iowa have been keeping a pretty close eye on the F.A.R.Ts and have made several lengthy reports. I personally recieved one not so long ago, but have barely managed to make it past the introduction. These Drones really know how to make detailed reports! You're some lucky F.A.R.Ts to get them!
intothenew
12-15-2011, 07:34 AM
Everybody is fishing in this pic.
I have two questions:
1. Youins sure aint trout fishin. What lb test on the line? I wanna make sure I'm prepared.
2. I think you best reconsider the tall thingy, what about BOB? Everybody around here talks about him. I've only seen a pic of him and understand he likes heights.
http://intothenew.smugmug.com/photos/i-KfRn6mQ/0/O/i-KfRn6mQ.jpg
Nope. Bob is what you do in the ocean. It's not a person. And we've had a morbid fear of heights every since 2D's mule tried to join us in the deer stand. The sight of it raining old men is not a pretty picture and it did leave marks. So the tall thingie has got to go. Your question vis a vie (I've been wanting to use that for some time now) the weight of the fishing line. It really doesn't matter. Anything you have laying around will work. Shoot, even manilla rope will be fine. We generally tie a spark plug on the end and fish that way.
Pal334
12-23-2011, 08:20 AM
Since I think I have detected a bit of doubt about the physical abilities (or lack there of) of the F.A.R.T. , I thought I would share a video of a recent Physical Training exercise. I will not identify the members in the video.
http://www.wimp.com/grandpashuffling/
You have to suck in a lot of air to be able to do that. Naturally, that air has to come out someplace.
I thought it might be nice this holiday season to share some pictures of past Christmases the F.A.R.T.s have shared. Truly heart warming memories.
http://soccerreviews.com/wp-content/uploads/post/soccer-reviews-christmas-special/santa-soccer-483x320.jpg
The year we tried to play soccer. Off the list of future events.
http://www.nationmultimedia.com/new/2011/12/24/life/images/30172580-01_big.jpg
The year we celebrated Christmas in Chinatown. I think this is the only picture from that event we can post.
http://blogs.westword.com/latestword/race-of-the-santas-breckenridge-1.jpg
One year the local mall called and wanted one of us to play Santa. Somehow, communications got SNAFU'd and all of us showed up dressed as Santa. Little kids were freaking out all over the place, security got called and we made a hasty retreat. The mall has never asked again. Well, moving right along....
http://www.stufffundieslike.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/santas.jpg
The year we went to the football game. On the list for future events.
http://www.theoriginalnormal.com/site/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/santa-arrest.jpg
It was all a big misunderstanding and everyone had a good laugh afterwards.
http://sloblogs.thetribunenews.com/sidetracked/files/2011/12/surfing-santa-2.jpg
The year we tried surfing. Uh, no. Off the list.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_x8M0jj64m_w/TO0bLD9KiII/AAAAAAAADlQ/EbvehNVfZdI/s400/Santa-Hijacked.jpg
The year we went deer hunting.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JWJJm4Bp6io/TskQ1rLdC_I/AAAAAAABmaw/COlbp3YCyQY/s320/funny%2Bsanta%2Bpics%2B(35).jpg
The year we went to Vegas. What happens in Vegas...you know.
http://images.sodahead.com/polls/000654015/polls_xmaspicfunny01_2658_985921_poll_xlarge.jpeg
2Dumb is such a practical joker. He had us all laughing that year.
http://static.freepik.com/free-photo/santa-claus-on-beach_21121416.jpg
But we always wind up having a great time.
Merry Christmas from the F.A.R.T.s!
2dumb2kwit
12-24-2011, 10:16 AM
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_x8M0jj64m_w/TO0bLD9KiII/AAAAAAAADlQ/EbvehNVfZdI/s400/Santa-Hijacked.jpg
The year we went deer hunting.
Ooooooo.....is that a Mosin?
crashdive123
12-24-2011, 04:50 PM
No - it's santa clause silly.
We can't take him anywhere.
We had some money left over from the Homeland Security thingie so I took the liberty of commissioning a few things for us.
We now have an official drink. You can tell it's aged. It says Old right on the label.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cgE88rIiEdQ/T2KeS3rALuI/AAAAAAAAPhs/ljRwZwmPGSk/s400/Old%2BFart%2B04.jpg
Our own coffee mug. I probably should have gotten the metal ones. These will be all over the floor but I figured there's enough bad words flying around the Official Command Center Converted to a Kitchen without guys burning their fingers.
http://rlv.zcache.com/thats_mister_old_fart_to_you_mug-p1684700776564492482o3v5_325.jpg
I even had an official insignia sewn up. That makes us kinda official official.
http://www.usmcinsignia.com/inventory/mjff-05.jpg
And I purchased some jackets for the security detail.
http://img520.imageshack.us/img520/3738/fartjacket.jpg
kyratshooter
05-03-2012, 09:52 AM
I want two of the patches and a case of brew. Is an order form available?
Oh, you silly. Just show up at the next meeting. I think BBQ'd bacon is on the menu. I know 2D's mule likes the dry rub BBQ and since the mule is cooking I'm sure that's what we'll have. Brew's in the box, on the two rescue vessels, in the metal truck and under the kitchen sink in the Command Center Turned into a Kitchen. The patches are......oh, crap....I forgot where I put them. I'll get back to you. Where are those things?
Daniel Nighteyes
05-03-2012, 01:32 PM
At last, something I really know about! Y'all need a Coxswain ta man the helm?
Surprisingly ('specially fer a Choctaw) I know how ta do it, including standing the danged boat on its transom without turnin' turtle. (Also know how to circle back an' retrieve crewmembers lost overboard during the previous maneuver.)
Experience gained in St. Andrew's Pass, Panama City FL, though with a smaller vessel... :2:
hunter63
05-03-2012, 01:50 PM
I want two of the patches and a case of brew. Is an order form available?
I'll second that.......How about membership cards....should be good for 'senior discounts?
Good heavens. You already have AAA and AARP discounts. Ya'll gotta pick up the ball, too. I've been doin all the foot work and I'm pretty tuckered out just typin' all that.
You know what? They misspelled Ballast on that jacket. Oh, well. It's right either way I guess.
Crash jiggled my memory so I gave Mohammed a call over at the local Homeland Security Office. I told him how we used to have an airplane but the mule managed to crash it. He said drones were pretty popular right now. I told him I wasn't talkin' about bees. I was talkin' about airoplanes. He just chuckled. Anyway, he said he had a few used airplanes that he might be able to fix us up with. He emailed me this photo and told me all we had to do was pick out the one we wanted.
http://www.michaeljohngrist.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/mojave boneyard/mojave desert boneyard1.jpg
Land O Goshin', I said. How could a fellah choose one plane out of all those. He said we could have two then. I asked him about flight attendants and he just chuckled again. That Mohammed is a chuckler if you ask me.
So...all we have to do is mosey on over to that big field behind the Homeland Security Office and pick out the airplanes we want. I asked him if they had any of those leather helmets but he just chuckled again. Let's all meet over at the Command Trailer Turned Into a Mobile Kitchen and have some bacon sammiches tomorrow after noon. We'll have a short nap and then go pick out our planes.
Daniel Nighteyes
05-18-2012, 08:25 PM
The Homeland Security Office is at Davis-Monthan AFB in Tucson? Will wonders never cease...?
Oh, they probably have one there, too. But we got one right here in our own backyard. I've thought a spell about those airplanes. Why, if we had one when you know who lost the boat we could have just flown up river to search for it instead of driving up there and thinking about walkin' around lookin' for it. Of course, we did find Fatty Shuster's Hamburger Emporium on the drive. That lost boat sort of of lost it's importance when we came eyeball to eyeball with a Shuster Double Decker Bacon and Cheese Jalepeno Surprise. With fries of course.
I want to thank all you guys for showing up at the Command Center Turned Into a Kitchen, eating all the bacon sammiches and then leave me to hike the field in search of a couple of airplanes. You know how much I hate hiking on a full bacon belly.
Anyway. I've come up with a couple of candidates. I was kinda concerned about the wings sticking out too far to park them in the parking lot so here's what I came up with.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_tm0ToylvyfQ/RZ1M58zZa-I/AAAAAAAABQc/WCpD6vI78QI/s320/Weird_Plane.jpg
I just liked the red and blue color scheme on this one.
http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSOiWKX7PJ9qY3sMwAtRDHzbtskshdpg rAeZMLAfJ5rHnRMNJlRT8-Xcuo9BA
And Mohammed offered us a two for one special with this one. I love a bargain.
http://www.owensworld.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/Fullsize/pictures/1146_pictures_plane_hump.jpg
Pal334
05-20-2012, 05:41 PM
for an old fella, you don't forget nuthin,, I keep saying that boat deal was a little axledent. But I am right proud of your eye for aero craft, must have been tough to choose, full of bacon and all
That red and blue kept me circling back time and time again. I don't know what it is but that color scheme is kinda eye catchin. I'm gonna park it right across from the Command Center Turned into a Kitchen so we keep a close eye on it.
For the new members that may not know we do have an organization here at the forum that does high risk rescues and such. We're the Fairly Agile Response Team better known as the F.A.R.Ts. We have quite a record for missions. So far, we've rescued 27 pounds of bacon, 18 pounds of coffee and 11 jars of hot sauce. Meetings are held when bacon goes on sale at Meijer. We generally start our meetings with an opening ceremonial nap followed by rescuing bacon followed by the closing ceremonial nap. It takes a years of specialized training and a high degree of intelligence to work up to a F.A.R.T. but we encourage everyone to apply. If you can pass our intelligence test you can be considered.
Official F.A.R.T. IQ Test
I would like to be a F.A.R.T. ________Yes _______No
hunter63
05-20-2012, 08:00 PM
Can you repeat the question?
What question? Oh, yeah. Silly me. Is there any more bacon?
That red and blue kept me circling back time and time again. I don't know what it is but that color scheme is kinda eye catchin. I'm gonna park it right across from the Command Center Turned into a Kitchen so we keep a close eye on it.
For the new members that may not know we do have an organization here at the forum that does high risk rescues and such. We're the Fairly Agile Response Team better known as the F.A.R.Ts. We have quite a record for missions. So far, we've rescued 27 pounds of bacon, 18 pounds of coffee and 11 jars of hot sauce. Meetings are held when bacon goes on sale at Meijer. We generally start our meetings with an opening ceremonial nap followed by rescuing bacon followed by the closing ceremonial nap. It takes a years of specialized training and a high degree of intelligence to work up to a F.A.R.T. but we encourage everyone to apply. If you can pass our intelligence test you can be considered.
Official F.A.R.T. IQ Test
I would like to be a F.A.R.T. ________Yes _______No
Thank you for spelling the acronym. I wasn't sure how much longer I could resist asking. :-)
hunter63
05-21-2012, 01:03 PM
Thank you for spelling the acronym. I wasn't sure how much longer I could resist asking. :-)
Hum, this is getting too hard for me......"What's a acronym?"...or is it "What's AN acronyum?"...I had F.A.R.T. 'splined to me........Too hard,..... time for my nap........
I think what he was trying to say is Funyuns.
http://i21.geccdn.net/site/images/n-picgroup/VIS_FRI44399.jpg
intothenew
05-21-2012, 01:28 PM
Do you have any plans for the little planes in O, say, 9 months? Do they hatch? I thought this was a family friendly forum by the way. Plane porn, sheesh.
http://www.owensworld.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/Fullsize/pictures/1146_pictures_plane_hump.jpg
2dumb2kwit
05-21-2012, 05:27 PM
Do you have any plans for the little planes in O, say, 9 months? Do they hatch? I thought this was a family friendly forum by the way. Plane porn, sheesh.
Well, helloooo........wilderness/nature.
Where did you think those little drones come from?
The stork? (Snort, Snicker)
2dumb2kwit
05-21-2012, 05:30 PM
I think what he was trying to say is Funyuns.
http://i21.geccdn.net/site/images/n-picgroup/VIS_FRI44399.jpg
Careful....intothenew might see that and read "eat-the-younguns"! LOL
Personally, I think he needs new glasses.
Mohammed called and nixed the motor scooter thingies. They don't have a National Stock Number for it. Why did he think it had something to do with cattle? Anyway, he's sending over some cash in lieu of the scooters. He said we could install security lighting. I figured we could order some pay per view but I didn't tell him that. We could probably buy a lock and install it on the door of the Command Center Converted to a Kitchen for when we watch the pay per view.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.2 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.